Well it has been quite a while since I have posted here but I am hoping someone here can help me out.I am married. Me and my husband have been together 9 years and we are happily married I might add.I found out last Tuesday that my ex-boyfriend had died.This was my first love.I am taking it very hard as in crying every day and so on.My husband is very understanding and tells me he is sorry for all the pain I am going thru and he comforts me.I am alright for a while then it hits me again and I cry.I sat down and wrote this ex-boyfriend a letter thinking if I got out all I had to say I would feel better...and I do a little.Also on top of all this my uncle died on march 15 and my grandma on may 22 of this year so needless to say it has been 3 months from hell.I am not sure if I am grieving for only him or for all 3 or for the situation in general.I am on medication for depression and I take nerve pills...thank god!! I am also planning on going to my ex's grave this weekend thinking maybe that will put some closure and do me good...any other suggestions?

You seem to be doing the right things. (I assume that the pills you mention are from a doctor.) You have obviously suffered several losses in a short period of time, and you wouldn't be human if you didn't feel the pain. It is perfectly natural that you feel loss at your first love's death; I think most people would. Going to the grave is a good idea, but be prepared for a very difficult time. I am not going to tell you that the pain will go away eventually, because it may not. But in time, you learn to deal with it better. Good luck, and please keep in touch.

First of all I want to say I really feel for you. I lost someone I loved to suicide and I was partially responsible for his death. Without going into details here I also had a really hard time with this. It has been over 5 years now and hardly a day goes by that I don't think of him. I am not a really religious person but I found that it gave me comfort to pray for him whenever I thought of him. I felt that maybe I could do something good for him and take my mind off my own feelings of loss. Also if you could talk about your feelings with the people closest to the family members you lost maybe you could help each other to heal. Don't give up, there are people you don't even know that care about you and are pulling for you.

I want for you should know that there are five stages of grief. Those stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

There is no set time limit on any of these – we can go quickly from denial to depression and get hung up in the depressed mode for days, weeks, months years sometimes. We may not travel through them linearly either, we may go through denial and anger and bargaining and then go back to denial, then hit depression, then back to anger.

All of that is normal there is nothing wrong with you if you are going through all of that.

This may be one of the huge issues for you right now, not understanding that what you are going through is absolutely normal.

There is no doubt in my mind that being hit with three deaths in such a short period of time has worked your nerves badly. It is not at all surprising that the more recent death has hit you so hard. I imagine that you didn’t have time to work through the 5 stages on the first death, when the second took place, and as you started to work on that (as well as the first) the third came a long thus upsetting your journey through these steps even further.

If you had depression before these three deaths, then it may be even harder for you to go through that depression step to acceptance.

Visit the grave if you want or need to – but do not feel that you must or have to go to the grave. Not everybody can find closure at a grave. You may or may not, the grave site may make things worse for you – I can not say.

However if it has worked in the past for you then it may work this time.

There are no fast and easy solutions to grief. Grieving is a process, requiring each step to be taken. And there are usually no clear cut moments when we find that we are in the next step these steps tend to blend at the edges and what is first one thing becomes another. There are no shortcuts, there are no inroads that allow you to by pass any of those five steps.

I’m sorry. Life can be harsh, but this horrible grief will ebb, it will lessen, it will become bearable and you will adapt and learn to live your life without these people in your life. Most of us do those who don’t usually end up very sick.

I suggest chamomile tea, with catnip and honey before bed time. This will help sooth your mind and help to relax and hopefully give your body and brain and most importantly your heart the rest they need to heal this fresh wound.

I also suggest deep breathing exercise when the emotions become over whelming. Taking deep slow breaths and releasing them slowly fills the blood with oxygen which will help to settle any physical discomfort that grieving causes (like the heart ache)

If you feel like screaming, then scream – If you feel like beating something up, I suggest pounding on a pillow, if you feel like crying, and then let the tears flow. Personally I have a rule about crying, I only do it in the shower – the water hides the tears streaming down my face, and the sound of running water covers the sobs. I confess there have been days were I have taken many showers.

Please do not Should yourself. Shoulding all over oneself is a bad thing to do.

What is Shoulding? Where you tell your self things like “I should stop crying” “I should not be grieving” “I should be over him by now” etc.

When you should all over yourself it leads to depression, unfortunately when people are depressed they should all over themselves more often than when they are not depressed – it is a vicious circle of shoulding.

Yes it is very close sounding to another thing we wouldn’t want to do, that’s why we progress from diapers to toilets – Unfortunately, nobody has come up with a good place to dump all the Should in the world

Above all else be good to yourself, What does that mean? That means that if you feel like eating a chocolate cake all by yourself – do it with no regrets. That means you do not have to go to a funeral or a grave – only if you want or need to – And you don’t have to wear all black if you don’t want to.

