Okay, wow I always feel stupid doing these types of things, I guess I'll start from the beginning, it'll be a pretty lengthy post though, oh well, here it goes...

My first memory..my brother being thrown down onto a cement floor by my father. I remember the look on his face, the blood on the floor, my mom not being allowed to go help him, and me hiding in the corner. That's how I look at the world. I know it's not a place that's always bad, yet it's not always good. It's a medium. I can tell myself that, but sometimes, I just get so caught up in things that I forget my logic and focus on what is happening at that time, in that place, and forget how to..well .. forget how to think.

Flying over a few years, my brother was always a problem in school, since first grade I remember he always has teachers calling, confrences going on and such...(his name is Sam, he's four years older)...in grade school it just seemed normal. I didn't know other people didn't have all the yelling at home, I didn't know other people didn't go though the things I listened to every night. Around the time my brother was in third or fourth grade, he started taking medication for bipolar disorder. People had to go in and force him to take them every day at school at lunch, had to force them down him at night, in the mornings, he never agreed to anything. In my grade school, I had a few good friends, people I did things with every weekend like a kid should, I remember always making up excuses and pretending to be like their families. That's what my parents told me to do, because we were suppost to be like them, we had to be the same, no different.

Skipping a few years, this is the summer before my sixth grade. I was a happy girl besides the yelling everynight, besides people throwing things everywhere if they were upset, besides the crashing glass at midnight in the hallways when my brother came home. I was in activities, but I dropped them that summer, nothing mattered anymore.

That night, that one night, I can picture everything like yesterday. We had just gotten off from something in town, my mom and I were on our way home and my brother called. My mom made me answer the phone because she didn't want to talk to him, she pulled over, I remember she was cursing at him for about ten minutes, nothing was getting accomplished. We sat there, he called back, this went on a few times, we finally went home.. he was out in the driveway with a baseball bat, putting dents in my father's car and smashing rocks at the house. I was scared, but it seemed like just another day. I walked in the house and noticed burnging smells and it turns out my brother had been lighting glass vases with gasoline in them on fire. Things went on for a few hours, I just went to my room and listened like I always did. My dad got home sometime in there and things got worse. Before I knew it, it was night time, and my brother and dad were outside. They were in the garage, holes in the walls, broken plastic and glass all over the floor, I was yelled at to go back inside, so I did..I went inside, into my room, I watched as they wrestled, my dad trying to kill Sam with a piece of glass and my brother trying to do the same to my father (dad is also bipolar but does not take meds and refuses to) .. I called my sister, she lived in town at the time, she came over and my brother went up to her, I ran outside scared for her ..shes in her thirties and in a wheel chair from a car accident.. anyway, my brother went up to her in a rage, then stopped and hugged her, and they both started crying, then he walked up to me and hugged me and I started crying, I love my brother so much, no matter what, I love him to death. So my sister told me to go back inside, my dad came and attacked my brother again, and they were back at it...I went into a bathroom and took a razor ( i bet you can see where this is leading to)..and I hid in my closet, with a razor to protect myself. I was a kid, I thought I could cut them if they came after me, but something loud happened outside, and I slid with the razor and it braized across my skin, and for a second, I forgot everything, and just looked at the blood. It seemed to take all of my thoughts out of my head, and focus them on the physical pain instead. I made another slice, then another...I didn't know what I was getting into, I never thought I'd do it again.

Somehow, probably the neighbors, the police showed up and took my brother away. He was sent to a town a couple hours away and put in a facility. There, they stabalized his medications to the correct doses.. I only got to visit him once, I never want to end up in a place like that one, he looked so sad, part of his eyebrow was cut off from the fight with my dad, he couldn't look any of us in the eye...so plain and simple, that summer was hell.

From then on, I used cutting as a way to get my mind off of things, I'm skipping alot of things that have happened after this, it's been over four years since, things have had their ups and downs in the family, I've had my ups and downs, but I'm really confused as to how I should refer to myself. People always ask me if I'm PMSing or having a bad day, but it's more like a bad series of well years.

