Years ago a good friend, an elementary school teacher, confessed to me that there was a student in her class she did not like. She did not wish him bad, but she just wished he'd go away.

I said, "Well if he's a brat, I don't blame you." Then she explained that he was not 'bad', he was disabled! He could not learn much, yet there was no slot for him at the time in Special Ed. She said he needed her care, and she was disgusted by some of his bodily functions -- for example she had to clean infected mucus from his mouth, nose, hands and face quite often.

I got a rush of guilt when she said that, because I, too, feel repelled sometimes by disabled people, and I can't help it.

I was on a bus one time and a little girl, quite cute, had to sit beside me because it was the only seat left. Her mother took the only other seat, a few benches away. This little girl clearly had Downs', and she wanted to chat, but I couldn't make out what she was saying. Then I noticed that her hands and forearms had many small open sores. Then I saw that she was playing with a piece of plasticine. She began rolling it over her open sores! I got up and asked her mother to change seats. The mother did not seem overly pleased, but complied.

So I regret that I am lacking in compassion, but I can't seem to help it.

(I was okay with gross stuff with my own children. But I can't extend that to other children, it seems.)

I wonder how many other people feel as I do.

The teacher should not be put in a position to perform nursing duties, and she should not feel guilty.
You seem to have had no real objection to the little girl being beside you until you realized that she was a health hazard... her mother should be ashamed, but protecting yourself from an unknown but possibly contagious condition is no cause for guilt... if an adult with no apparent disability sat beside you picking at open sores, would you have any remorse about distancing yourself?

And as for guilt, I can go you one worse... my first marriage brought me two stepchildren... the older one, I had great difficulty making a connection with, I thought he was a bit slow and had very little patience with what I saw as his lack of normal development... then one day, in a blinding moment of clarity in which I hated myself more than I'd have thought possible, I realized that he was not slow... he was average, just where he should have been and I was too much an intellectual snob to recognize it.

Wow! I can really relate to that! I tutor high school and community college students and I had a special request to tutor a very nice Special Ed. teen with Klinefelter’s syndrome. I had to quit, much as I liked the kid and wanted to help him. I was trying to get him to understand ratio and proportion, and he could not tell me which of two numbers was bigger! I just had not the patience, and even no clue as to how to proceed. I felt very guilty to give up, but I would have felt even more guilty to take his widowed mother's money when I couldn't help. I'm just afraid that the next tutor she gets for him will be even worse.

Why bother with guilt? Just get off one's haughtiness kick or snobby kick, change the offensive behavior one is displaying, revel in others' appreciative smiles and words, and know what it is to be a mere humble person: loved (in return). Practice makes perfect.

I wonder if intellectual snobbery is better, (less evil), or worse than sanctimonious snobbery?? I guess when one is convinced that God approves of one's actions, guilt is unnecessary. Onward Christian soldiers!

It seems natural to me that a teacher who can't meet their personal expectations would have negative feelings towards a child that was causing them difficulty. Furthermore I think it is natural to experience a negative feeling to physical and mental deformities. For me it is a feeling of awkwardness where I struggle to "do the right thing." I mean not staring while not avoiding looking at someone, saying hello but not having pity in the action, being friendly while not being abnormally friendly due to the disability. I've experienced how just utterly rude and inconsiderate people can be to those with disabilities by pushing my father around in a wheelchair. I've also seen some great acts of kindness.

Judging from that experience, I can tell that there is a significant percentage of people who still behave quick awkwardly towards people with disabilities.

I think that sometimes guilt trips are laid onto us by ourselves and our own feelings of inadequacy or by people other than the offended. It seems like there are always people willing to point out to someone that they have been offended when the offended is completely unaware of it, and thus keep hatred and animosity stirred up. Even worse if no offense was intended in the first place.