Being good to yourself means that you don’t have to should all over yourself. It also means you do not have to accept others shoulding all over you either. Being good to yourself also means that you do not have to stop feeling what you are feeling because others may not understand where you are coming from. They have their own feelings to deal with, let them deal with those not yours.

Being good to yourself means that you do not have to work through the grieving process any faster than you need to. This is not a race, there are no blue ribbons to compete for. Take it one day at a time, and I assure you that a tomorrow will come where it is all easier to bear and you find that you are not feeling so terrible.

I certainly understand the feelings of loss you are describing. I lost my father when I was 21 years old and it took a long time to recover... and even though I am now 39 years old, in some ways I haven't completely recovered even yet.

You have lost several people in a very short period of time, your feelings of grief may not be just be over the death of your Ex- but from the overwhelming feelings of all your losses. Doctor prescribed medications can help, but therapy is a valuable way to learn coping mechanisms and help you move on through the grieving process.

It isn't something that will happen overnight, but it sounds like you have a good support system to help you manage these feelings.

If you need to talk, we are here to listen.

~Sher~

Well the good news is that I am feeling better about things.The bad news is that I still have a some guilt about his death.I am sure that will fade with time.I did go to his grave,I felt it was something I needed to do for me.When I left I was not so sure it was a good idea or not.I do believe that at a grave there is only a body that the soul goes to Heaven but none the less I thought I needed to.I talk to him even now.It makes me feel better.I know in my heart that he can hear me.(and I don't mean to cause a debate because some people dont believe that)I still grieve but I went to see my doctor last week and he changed my medication (nerve pills) and they really seem to be calming my nerves.I have also come to the conclusion that as Sherasi said I am tying to deal with all of the deaths at once without there being a time to except one before the next comes.I am working on that now.I think I dealt with my Uncle and Grandma better because I knew they were sick and I knew they would be better off.But my ex's was just out of no where and shocked me.Floored me may be a better word.All in all I want to thank you all for your input and support.You are all a great bunch of people and I am glad to have found this site.

We are glad to have been here to help you.

As for guilt, my father died of a heart attack and I was doing the CPR. Others were also assisting, but there is often an element of guilt during the grieving process.

I enjoy this site also. If you like the site, tell others about us too. That is how we have kept going.. word of mouth.

If you need anymore help about anything at all, just ask.

First, my heart goes out to you with this pain to find a way to get through. I am happy to hear that you have a very supportive husband with you that doesn't feel threatened by the death of you ex-boyfriend and is standing by your side through all the loss in your family.

I feel that your reactions are very normal. It is especially shocking when a younger person dies, adding more grief that what you are already dealing with.

You are doing the right thing making a topic post for others to support you, even if you don't know us personally. It is like a family here. Sometimes I get a little bold and become the black sheep, but I always come back to people that are caring to all here. I wouldn't come back if I didn't care about these people here that I have had a lot of words with. I would have been banned long ago, if they didn't somehow care about me too, no matter how hated I feel here sometimes. You are with good people.

Please, post what is on your mind and don't worry about sounding good or editing. We understand and will do our best to help, even if you don't get the same advice.

I'm going to give you some advice that I should do, but afraid to. There are support groups all over the US, right in your neighborhood. Go, which I know is hard or I wouldn't fear it so much.

Personally, I need a divorce support group badly. I have a few divorced friends that are well past the stages of grief that divorce brings. They forget how bad it feels, in time. They have come to acceptance that I am far from. Talking to friends isn't helping. They minimize this telling me I will get past it, as they did. It sure doesn't feel that way now. It is like no one understands me or my pain.

I feel so alone, but wouldn't if I would get off my butt and quit fearing something that hurts so bad and actually seeing other people at the same stages I go through.

Grief is grief, in death or divorce. It is the same feeling of dying inside and not participating in life. I know how it feels without anyone dying. Sometimes I think it hurts more because my husband is alive and this marriage has no finality at all, with common children. This is a very different subject, but the same emotion, grief and we have to get through it in order to live again, which I don't do and I am guessing you are just as pain filled as I am. It hurts so bad, you can only partially function at all. How much time do you wish to waste your life on this or come to acceptance, with help of others, like us and those in a support group that you can see and hear the tone of their voice. Help each other. Helping another will give you confidence you probably need right now. Go to a local support group with real people.

Talk to us here, at AP. We can't give you any magical answers, just try what we can to help ease this weight on your shoulders.

Take my advice, that I am afraid of taking myself. Grief is no joke. This need to medicate to stay sane can last years or until you feel strong enough. You will always feel the pain of loss, so don't fool yourself into thinking otherwise.

Getting through grief isn't anything you can put a time limit on. Some people never have supportive people to help and never get through it, just exist. You have to cry your eyes out, talk to your husband and family, talk to us, talk to real people suffering and sharing, in order to come to terms, which does take time.

Vent here anytime! The people here are kind and want to help.