I was sexually abused at the age of 7 or 8 by a friend of the family. It has almost been -- years and I have not told anyone but my boyfriend. In the past, I have not felt depressed about the assault or even thought about it much. I realize that it did happen but that is all I ever think. I think this is strange compared to others who feel depressed and victimized. Why am I different? At times I think I am the one who seduced him because I made the first move.

I have cheated on my boyfriend once. I do not know why, and that is the one question I can never answer that he asks. Whenever we talk about emotional problems I can never seem to say anything. He wants me to open up or say everything on my mind but I have tried and I can't do it. The more he pressures me the more I feel that I need to close up. Sometimes my mind goes blank and I don't know what to say. Why does this happen?

During my childhood I have been shy and timid, but I have always thought that to be because of my parents. They are Asian, and never show much affection to each other nor myself. They focus on negative things.

Are the problems that I am having a result of the abuse when I was a child? In the past, I have never connected these things but as I read more about sexual abuse and the post symptoms they cause, it is beginning to make sense.

I don't think there has to have necessarily been a single trigger for how you're feeling now. Some people just develop into more closed and shy people. Maybe you don't feel bad about your abuse because you found it easier to put it behind you due to your ability to not let things affect you. Have you found it easy to get over other things that have happened to you? I keep a lot inside myself and, as a result, I don't get wrapped up in my emotions and so it becomes a lot easier to move past things. First of all, don't pressure yourself to feel open. If you want it, you should work on letting it come naturally. Maybe start just by thinking about how you feel about your problems when you first notice them.

"At times I think I am the one who seduced him because I made the first move."

Unless you, at 7 or 8, had the emotional maturity and cunning of a 30 year-old, you just think you made the first move. That's because you were seduced. One of the synomyns of "seduced" is "lured." Think about it - is it really the fish's fault that he got caught? A more intelligent creature put exactly the right food on a hook to entice the fish to bite. Which was seduced/lured, the fish or the fisherman? Which did the seducing/luring, the fish or the fisherman?

Essentially, Jusork is right; some people simply hold more in than others. Having parents that you describe means that it is natural that you would want to hold things in more. If you increase your circle of friends, you will see that not everyone concentrates on the negatives. That could lead you to trust more and to open up more.

If you really feel that you are suffering from post molestation trauma, speak to your doctor about it. If you are old enough, there are groups you can seek out that will help you understand your feelings and get past the negative remnants of your experience.

There is never one single reason to explain why people are how they are.. to answer your questions of why you behave as you do at times when pushed by your boyfriend. Behavior just isn't so cut and dried...Furthermore, children who are sexually abused often end up thinking that they started it or caused it. As rational adults however, it might be easier to realize with help and support that as the child in that situation, you WERE indeed victimized, whether the feeling reflected that or not. The adult in that situation was the responsible party. Not the 7 yr old child. You must remember that all humans are sexual beings. No matter what behavior a child might exhibit, a healthy adult would handle it appropriately. The adult who ended up abusing you clearly was not healthy, but truly disturbed. I urge you to get some help with a counselor or therapist who is voiced in adult survivors of sexual abuse to help you sort through the memories and resulting emotions.

First and last, You did not seduce ANYONE!
It is ALWAYS the obligation of the older person in such an equation to keep behavior appropriate.
It is very common for little girls to act flirtacious with the men in her life, it's a natural stage of emotional development, and the correct reaction is "Awwww, aren't you adorable! but I'm already married (a grown up, your uncle, whatever explains that the adult is flattered but not available)" not "Okay, let's go". You are not at fault! Not in any way, shape or form.

Please contact your local rape crisis center for a referral to a counselor... It may well be that this is kind of a "non-event" to you and that it's only bothering you now because everywhere you turn, someone is telling you it should bother you... but since it IS bothering you, you should seek out some help in dealing with it.

Thanks for all your input..

I haven't felt any post molestation trauma. I am just trying to find out who I am and trying to understand myself better.

Not being able to express myself to him is really frustrating for me (and for him also). He has high expectations and he wants to have a closer and better relationship everyday. I don't blame him.. that's a good way to go. But I never feel like I am ready to do that. I just want to gradually ease into it.. but it's not working. Now whenever we talk I always feel uncomfortable like I have to fill up the silence with something to talk about.

This event is NOT bothering me. It never has until I told my boyfriend about what has happened and he started to ask me how I felt. I didn't know since I never thought about it before. Then it started to be like, "Hey, shouldn't it be bothering me?"

