I am having all sorts of problems with my family. I have been lied to I found out for my whole life (25) years . It has caused a huge emotional termoil in my life. They are wanting to resolve this and I can't do that. I can't forgive them. Of course this places me in a bad situation.I had also recently stopped all my medicine for my ADD and went on a herbal drug.Im open for any suggestions that can help since I feel I'm at the end of my rope here.
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09-15-02, 08:06 PM
juanruiz
Samantha,

Your post here and on the religion board are obviously a cry for help. But you have to be a bit more forthcoming. What were the lies? Are you going off your medication for a reason? You do not give enough information for anyone here to be helpful.

09-15-02, 08:23 PM
samantha
I have always wanted to go off of the medicine because I don't believe in people depending on drugs to alter there mind. I am now taking zan to help with the ADD. My family has lied to me about who I am. I found out I was adopted by my grandparents just recently.All of these years I thought they were my parents. I don't know anything about my mom except her name and she didn't want any kids. Thats is about all I know.

09-15-02, 10:49 PM
Sherasi

quote:Originally posted by samantha:
I have always wanted to go off of the medicine because I don't believe in people depending on drugs to alter there mind. I am now taking zan to help with the ADD. My family has lied to me about who I am. I found out I was adopted by my grandparents just recently.All of these years I thought they were my parents. I don't know anything about my mom except her name and she didn't want any kids. Thats is about all I know.



Samantha, that is a really rough thing to find out, but you have to think of several things. Your grandparents loved you enough to raise another child and present you as their own blood child. You have no idea what the mindset of your birth-mother was at the time she was pregnant with you. Whatever the reasons, the upbringing you had, the love you were given is not diminished by your new information, it is actually intensified... they CHOSE you... they COULD have given you up for adoption by total strangers. To me that is a greater sign of love than simply being 'born' to someone.
I do not mean to diminish the feelings of betrayal you have at all, I simply mean to try to help put things into perspective.
Next of all, you and half the world know that I am a registered nurse. I am also a person who does not believe in taking meds unless they are very necessary. In some situations, the medications provide substances that the body does not provide enough of (for example, insulin for diabetics, for another example thyroid meds for those who have Hypothyroidism). In your situation, I know what you are dealing with because both of my sons have this diagnosis. This can be a very disruptive problem that affects your ability to function well and learn effectively. The meds provide a sort of "buffer" a way for your mind to block some of the input and stimuli that reduces your ability to do what needs to be done. I suggest that you do not try, at this time, to get off the meds. Give yourself time to deal with the present emotional situation. My reasoning for this being that you are now providing alot MORE emotional stimulation on top of the normal over-load you experience without the meds. Pamper yourself now, do not punish yourself more when you are already hurting. Aim too high too fast, it all may fall apart. Need some advice or want to talk, click on my name and e-mail me.

Sherasi

09-16-02, 12:06 AM
doriek
Dear Samantha

So glad you came to EH, too. You're doing beautifully.

This must have been a pretty significant shock to you, Samantha. You are number one, now. You have the right to grieve your losses. And to do it without interference, pressure or obligation to resolve or forgive.

You have the right to feel your feelings and to sort things out in privacy, too, if that's what you need. It may take some time, but your feelings will subside. And your choice to forgive will become clear. Until your feelings ease (speaking from experience) I strongly suggest that you don't make any important decisions right now.

I'll stop here. But we will be here, ready to support you through each stage of your grief, Samantha.

Our thoughts are with you,

dorie

09-16-02, 01:48 PM
samantha
I appreciate all your comments and concerns I am trying to do my best right now. It isn't easy. Thanks

09-16-02, 04:11 PM
Texan-In-Exile
I don't think I can give any better advice than you've already gotten.

You're one of my favorite people here at the Pool - just know that I'm here anytime you need me!

Godspeed! --Mitzi

09-16-02, 04:27 PM
samantha
Thank you so much for the good words. It is nice knowing so many people care! you are also among my favorite people here to!

[This message was edited by samantha on 09-16-02 at 04:50 PM.]

09-16-02, 04:40 PM
Gin
I'm sorry about all you are going through. I can't offer any words of help but I can offer my prayers. Please take care.
Hugs,
Gin

09-16-02, 06:12 PM
Julieta Martinez
You're in my thoughts and prayers Samantha. I can't even imagine what you must be going through, but please know that we're all here for you!