I have been cutting myself for the past four years, I've been trying to stop, I've made it a few weeks without it happening, but always get pulled back down. I've done other forms of self mutilation like salt and ice, I've burned.. even before that summer my brother got taken away, I can remember being upset and hitting my head against windows or walls or twisting my toes until it hurt so much I couldn't stand it. I've done some drugs, but I'm now 12 months clean from all that. I've moved a few summers ago, then moved back because of rash decisions made by my family, hah imagine that, a rash decison made in MY family,,neeever{!} ..but I'm back here now.

I've lost friends though suicides, overdoses, murder, accidents...it seems like people can't stay around if they mean something to me, I'm scared that every time I get close to someone, they will be taken away from me.

I've attempted suicide a few times myself. I had overdosed once, I wasn't going to wake up on my own I don't think, but my friends came over to pick me up, and they woke me and made me vomit, so here I am. I've been unconcious from drowing twice, yet only to be woken up by those same friends.. sometimes I curse them for not letting me die, it's not a huge thing, I'm one person, the world is over populated anyway, nobody really needs me here. I'm just one less person to worry about, one less to be in the way.

Sometimes, I think that I...well sometimes I don't know that I think I guess. I confuse myself so much. I can't sleep at night, I've taken some meds to try and sleep better and I just stay up until three or four in the morning laying in bed thinking and making my problems get pulled and twisted in my head and thinking too much. I can't be motivated to do anything, I am in many music groups, yet, I have played at home once this year on my own...I love writing, yet I can never do anything required for school in that respect. I love most of my subjects, yet I never can bring myself to do my homework, I get distracted too easily, my mind wanders to the yelling in the hallway and the shouts and screams. Even if they aren't going on, I hear them echoing inside my head.

I know people have gone though alot more than I have, I know people who are as of right now, but I don't know, I confuse myself sometimes..actually, I'm confused most of the time.

Last year, I was talking to one of my friends, and she went and told my counsellor about some things and I got called in there, I pulled my sleeves down and covered my cuts, pretended like everything was peachy, because that's what I'm suppost to do. My parents don't want anyone knowing that things are going on. My parents don't know about my cutting, or my attempts at sucide, even that I'm supet about the situation. I'm not the kind of person to bring those things to their attention. I've seen how they talk my brother down and how they don't like him for what he has no control over, it's his brain, he's a great guy, but he can't control himself sometimes. But no, nobody can know about our family.

This year, I made a really rash decision, and I went into my counsellor, I asked what he had to tell about and that was abuse and suicide, so of course when I talked to him, I left quite a few things out, but I couldn't say anything that owuld require him to talk to my parents. I've been called back into the office, but I go and say everything is fine and I was overreacting to things, that I've quit cutting, that everything is perfect..

It's not possible for me to talk to people in person about this, it just can't happen, I can talk to friends, but only on certain levels as they do not understand most of it. I guess, I don't really know what I'm asking in this, just kinda needed to relsease my story, let myself rant a little bit. Meh, I don't really even know why I'm here, I just... it's tiring asking for help when I know that I can only help myself by getting it in real life, but since it's not an option, I guess I always just hope to find something on some site that can help..but that's what life is full of, wishing..

Wow.. you really pack a loaded punch for a beginning post!!

It sounds like you have some serious issues going on here. You say you went to a counselor.. was it a High School Counselor? Why do you feel you can't talk to him/her?

Trying to stop the cutting, drugs and all that abuse to yourself is a good idea. But many times you need to deal with the reasons you do it in the first place before really being able to be successful.

These sites may be able to help you.

http://teenadvice.about.com/cs/cuttingbranding/

http://www.focusas.com/Montana.html

Oh man, Bri - there's so much I want to say... Where do I begin?

My parents were divorced and my maternal grandmother lived with us. She and my mother had a stormy relationship, shall we say.
They both had different ways of dealing with things, both dysfunctional. Too bad we didn't have that word back then!
Neither did we have intervention. No one interfered with the way another person raised their children.
I also was told to pretend that nothing was wrong, that people would think we were crazy. I was also told that I had to be nice to people or they wouldn't like me. What a crock!
I did my best to correlate three separate lives: The one I lived at home, the one I lived at school and with my friends (they never knew how miserable things were), and the one I wanted to have. It didn't work.
This was in the '60's. I didn't attempt suicide, but rarely a day passed that I didn't think about it.
So I fought depression for most of my life.