Right now I'm just trying to find out if some of the things I do are related to what I experienced as a child... and what kind of symptoms people go through as a result of it.

Is anyone having the same problems I am?

I can only point to the sagacious MrsS's last paragraph.

First of all, "It doesn't bother me" may be accurate, but I am willing to bet that isn't the whole picture. Just because you do not recognize all the ramifications, doesn't mean there aren't any.

A reluctance for various sorts of intimacy (social, emotional, sexual, etc) is one possible side effect, but not the only one.

Seeking advice and therapy about the event can help you put the event into true perspective for you as an adult now would be both healthy and beneficial.

I am sorry you had to be the recipient of the attentions of this 'friend' of the family.

As for your part in the event.. social, sexual behavior IS learned, practiced and developed from very early on in human development. It is the same as other skills such as walking & talking, etc. You can't learn to do and have these skills without practicing them.

That is where your environment comes in. A safe, loving supportive environment allows these emotional/social skills to develop WITHOUT being exploited.

That isn't what happened with you. In your case, these is a safety issue, a lack of safety that could and may have longer lasting effects on your emotional/social behavior then you realize.

Please seek some help.

We are here to talk if you need it.

Be well.

Is there a hotline or even some kind of forum out there?

Thanks guys

I didn't read the other replies in order not to be biased.

This is the deal. Give it up that you are a 'victim' and that's why your current relationship isn't exactly working. We all feel like this!!

You are confusing very normal thoughts thinking it has something to do with being sexually exploited. There is nothing going on with you that the rest of us don't have the same, exact, problems with.

It really is ok to be a private person and shut down with topics or questions you aren't ready to discuss. We are all like this, nothing to do with being exploited at all.

Please, stop blaming yourself! You are not describing anything to me that says you are neurotic over past sexual exploitation. There really is nothing I see about you that is anything but normal.

I advise you to give yourself a break! You are not supposed to be comfortable with someone who obviously isn't the right guy for you. You really are entitled to your privacy and discuss as you feel comfortable. You don't exist to please a man. Why do you make a lifestyle of being a liar, what you perceive a man wants, while you lie and cheat on him? It's not the guy, I assure you!

Find the right man for you! Don't lie and cheat. Be honest and tell guys that you are not ready for a commitment, even if they are. Why do you feel that you must comply or lie to men? Nothing good will come of this.

Stop using the excuse of molestation of long ago as a reason to lie to and cheat on men today. You are very normal with emotion about relationship, so leave the past where it belongs, in years of long ago and not part of your future. Your future needs a bit of honesty or you are just a slut cheating on a decent man. As a ethical adult, you don't have any valid excuse for this. If you don't want a committed relationship, say so! Date who you want.

I think that your really are dating decent guys. Stop with lying to them! They just aren't the guy for you, if you don't feel comfortable talking to them about tough subjects or going as far to be horrible enough to hurt a decent guy by cheating because you just can't be honest with yourself or a man.

You aren't crazy! Be a better, more honest person. I do think you are doing the, 'I have been molested!', crazy act on guys, getting their sympathy. You cheat on them. You use them, as needed.

Ethics are your problem, not your past! Sorry if that post sucked, but that's how I see it.

People express their trauma in different ways.

As in the case of abuse, some grow up to be abusers, others turn to self destructive behavior (drug use, alcoholism, sometimes suicide) others turn to acts of charity seemingly rising above the problem, while in fact they may be overcompensating.

As time progresses the issues of abuse usually lead to other issues – Latent issues such as Post Traumatic Stress syndrome it can lay quiet, untouched for decades then suddenly the victim starts having flash backs, nightmares, tremors of fear – anxiety, depression and other symptoms and emotional disorders which seemingly are unconnected to the event(s) its/themselves due to the long delay between cause and effect.

Your inability to not communicate emotional issues may very well be tied to the abuse you received, we here are not qualified to make such assessments of others, for real assessment you need a professional psychologist who will talk with you and help you to figure out how that abuse impacted you and your life. That is a process of time and a lot of talking. In the case of not being able to talk about things, you are most likely burying more emotions, leading to more issues which will make it harder for you to actually “fix” or work on the problems of your past.

I happened to express my childhood abuse in self destructive behavior, I turned to drink and drugs first, then other self destructive behavior, including anorexia, suicide attempts and failed relationships where my self doubt, my buried shame lead to unhealthy, unbalanced relationships. Even today I am least likely to discuss my emotional issues, even am hard pressed to discuss relevant facts in my life which does have an impact on my current, nearly 10 year relationship.

