Hi - this post is for me, because I can't help him lose weight; he has to want to. 15 yrs. of marriage, much stress, lack of success, etc. have all lead to his depression and now obesity. I just want to scream at him sometimes as he adds a 3 inch slice of cheese to his sausage biscuit. Our kids are still young and divorce isn't a good option, plus I love him and he's not abusive, except to himself. Why can't I separate myself from this instead of constant worry for his health. I also feel anger about it, not to mention total lack of attraction now.

You're right, he does HAVE TO WANT TO....I do know from hearing others talk about it that being angry or ragging on him will not help, it may just make him feel more depressed and make him want to eat all the more....My advice is to tell him how much you love him, how much he means to you and the kids and that if you lost him (which is a very real possibility if his weight is at a dangerous high) Tell him you want him to be around a long time....Also it might be even better to just decide that the entire family needs to be healthy, stop buying junk food.buy and prepare healthy foods, even people who don't have weight issues should eat well...If he is not singled out it can be easier. You can also take walks together or take up golf or some other activity that will get him moving. Hope some of this helps.

He is the home-dad, and he does a lot for the kids and he does the grocery shopping. I am the full-time working mom and no time to cook; barely time to exercise myself. So he does buy a lot of processed foods and the meals he does occasionally cook are usually higher in fats and starches, but it's a meal and I appreciate it. I just want to be able to stop my constant inner worry about him, not to mention how hard it is to watch him overeat. Of course I hope he gets healthier, but I can't wait forever for that and worry myself to death!

That is a great idea Kitty, don't single him out. Go through the whole house top to bottom, ditch every scrap of junk food in it including all soft drinks, etc.

I make one suggestion, do all grocery shopping with him. My husband is also a stay-at-home dad. He does cooking the way I suggested below. If he ever would like to speak to him, his name on this site is "Sagus". You can get Sagus' email off of his profile and then email him if you wish to. Your husband might like the perspective of another stay-at-home dad who also does much of the cooking, etc.

Buy fruit.. make it in ready to eat bite sized pieces, cheese in bite sized pieces, etc. Get baked pretzels, and put them into tiny snack bag portions, keep iced tea (unsweetened and then sweetened to your taste), skim milk and water by the serving in indivudual portions (those 16 ounce bottles are great to refrigerate) that can be opened and carried around. Baby carrots make great portable snacking material.

DO not allow any eating anywhere in the house by anyone at any time except at the table. No sitting in front of the computer or television and eating.

Buy chicken breast, lean center cut pork loin, lean steak, fish, shrimp, venison, those sorts of lean mean. Portion out about 6-8 ounces a meal for him, 4- 6 ounces for you and the kids. Only make enough for one serving for the meal. Any extra food should be fruit and vegeatables. Nutritionists suggest that beef and pork should (together) not make more than 2-3 meals a week, total.

Salads are great.. and hot baked, sauteed chicken, shrimp, etc is really good on them. Get salad dressing that is light. Get little serving glass serving cups. Put dressing into them and have your family dip their fork into the dressing and THEN get a bite of salad off of their plate. THis reduces how much dressing is being eaten.

Go for family walks, make then 15 to 20 minutes in duration for quite a brisk pace to increase the heart rate.

Pack lunches for all for school and work (if you can afford it). Do not allow any money to go with him to work to reduce vending machine temptation. If he likes his coffee, get a good quality thermos bottle and pre-make the batch the way he likes it.

If you have any other questions or concerns, you are welcome to ask.

This is all really fine advice. However, I did happen to post this in Emotional Health, and I did happen to say this post is for ME. And I did mention I know my husband has to want to make changes - so you can assume right now, he doesn't and I am trying to see if anyone out there has anything to contribute that might help me with my feelings of worry and hopelessness without just telling me the great healthy things I might do to FIX him. I can't fix him. He is a grown man and knows all this stuff. I did not post in the nutrition and fitness section. thank you very much!!!!! And no, I am not mad; just think we're a bit off track.

I missed the category it was posted in.

I found a website that may not totally directly address what you are asking, but it may help somewhat.

Help

While this response really doesn't address your problem, I suggest that you start getting more life insurance on him. Having it will protect you should he keep up his ways, and just might be the unspoken push he needs to realize that he is killing himself.

Another thing that you should do for your own good is to find an outlet for your anger. Working out, whether at a gym or at home, or even walking several times a week will help your state of mind, and, again, may be that push that he needs.

Good luck, and please keep in touch with us.

quote:

Originally posted by Julia0802:
Hi - this post is for me, because I can't help him lose weight; he has to want to. 15 yrs. of marriage, much stress, lack of success, etc. have all lead to his depression and now obesity. I just want to scream at him sometimes as he adds a 3 inch slice of cheese to his sausage biscuit. Our kids are still young and divorce isn't a good option, plus I love him and he's not abusive, except to himself. Why can't I separate myself from this instead of constant worry for his health. I also feel anger about it, not to mention total lack of attraction now.

You care, if you didn't care the correct response would be indifference to his growing problem.

Considering that you married (I assume) for love, then that love is still there so you care what happens.

What you are seeking is to “not care” to be indifferent to his growing problem – that means you need to fall out of love with him and who we love and fall out of love with is usually something we can not control.

Since you work and he stays at home and you mention that there is depression involved plus your growing anger there are enough emotional issues her to warrant marriage counseling. Yes it will start off as two people going as one, but the therapist will also want to counsel individually since we are dealing with two people each with their own “issues”.

Most likely he hates himself a little more each day becoming a little more self destructive as time moves on. It is a vicious cycle which needs (most likely) professional help. This means it is beyond your ability to control or “fix”.

The interesting thing about being confronted with an unfixable problem is that we tend to get angry, frustrated and a lot of other things which only worsen the problem(s) attending any given situation.

If marriage counseling is not something he wants to do you can still go alone and be handed the tools you need to cope with this issue – at the very least it will give you somebody to talk to who being impartial to your marriage will allow you to say things you won’t say with people you know or in a public forum such as this. The Therapist will also help you to constructively consider the marriage, where it is where it is going and help you to decide where to take it.

Thanks all - for the great suggestions. It IS up to me to point some type of direction for us. I think he has some motivation and needs encouragement badly. I will take to heart what you have said; all of you.