Skip ahead to 1991. My brother committed suicide. (And he was the sane one!) There was a window of opportunity to change the way I'd looked at things. I started going to therapy.
My first therapist was wonderful! In a group she led, I finally admitted all the abuse that went on at home, and everyone was supportive ! Also, she asked me why I thought I hadn't killed myself. I didn't know. Several days later, I realized: I hadn't really want to die, I had just wanted to stop hurting !
Unfortunately, over several years, I changed therapists frequently because of insurance. (Another crock of modern times!)
Off-and-on I took anti-depressants.

Anyway - I'm not where I want to be - yet - but I'm holding my own, I guess.
I'm not sure why, but I rarely think of suicide anymore. I think because I've realized how quickly time really does pass, and I'm probably well past half-way through this life (I'm 52, but please don't expect me to act like it! ), so I might as well try to bear out my time on this planet while I can still look at it.

Anyway, Bri - please, please - talk to someone - a counselor, anyone who can help! And yes, they might well talk to your parents - because your parents need help too!
If you're afraid your parents will abuse you for talking, then please tell that person beforehand, so they may be able to do something to protect you.
Or - whoever you do talk to may be required to hold your conversations in confidence, depending on who it is. If so, this may at least give you a chance to let out your feelings and get advice on how to handle your situation.

And Bri - I care!
And welcome to The Pool - you'll find a lot of caring people here.
Let us know how you're doing.

Thank you guys, both of you alot. I've read one of those sites before, Sherasi..the about.com one. I looked around the other and found some information. One of my friend actually called one of those contact numbers on me a while ago. Thanks for the links alot.
Texan, thanks alot for your reply, but as I stated, I cannot get help, it's simply not an option. I dunno, I guess I figure that once I move out on my own, I'll be able to avoid things and that I won't be surrounded by pain anymore. It's not worth years of increased pain around here from talking to someone. I know all too well how my parents would treat me if I did talk to someone because I've seen what's happened with my brother. They still won't accept him, they know he's messed up, and they are ashamed of him.. I don't want that, I can't have people negative towards me, it breaks me down. I'm what they want as their "perfect little angel".. I'm their "last chance".. I just, I can't let them down and I can't stand to be treated how they treat my brother after his years of getting care outside of the family..I just know what will happen and I can't stand going though any of what that would be.

Thanks for your replies.

Bri - I understand how you feel about telling your parents. I wish I could give you a magical solution.
But you can still come here and talk anytime you want!
Keep us posted.

Hi Bri,

According to your Profile you are 17, almost 18. I will go with that.

You are going through the last stages of puberty - so you are going to be confused, upset, out of sorts, and a whole bunch of other stuff which everyone goes through or went through anyways.

This was going on through the past few years too - so everything that took place during that time will appear to be so much larger - simply because you were going through a rough spot in life.

Right now you are also going through the period what I call the Crazy Late teens. You will be legally an adult in many ways when you turn 18, but you have another few years (to age 21) to be fully a legal adult. This plays some serious head trips on the people who are in that 'delicate' time of their life.

This all means that you will be feeling alot of things normally - no matter the situation at home. Moodiness, Depression, Confusion, upset, anger, self loathing, all of this is normal - Trust me on this, it will pass.

Cutting, suicide, bulimia, drugs, alcohol, all of these and more are symptoms of deeper problems: problems which stem from life. These are not considered normal - these are symptoms of a deeper illness, either an illness of the heart, an illness of the soul, and illness of the mind, an illness of the body - or a mixture of all four.

There are many levels of illness that can be present - I'm sick, others are sick - it's ok to be sick. Everyone gets sick once in a while - This is not a bad thing - it is a part of life - Some of us get better, some of us do not - That is ok too - it is a part of life.

Until you can get professional help I can only suggest a program of recovery, a self awareness program which comes with steps - you do not have to do all of the steps, you don't have to do any of them. But you can read them and see if any of them can be applied in your life until you can get some real person help.

Part of recovery is to acknowledge what is going on. You have done that.

1. Live for the Day. Live for the Hour - This is part of the 12 steps of recovery. The 24 hour day is all you have to live.

Tomorrow may never come, yesterday is done - you can't go back and you can't skip. So when things start getting fuzzy hold on to the moment.

Just For Today Is a poem or a prayer, a self promise. I know it by heart, I have repeated it so many times during life's crises.