Much love!!

smile smile smile

09-16-02, 08:03 PM
samantha
Thanks for the kind words I do appreciate that of you. Seems people are much better understanding on here than my own family....

09-16-02, 09:03 PM
gatman
It took me a year to get past the wrongs and forgive when I figured out how my parents had screwed up my life. No bad intent or lack of love. Just lack of knowledge in a simpler time. I figured it all out at 49. My dad was gone so it all fell on my mom with no purpose in discussing it and causing guilt. The hurt was hers and mine but I carried the weight. All I had to do was drop it but it was a struggle to let go. Your discoveries are much more troubling so it is likely to take a long time. Even the first step can be near impossible. I hope they reach out to you far enough that you can see their hearts.

09-16-02, 09:49 PM
displacedNYer
I just wanted to say that God doesn't make mistakes. I absolutely know this isn't going to help you right now, because this isn't what you want, but He doesn't.

Each soul chooses the life they will live before they are born into it. Your soul chose the best possible parents for you - parents who wanted you and loved you, and who still do. Obviously they care about you very much, or they wouldn't have tried to protect you.

Please don't separate yourself from them now. Your parents - the people who raised you, and love you, are much more your parents than the person who gave birth to you - are who you need now. While the choice they made about telling you about your birth mother may not be what you may have wanted, they did it with your best interests at heart. They were not trying to decieve you. They didn't want you to feel the rejection you are obviously feeling right now.

I would really recommend that you spend some time with your parents and see if they will tell you the whole story - IF you want to know. It may be better if you just accept that your soul knew what was best for you, and just enjoy the love you've been given.

As for the ADD - I haven't heard of that particular herbal treatment, so I can't say anything about it. I have heard of people with ADD being successfully treated with Raiki, so you may want to read up on that.

09-17-02, 12:34 AM
samantha
thanks for the advice, it may be selfish but, I can't get past my grief I guess I should say on this to think of their feelings. It's not the fact that i was adopted but, the lies. They should have told me. I lived for 25 years with someone I thought was my brother and it was my dad all along. He had my parents adopt me when my mom left when I was born. So they are my blood family just all screwed up. I don't know what to think anymore. I did ask why he had them adopt me and he told me he was afraid down the road my mom would come back and try to take me away.Im upset with all of them but, I don't think I ever want anything to do with my "dad". I feel he is the most of course to blame out of all of them.

09-17-02, 07:14 AM
Wildflower63
I can completely understand why you would feel deceived and betrayed by your family. Give it some time to sink in and absorb the shock of what you found out. Your family probably felt it was in your best interest not to know as a child.

Do you feel that you were provided with a decent home? Where is your mother? How could she dump the responsibility of her own child on grandparents without bothering to be part of your life. Your grandparents and father were there, she wasn't.

They come from a different generation. You have to understand that their views on the topic differ from today's. You said they want to work things out. Give them a chance.

09-17-02, 09:15 AM
doriek

quote:Originally posted by samantha:
thanks for the advice, it may be selfish but, I can't get past my grief I guess I should say on this to think of their feelings. It's not the fact that i was adopted but, the lies.



Good for you, Samantha!

Our grief is what helps us recover from lies. And recovery is a selfish process.

09-17-02, 09:29 AM
displacedNYer
dorie is right. You do need to be selfish. But please don't pull away from your parents.

I really think you need a competant therapist. If anything, they can help you sort this all out.

09-17-02, 09:25 PM
hassia
i find it a little disheartening that you think that this information means that the person you grew up to be is not the person you are. certainly it's a shock, but loving parents (ok, so they were in biologically your grandparent) molded you into the beautiful person you are. this woman only gave birth to you, the people who raise you are your parents. circumstances cannot be changed. i am certain that there was a very good reason why your mother gave you up. she very likely was not in a position to raise you as she should and cared enough about your well being to find a person who was in the position to do it. that is really a loving thing to do, maybe it's hard to see when you are the one who needs to look at it. imagine you could have lived in poverity or maybe she was ill. both your biological parents and your grandparents love you. nothing is your fault. it will take time to get over your shock, but when you do you will be thankful that your grandparents wanted to have this intimate relationship with you.

09-18-02, 01:49 AM
babthrower
Samantha, put yourself in the place of adoptive parents. They want you to feel just like the other kids. They want you to feel normal. They don't really think you'll understand when you're very young. They don't want you to be troubled at such an early age by thoughts such as 'I guess my real mommy and daddy didn't want me. I wonder why?'