DD

Aw, man... wheelchairs... funny how the sight of such a useful object can turn otherwise gracious people into social klutzes. I spent two semesters at college taking notes for a guy in a wheelchair and was amazed to fully realize the extent to which people assume that if a person is in a wheelchair that any person accompanying him or her is their "keeper".
When my classmate and I would cross campus together, people would ask questions of me that {a} should not be asked of any stranger and {b} if they had to be asked, should have been directed to him, not me.... maybe a lot of folks missed basic anatomy and are under the impression that the ability to think is centered in the legs rather than in the head....I also learned from hanging out with a blind neighbor that a lot of folks seem to be under the impression that blindness impacts hearing and intellect as well as sight... That little rant out of the way, I am pleased to say I've witnessed more kindness than stupidity.

It's Evolutionary Nature not social graces you are dealing with.

Until very recently in human development "disability" was a liability. Part and parcel of the sex drive (for the purpose of healthy reproduction) was geared to mate with strong/healthy individuals to insure the survival of our genetic material. As animal capable of rational thought we are often driven by those preprogrammed preservation drives. It is our ability to reason which leads to our being able to overcome our "feelings".

Open sores, missing limbs, inability to communicate at X level, all of the things we associate with illness and disease were immediate turn-offs - visible clues to the unhealthy nature of the individual. It is even possible that at one (or more) points in the development of our species we actually killed the lame/diseased or fed them to the predators (Or let them fall behind in the pack to be the first to be picked off) to preserve the healthy members of our herd/tribe/family groups.

Civilization and Society and our reasoning make it possible for us to accept and "tolerate" disabled individuals. Care for and even promoting extended lives is rather a new development. Not too long ago the care of disabled individuals was the job of the family, if your family died (or turned their back which happened a lot more than most folk know) you were S.O.L when it came to help. Even early 20th century "advanced" societies placed little to zero care for the disabled - allowing them to be homeless, poor and in some cases even making it illegal for them to beg for food/money.

We tend to accept things in people we care about more often than we accept things in people we do not care about. This is human nature and is perhaps linked to the preservation of our genetic material more often than not. In the case of Your Child Vs. Another's Child it is clearly because you have a genetic interest in your offspring.

Illness also strikes us at a personal core - if you look at the history of disease and reactions to disease you will note that we human tend to drive off or run away from diseased/sick individuals as self preservation. Until the advent of medical science and learning what caused diseases we pretty much believed that all diseases were contagious and that separation or distance kept us safe.

Between Emotion and Logic there is no barrier. Even the most scientific learned mind can easily mistake emotion for logic.

Many years ago I had the privilege of meeting Mr and Mrs McCurdy, of Thunder Bay, Ontario, who had been a pioneering family in that area (west shore of Lake Superior) before the turn of the second-to-last century.

Well into their nineties, they were hale and hearty, alert, charming and gracious.

They told me that when they first came into that area, and met the native North Americans who still lived by hunting and fishing, there were no disabled or physically imperfect natives. Teeth, eyes, limbs, all perfect. (Some soft tissue damage, of course, a few scars.)

The McCurdy's attributed this to the terribly difficult lives they lived. It's quite normal for the temperature to drop to 45 below zero at night every night for weeks in the wintertime.

Maybe if we became disabled ourselves, our feelings would be completely different toward the disabled. It could happen to any of us at any given moment.

quote:

Originally posted by frankvan:
I wonder if intellectual snobbery is better, (less evil), or worse than sanctimonious snobbery?? I guess when one is convinced that God approves of one's actions, guilt is unnecessary. Onward Christian soldiers!

Just in case you were referring to me, I owe too much money to be any kind of a snob. Anyway, I have to follow my own advice about changing poor behavior, and I am rarely a success at this.

quote:

Originally posted by honilov:
Maybe if we became disabled ourselves, our feelings would be completely different toward the disabled. It could happen to any of us at any given moment.

Although that would be rational and logical, the truth is that disability in self usually doesn't translate to disability in others.

Just like being a minority does not make most individuals accept and tolerate all minorities.