The first stanza is very important:

Just for today: I will try to live through this day only,
and not tackle all my problems at once.
I can do something for twelve hours that
would appall me if I felt that I had to
keep it up for a lifetime.

It is a promise and a reminder that we can do anything for a short period of time.

2. Read and try to have a 12 step program in your life. Click here This particular site has the whole book. It covers each step and it leaves a blank for you to fill with what every you feel is an issue:

Your self cutting is the thing you should work on. I would suggest that you apply the program to the cutting part.

This is not a cure all, but in your circumstance it is the only thing I can offer you beyond the offer to click on my name and send me an email to off load to a person who will not judge you nor condemn you nor should you to death.

I can make suggestions, lots of them. They are only suggestions. You do not have to do any of them.

I do not have all the answers, heck I'm pretty screwed up myself - I can give you the lessons of 37 years of life, the support that someone cares, and the promise that you are not alone and that you will not always be where you are today.

I really do hope you take the time to read the 12 steps on that site. Read the whole chapter on each one. Each one comes with real life stories and you will meet in those stories people who have struggled with problems and have found their way through to the other end.

Don't let the subject of Alcohol or Drugs fool you - Drug Addicts and Alcoholics are very much like you - except instead of cutting themselves they turn to a substance.

Be good to yourself, and just remember that when you can't love yourself, We will Love you and God will love you until you can love yourself.

David

click on my user name, that will open a window which will give you the option to email me. If that fails it is my username at yahoo

First I wanted to tell you that you are not alone. I will be 18 in a week and have what you call a "normal" family. I suppose I feel guilty because I, too, have taken that razor to my skin many, many times. Its been almost 2 years since the last time I did it though. I feel guilty because my life is normal. I don't deal with the things you have described and yet somehow I managed to dig myself into a hole that I couldn't get out of. I took medication for my depression and even saw a psychologist but neither of those helped me recover from self injury. It wasn't until I learned to conquer my personal demons that I fully recovered. I would spend hours and hours listening to "you're a fat ugly girl." While some girls and boys hear that from their parents/siblings, I heard it from my demons constantly. When I learned to conquer those demons, I no longer needed the pain that the razor gave me. I no longer needed that outlet to make me feel alive because there were other things in my life that made me feel alive that I could not feel when the demon was wearing me down. Now, painting makes me feel alive. Painting is an outlet I use to relieve stress just like blood would do. Now, I cannot tell you how to conquer your own demon, but I just wanted to let you know it can be done... It takes time and remember that relapse is apart of the recovery process.

Thank you guys alot for your replies, I found those sites very helpful.

I've also thought I had found a way of release through music..(I'm in symphonic, jazz 1, marching, double a, jazz improv combo, and ap music theory).. but those things are losing their zest even, I don't understand how things can make you happy one day then horrible the next.

Bri, I think the best thing to do now is to speak with counselors.

How are things going for you now?

These are my honest thoughts, Bri+#. Your family reminds me of my own! Keep this in mind, you are not a problem, your brother is. I understand that you are disturbed by seeing such things like your brother being blasted, in the basement, until blood gushes.

What I feel you don't understand, as my own daughter doesn't, your brother has big problems that are not yours. He owns them, not you. Parents love equally, a perfect kid or one with big problems. You have suffered the exact same attentions shift, as my daughter has lived with because of a problematic brother.

My daughter is not a problem, but became one. Her brother is such an attention hog, with problems constantly. Keep in mind, parents love equally. You brother's problems have always taken attention, that you deserved for positive things, because he was always doing something seriously wrong.

You learned the exact same lesson my own daughter did, with an older brother, with problems. His problems are not nearly as severe. As a parent, I can tell you, if I had the strength above my son, I would put him through a wall, for things he has done. I spent too much time trying with him, at the cost of attention to my daughter.

I think that I have a clue what is going on, in your family. Your brother probably deserved every single thing he ever got, negative, from you parents. I bet he rightfully earned your parents fury, but that is his problem, not yours. Stay out of it, for your own good

You love you brother and don't necessarily see it that way at all. Neither does my daughter, but I know my son is a huge problem and threw him out. I allowed him only his clothes, not his expensive stereo we bought him. He didn't earn it. My daughter gets is, if she doesn't feel too guilty taking it. I am done with his antics.

