I know this might be a strange and loaded question, but can someone tell me how to learn to forgive? I'm having some issues, well, a lot of issues with my trouble with my mother-in-law, and the only way things will get better, I know, is to forgive her for everything she's done. It's so hard, and I just don't know what to do with all my pent-up emotion. Everytime she crosses my mind, I get so angry and crazy, and I know it's not healthy and I just don't know what to do anymore. I need help, please, somebody.
Pretty please?

I'd say to first try being as fair and unbaised as possible when you think of her. If she still bothers you when you have a fair view, work on forming an objective view of her and think of it whenever she crosses your mind.

Either that, or take a more active approach. Be strong and calm and trudge through attempting to reconcile any problems or feelings, and try forming a better personal relationship with her. Maybe bake her cookies? Nice gooyey ones.

If that doesn't work, then...hmmm. Try looking past those things you hate and look for something good in her. Look for something good that she's just not showing or mabye you're not seeing from your current perspective. If you find that, you can see her as a good person, it's just that something happened in her that changed her. So you'd think of her as good on the inside even though she doesn't show it on the outside. And doing that will help you attempt to understand her as a complex person who has real feelings that change. You'll hopefully see her as a person who just isn't able to show her good side at this point and to you.

Hmmm, any of that help?

Teach you Forgiveness? Hm I don't know if that is possible. Really Forgiveness is something you learn through practice, that and patience.

Having spent a long, long time being unforgiving to somebody for something they did, I learned the hard was that as long as I could not offer forgiveness I would not have peace.

YOU are obviously not having peace. So let's aim for seeking peace before seeking forgiveness.

quote:

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Offer them peace, and offer them peace again, offer them peace even unto death - either way you will have peace.

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I do not recall where I learned that one, but I do know that I offer peace to those who I can not forgive, and I offer peace again and again. No not to their face for they would not understand, but in your heart. Silently when the person is around offer them peace. When you think of them, offer them peace - continue to offer them peace and sooner or later you will have peace and forgiveness comes after you attain peace.

The biggest part of knowing why something happened is to remember that we are all humans and we all make mistakes. So when you are offering peace, think of the fact that no matter how horrible the person may seem, they too are only human and most likely need peace as much as you.

It does appear that you are still on speaking terms with your mother-in-law. So try some humor, not just any humor, but humor about the type of things she says or the type of things she does to get your goat. Such humor helps to focus a behavior for the person who knows very well how vicious is his/her behavior. In fact, you can even take your humor to a worse level, mentioning which additional wicked behavior he/she omitted. All this serves to at least temporarily clear the air and makes you feel so good that for once you have regained your dignity and light and happy heart. You can let others know that you deserve better only after you have first informed yourself of same by actions, which speak louder than words.

We're not really on speaking terms. It's only if we have to. I don't go out of my way to talk to her, and she does the same.
I hate her. I do. I hate the she way she makes my boyfriend feel, I hate how she's so demanding of him and drains him so much just by talking to him on the phone. I hate the way she tries to control him so much through everything that she does.
I'm willing to bet some serious money that she recently wrote into her will, that anything he gets he can only get if he's not with me.
She used to love me, we used to get along great.
Now she thinks I've ruined his life. She thinks I manipulate him through crying, whining, and sex. I do not. It insults me to know that she thinks so.
He made a decision to move out of her house and into mine with me, with a full, loving welcome from my family, and she's understandably ****ed. I've had several people tell me one very comforting thing---"You have to do what's right for you."
This is what was right for him. She fails to understand that. She sees no reason why he wouldn't want to continue living with her so he can be depressed all the time.
She's done so many things. All the time now, all the time before. She made me feel like hell when I lived with her; her person just made my flow clogged up.
I hate the things she says about me; I hate the way she makes Wade feel guilty all the time.
These are some of the reasons why it's so hard to forgive her. There's a lot, so much to be put past, that I don't know how to do it. I wanted to sit down and talk to her about it, but there's such a large quantity of negative feelings about so many small and large issues, I don't know if anything would get done.
I know I'm capable of forgiveness, but in this case it's so much bigger than a usual situation, and it has to be done soon because it's making me hateful. Everytime her name is mentioned, I turn into uber-bitch, and either talk to myself of negative things about her or mention it to someone else. Ideally, I'd like to be seeing a psychologist, for this and other reasons, but I think it might be a while before that happens, which is why I came here for a little relief.

Carmen I am totally with David on this. I am all about peace....I have some mother in law issues too, and the thing that gets me is, yeah, I am the one all tied in knots after a family dinner when I see the way she winds her son up and how she treats him. So how do I get my peace back?
I have enjoyed the book "How to FOrgive When you DOn't know how" by Charles Klein, and many people swear by "Forgive for Good" by Frederic ....um, I forget. Check Amazon.
Finally, please think about this: I do, alot. When you forgive someone, you are not, repeat, not, saying that what they did is ok. You are saying that you are letting go of the lack of peace around the issue.
Good luck, keep in touch around this.
love,
Wzlwmn

I think the reason your boyfriend's mom doesn't like you is that you tell him the truth and encourage him to be his own person. It sounds like she has been manipulating him, making him do what she wants and influencing him to do things by making him feel guilty. She is resentful because you gave him the courage and the support to finally stand up to her. She would still have that control if you weren't around. She is his mom and he is still her son. She probably is lonely and misses him. Just because he is not living with her doesn't mean he can't see her. I think the best way to establish a relationship with her is to show that you are not trying to keep him from her. Encourage him to go visit his mom. Tell him to go out to lunch with her and make time for phone calls. Don't be upset because she keeps him on the phone. She just misses him. It sounds like she was so controlling because he really is all that she has. It really is sad if you think about it. The reason she is so controlling could be just fear of letting go. Try to see her for who she is- a mother who feels like she is losing her son. The mean side you see could just be the only way she knows how to deal with it. If she loved you at one time then she can love you again. Once she realizes that you are not against her, things will slowly start to change. Try to stay positive and look for the good in her. Sometimes you just have to be the bigger person. I remember an old quote: "If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude about it." It really works. Good Luck to you.