They could have put you with a government agency, and you would have been fostered out to different families until someone decided to adopt you. Maybe no one would have adopted you. Most people who foster children do it for the money, not for the love of the children.

Your grandparents loved you enough to undertake the problems of an infant at a time of life when most people want to live their own lives for a change, after raising their own families.

Now you second-guess their judgement call on whether, and when, to tell you the truth. Is that fair?

09-20-02, 12:01 AM
samantha
babthrower..Im not young anymore. I am 25. I would think they would want to tell someone when they are old enough to understand and not wait until they are grown.It's pretty bad when the whole family new it but me. Also my dad could have told me this.

I do believe it is fair yes. I do second guess all of them for the way they have done.

09-20-02, 03:28 PM
babthrower
Family Problems
I predict that life will teach you a little about generosity of spirit. I hope it will happen before it is too late, and those who raised you are gone.

09-20-02, 06:57 PM
samantha
I don't at all mean to sound so ungracious about this. There is just alot of things to look at and consider. I love my parents. I don't care for my dad. I don't care for what he stands for and the lies he has told. I need sometime away from all of them for now. I too hope that these feelings I have go away. sam

09-21-02, 11:14 AM
LVLF
[QUOTE]Originally posted by Samantha:
Thank you so much for the good words. It is nice knowing so many people care! you are also among my favorite people here to!

Samantha, you have gotten some of the best advice possible from your friends here at AP, some very caring, thoughtful words. I cannot imagine how I would feel, and I completely understand your anger, confusion, and uncertainty.
I think that the longer an untruth, or lie, or secret- whatever you call it- goes on, the harder it is to correct. The time is never right, either things are going so well that people are afraid to 'rock the boat', or things are going badly and no one wants to add to the stress.
Remember, though, that your parents, the people that you have known your entire life, were truly the people who were there for you, and will always be there for you, to answer your questions, accept your anger and mistrust, to let you discover your past, and be waiting with open arms upon your return.
Don't let this consume you. You are entitled to feel angry, hurt, sickened, and all, to throw fits of rage if that's what you need, but don't let this eat away at you.
My heart goes out to you.
lvlf

09-21-02, 12:27 PM
samantha
I know I have and I appreciate this advice and it won't be taken lightly. I think you are all wonderful people and no matter what happens in my life with my family I feel you are all great friends on here, everyone of you. I know what has happend in my life could take years to resolve if it ever does completly. There were more things involved I didn't feel I could make public.This is the hardest thing I have ever went through and hopefully I will find my way back with my family and friends help someday. Thank you sam

09-21-02, 02:19 PM
LVLF
I'm glad, Samantha, that we could be of help, and I figured there was more going on than you were able to tell, which is so completely understandable. Just know that when you really need to vent, this is the place. We do care, and even better than that- it's like going to see a shrink. You can say whatever you want and we don't blame or judge. We just give advice when you want it, and listen when you don't.
You'll be Okay, your posts show that you are a strong person. It all takes time.
lvlf

09-22-02, 03:15 PM
clarebear
Your family loves you. I know its hard to see that right now. You feel betrayed, hurt and confused. You need some time to process all of this. Just remember:



Some children grow in our stomachs.... others grow in our hearts. smile

09-23-02, 01:03 PM
cattywampus
Sam - are you old enough to understand now? I'll bet you don't understand at all about this situation! You may never understand it. There are things in life we never really understand - accept that, and move on.

Lose the flowers and get back on your medication. If it doesn't work, harrass the doctor until s/he gives you something that does. And good luck to you.

Catty (who believes that herbs are just that: herbs) roll eyes smile razz

09-25-02, 11:19 PM
Lucy
Dear Samantha:
I know how this "new information about yourself" can make you feel like your whole world is shaking, like an emotional earthquake. All I can say is, maybe you don´t come from where you thought you did, but you still are who you KNOW you are.
So your personal history was not complete, but that does not change the person you are now.
I don´t mean to tell you that what you learned is not important, but the most important thing is the result of your life experience: You
Good luck dealing with these new events
Lucy

10-05-02, 03:05 PM
samantha
Hi all since you were all so great to answer I thought I would update you.I am starting to feel better I'm not as angry as I was. I think last week I reached the lowest point I had ever been in my life and was about to give up. Thanks to friends and all I am doing better. I don't have anything to do with my dad at this point but, maybe I never will. I had never been depressed before and never knew how bad it effects everything you do. So many thanks to all of you for your support in this difficult time. I realize the problems are not over by any means but, now do see a way out. Sam