I believe you have been deprived and act out negatively, because that is what gets attention, in your family. My daughter did the same thing. Her grades are passing, but she always tests out, every year, at least two grades beyond what she is in.

Her brother was always a problem. It started with lack of performance in school. He is a high school drop out, which is ok, but not combined with other problems. He is a thief, even stealing my bank card. He is a liar. How many times does he have to be caught? He is a druggie. I thought it was only pot experimentation, but he also does dangerous drugs.

I am going through a divorce. I threw my son out, to his father, because I have tried everything imaginable. Yes, I would beat him bloody, in a basement, for his latest antics. He totaled his father's pick up truck, with five teens in the back bed, completely unprotected, with a side impact wreck. An accident, with a new driver, I can accept. What was the accident of five teens in the back bed of that truck, who could have died or been injured to the point of life in a nursing home? I taught my son to drive.

Why is that I insisted that my son work full time and be eligible for health care benefits? He blew school completely, so should work, as an adult. Why did he use my bank card at a gas station repeatedly? Why did he order from a pizza place, after seeing me do it repetitively, number and expiration date. My son is a thief.

When you have a problematic child, it does not mean that you don't love them. I have exploded on my son in the same way you parents have your brother. I love him dearly, but cannot accept his behavior, as you parents are trying to contend with. I can tell you something, he deserved everything he ever got from your parents and you need to stay out of it.

I love my son, as you love your brother, but your parents are the ones who are doing what they feel just and right, even if you see it as abusive. How much neglect have you been through, because of your loved brother? Quit a lot, as I see it. How much hell has he put your parents through, because they love him also? They are horrified and fearful for his future expecting him to be a prison inmate, if he doesn't stop this now. Do you blame them for fury? I don't. It is the job of a parent to correct ill behavior. Your brother is extreme. Do you blame your parents for trying extreme measures to correct him? You shouldn't. You should also distance yourself from him, for your own good.

I am willing to bet that I love my son much more than you can love a brother. I fear for his future. I will not accept his negative behavior. I have tried parenting, the carrot, the stick, guidance, and nothing has changed at all. This is his problem, not one of parenting at all, which I believe the same is true for your brother or your parents would not be so reactive, with fury.

Understand their pain also. They didn't raise your brother to be this, but he is. Your parents cannot accept it any more than I can, out of my beloved son. The day I threw my son out, hurt me so deeply and still does. I can't even see him without a blow up because of his behavior, which I find unacceptable. This has nothing to do with you. You are not going to get the attention you want by cutting yourself. You are going to get yourself into big trouble, is all, so stop the antics of attention, which I know you are doing. My daughter did the same, but less drastic.

This is not your problem, it is your brother's. Your parents love him also, even if it doesn't look that way to you and you see it as abuse. If you would like to use the term abuse, I would say your parents have had far than their share of abuse, from their son.

Do you know what helped my daughter? Divorce! I removed her drunken pot head father and my own son, from this house. Today, it is just us. You wouldn't believe the difference in how she feels. She has been deprived of attention for years. You are repeating her mistakes.

Don't think your brother is abused. Your parents are and so are you, by his need for attention and guidance, which I gave my own son, at the expense of my daughter. My son is not nearly so drastic, but imagine how your parents feel. They love him also. They get furious at his behavior. Do you blame them? I don't.

Don't make my daughter's mistakes. Blow up your life because you brother always gets attention for negative behavior. Cut yourself all you want. Fail out of school. Act like some psycho, which you are far from, just to get your share, from your family. How far are you really going to get? Is this the attention you really want? I seriously doubt it, so cut your crap now!

Your brother is loved also, but a major family problem. Is this what you want? I seriously doubt it and I will give you my daughter's e-mail as proof. She is doing fantastic, with the negative influences removed. So can you. This is not the way to get attention you deserve, but an excellent way at manipulation, which is all you are doing. It worked for your brother, so why shouldn't it work for you?

Cut it now! If you don't make a good life for yourself, believe me, no one can do it for you. Ignore your brother and his problems. Come to terms with family dynamics and the fact that your parents love him also, but he is an attention hog, just like my son. You get nowhere with what you are trying, so cut it. Act decent. Do good in school. Make a life for yourself and don't allow your brother to influence this.