Abuse does have a huge impact on who we are, most of us who are abused will ultimately find ways to hide it – usually from ourselves – if not the event(s) it/themselves, then the emotional impact that said event(s) have had on our lives.

The matter grows more complicated in time, reconciliation between our past and how we treat others is never an easy thing – if we are stunted in our emotional growth we could heap up the emotional issues to where it is most difficult to pin-point the emotions tied to one specific event or set of events.

One of the problems with having been abused is that we carry that stigma in our hearts – that leads to doubt, guilt, assumption of responsibility – these leads us to unhealthy relationships, doubts about sexuality and sexual expression with our partners, it even affects the fabric of relationships – even under the most mundane of “relationship questions” we are never exactly certain what “normal” is.

“Normal” doesn’t actually exist – it is a measurement based on what we think should be or is with others. People, however, all wear masks – we will act/pretend to be one thing based on what we believe society demands of us. Thus we are usually unaware that that smiling, happy person we see is actually crying on the inside and we think that we too must be happy, smiling because we see it in another.

Perhaps you did “deal with it” and “get over it” long time ago and you are suffering from the “normal” (note the quotation marks) doubts and anxieties that everybody goes through. Again we are not qualified to tell you this, or even assume that this is not the case.

Relationships are nothing but work, compromise and settling. There are no Happily Ever Afters – that is a myth a fairy tale – relationships that last do so because both parties work at making it last. If you are hindered by the past in that, then your relationship will most likely fail.

It is easy to place blame at an event or events in our life and then live secure in the notion we can always blame our troubles on that event(s) – what take courage and strength and development is to rise to the challenge and instead of blaming our present failures on the past, to take the initiative to rise above the past and take full responsibility for our lives today.

I would strongly suggest you make an appointment with your medical doctor. Lay before him/her your problem, and he/she will most likely get you referred to or pointed in the right direction to get qualified medical help to help you overcome and rise above the issues of the past.

The longer you delay in actually dealing with the issues, the more issues you will have to deal with.

Knowing we have a problem is half the job, working on solutions to that problem is the other half.

I don't see it this way, David. I could claim to be an abused child with today's discipline. I could clam 'screwed up' over the fact that my husband was abusive. I don't make any excuses for my own horrible behavior and shouldn't use the past as an excuse for the present.

I am no minimizing the pain any individual feels when their personal rights are invaded over a long period of time. Many people that have experienced abuse lose faith in humanity and treat others with the exact same unethical behavior perceived ass 'normal'.

We all know right from wrong. Past abuse does not excuse anyone of ill behavior that hurts another and I don't really care what 'syndrome' you are talking about!

Maybe people we loved and trusted betrayed us. We have to all learn to be good people anyway. It's not too late!

"We all know right from wrong. Past abuse does not excuse anyone of ill behavior that hurts another and I don't really care what 'syndrome' you are talking about! "

I don't see this as making excuses. People need to come to terms with who they are. Reconciling abuse as a child is something that anyone who has had that horrible situation in their past has to do. Brushing it aside can sometimes lead to further problems. It doesn't seem like a good reason to get riled up... we are who we are partly through our experiences and we have to deal with that.

My thought on the original post is that some counseling might help a great deal. If you think it might be playing a role in your life then it might be... and no time like the present to deal with it.

Good luck!

quote:

Originally posted by Wildflower63:
I don't see it this way, David. I could claim to be an abused child with today's discipline. I could clam 'screwed up' over the fact that my husband was abusive. I don't make any excuses for my own horrible behavior and shouldn't use the past as an excuse for the present.

I am no minimizing the pain any individual feels when their personal rights are invaded over a long period of time. Many people that have experienced abuse lose faith in humanity and treat others with the exact same unethical behavior perceived ass 'normal'.

We all know right from wrong. Past abuse does not excuse anyone of ill behavior that hurts another and I don't really care what 'syndrome' you are talking about!

Maybe people we loved and trusted betrayed us. We have to all learn to be good people anyway. It's not too late!

I suppose too much to read above.

From above:

t is easy to place blame at an event or events in our life and then live secure in the notion we can always blame our troubles on that event(s) – what take courage and strength and development is to rise to the challenge and instead of blaming our present failures on the past, to take the initiative to rise above the past and take full responsibility for our lives today.