10-05-02, 11:23 PM
nursey63
The others are right you are you from the parents who raised you. You got your genes from your biological parents. They are the ones that made your eyes blue or green or what ever. Your parents who raised you are the ones who taught you how to respect others how to be kind to be the person you are. I know it is a shock and it would of probably been better to find this out when you were younger but what would have you done differently if you new when you were 12? or 18? Your grandparents probably thought about telling you but keep saying now is not the right time and before you know it your a adult. It will take time to get use to this idea but they love you if they didn't why would they have raised you. You could be with some one who is not even related to you. Talk with them, tell them how you feel.
Regarding your medication: Sherasi is absolutely right. Now is not the time to stop medications. You need to be able to focus and deal with what is going on in your life. I personally don't know any thing about the herbal medicine you are taking. But I do no that herbs can effect the body and too much can harm you. I would at least check your doctor regarding how safe this is or if you have not done any research do it and find all their is know. Some times people need medication to help them medically so you may need it. I take insulin because I am a diabetic. I have to do this if I want to stay alive. You need your drug now to help your self be at your best to get through this hard time in your life. Just like if something major was going on in my life right now it would not be a good time for me to switch to a different kind of insulin to see how I do. I would wait until I was not in such a crisis. Their are a lot of people including adults out their with ADD. If the medication helps them I think they should take it. But if we are talking about some children who are a little wild and need a little more guidance that is another story and a different situation and the only reason I mention that because I know someone will make a comment about over abuse of ADD medication on children.

Please take care and don't do anything that you might regret some day. Take care and good luck! Hang in their is will get better! smile smile

10-06-02, 03:18 PM
samantha
Thanks for your post nursey. I have been drug free for about a month now. I had tried one herb that didnt work and now am looking into several others that hopefully will help. I will check this out carefully before ever using them. Hopefully I will find something that will help without having to resort to the prescription drugs again.

10-07-02, 05:15 PM
nursey63
Let me know how it goes. I just remembered that when I was going to a chriopractor he beleived that if you neck was alined your whole body was able to function to it fulless. Because if nerves were being pressed then the nerons could not do there thing by transmitting to that organ. At first being a nurse I really thought he was a quack. But the more I read and talked with him it made since. He said when he treated children if they were acting up typically their necks were not in align. He had brochures that talk about treating ADD with chriopractic manipulation. I don't know but it might be a thought. I am glad you are doing well being off it for a month. Take care.

10-07-02, 09:41 PM
samantha
Nursey if you are trying to tell me I don't have my head on straight come on out and say it! wink big grin

10-08-02, 12:06 PM
nursey63
Actually Sam that is what the Chriopractor would say to most people. He had has lay on our backs on the table and if our neck was out of wack one of our legs would be longer than the other. I don't know if I believe his rational for ADD but he helped my headaches so much. Our chriopractor does some kind of thing with the neck, I forgot what it is called. But most don't specialize in this. In this area you have to watch who you go to. I know a lot of people who go and like it. But I have never met any one with ADD that did it and it got better. But it doesn't mean it can't happen!
You know he did make my head straight but he left my brain crooked!
I am glad you are doing well off the medication. Let me know how the herbal drug goes. I have some friends that might be interested in this. I will give the information that was posted.
I hope things are going better with your family! Remember that things change in live so quickly that if we don't talk to one another now that tommorrow they could be gone. You never know what is going to happen in our world today and accidents happen to everyone. So in other words is what I'm getting at talk to them. OK. Take care, try walking with your head straight (HA HA) Nursey
wink
Sam I had forgotten you are a nurse too. It is that crooked brain thing. So you know the deal with drugs and their effects sorry I preached to you. Don't take offense please!

10-08-02, 03:10 PM
samantha
Of course I take no offense from you Nursey. I am off the drugs but yet to find a herbal one that works. As it stands right now for me I cannot work without something since my focus time is to short...I'd hate to go to work and say geeze did I give that guy his shot or what? roll eyes So at this point I am still looking for something and if I do find one that works I will let you know. My family is also important to me so I don't know what will happen with this. Thanks for your concern. Sam

This message has been edited. Last edited by: DorianGreyed,