Around a month ago one of my daughters best friends was killed in a wreck. It was devastating, they grew up together.
The thing is, I'm so terrified to let her drive now. She's 16 yrs. old and this should be a really fun time in her life.
But another thing is, she doesn't bug me anymore to drive. I think she is scared to get behind the wheel again.
What can I do to let go of the fear of her driving and how can I help her to over come her own fear?

Puppy, I was in a near fatal accident about 12 years ago and since then have been in another fender bender. Of course, both were not my fault - I was the victim. But I can tell you that what was once a fear of driving has now become almost an irrational fear. I literally get sick to my stomach when I have to drive and will only drive back and forth to work. I know it will only be a matter of time before family and friends get tired of chauffering me around. But the point to remember is - there is little YOU can do to help her over come her fears. SHE is the only one who can face them and usually time allows that to happen. After my first accident I was scared to even open my eyes on my way home. But I MADE myself and I made myself get into cars and ride around. Guess I kinda jumped back on the saddle so to speak. But after the second accident it was just too much for me mentally and now I am a nervous wreck when I see a car pulling out of a driveway or entrance.

Just be patient with her. And when her driving skills are superb then she will start to feel safe behind the wheel. You might suggest she drive around empty school parking lots just for the practice.

And when you make your first million - hire a chauffeur - that's what I plan on doing!

P.S. Fears are not something to make light of. Sometimes we don't know why we have them. But the love and support of those around us makes us feel better.

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Originally posted by Georgia85:

P.S. Fears are not something to make light of. Sometimes we don't know why we have them. But the love and support of those around us makes us feel better.

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Well said, Georgia.

Dear Puppy

I am so sorry to hear about your daughter's friend, baby. That must be painful for both of you. I will keep you and your daughter and her loved one's family in my thoughts and prayers.

I agree with Georgia on this. Love, support and facing fear is what can heal those of us who have been involved in car accidents or have lost loved ones to accidents.

Facing our fear (particularly of driving) is not easy. And it is painful. Most of us, I suppose, developed some level of Post Traumatic Stress. I did, since I was involved in 2 serious accidents (3 fender-benders) and sustained head and neck injuries in both.

My suggestion would be, if you can afford it, to get therapy for your daughter. If therapy is not financially possible, you can help. Set up a safe, quiet environment. Get both of you a cup of tea. Open the subject gently, by asking your daughter how she feels. You can just listen as she talks about her grief over the loss of her friend and about her fears. You can tell her, her feelings are ok. That she is not alone in her fear. And try to avoid the subject of her having to drive. (Unless she brings it up.)

This may take a while. With your love and help, she may reach the point where she asks 'you' to take a ride.

We will be here for you, puppy, ok?

dorie

Well puppy, to be able to help your daughter overcome that fear, first you have to overcome it. Imagine your girl wants to drive and you will react with anxiety, what message are you giving her?
Give yourself time to thing that these things happen for many reasons and no matter how hard you try you can´t protect your child from all dangers in the world.
Good luck girl! And may family peace prevail!

And you're right Lucy, I have to over come it if I want her too.
I would do anything for her.

Something I believe largely because it brings me comfort: when your number comes up you will go, and not before. We only die once, PTL. You are killing her over and over and over again in your thoughts. Turn her fate over to God who is in control, and forget about it.

Catty (who figures the less responsibility the better)

Catty I just love what you said.

Pup I am so sorry about your daughters friend. But I think it is going to take time. What ever you do just don't push her. I think if you do what others said and try to get your fear out of the way it will show her that you are confident in her. That will be hard because you know what could happen. But like Catty said we are in Gods hands. I worried constantly when I was pregnant and after my children were born that they were going to die. My first child was born with a heart defect and I held him in my arms for 2 days waiting for him to die. I was so afraid that my other children were going to have problems also and even worried after they were born. It has just taken time to feel better about every thing. I wish you luck. I will be thinking of you and your daughter.

Young people seem to think they are invincible. They are inexperienced drivers and make stupid mistakes. Usually they do damage to a car that money can fix. Tragically, that isn't always what happens.

I have a son about to turn 16. He is dying to get a drivers license. I have been living in fear of this for quite a while. He asked me once how fast my car can go. I told him that I didn't know because it isn't safe to drive at speeds that the car can actually do. He couldn't figure out why I never took it out just to see. That statement gave me a heart attack. He thought I was overreacting with my explosive safety lecture. Why do something as stupid as risking your life to see how fast a car will go? Turning him loose with a car? I dread it. I also dread the fact that his friends that are equally as ignorant as himself driving while my son is a passenger.

It is quite shocking especially when a young person dies for a seemingly needless reason. Your daughter needs time to digest the death of her friend and the cause. Maybe it will save her someday by refusing to ride with friends driving recklessly or make her pay more attention to her own driving. Hopefully this is a painful lesson about just how fragile life is.

Give her the space and time she needs. Be supportive of her. That is all you can really do. In her own time, she will be enjoying life again. She is grieving the death of her friend now. Her reaction is very normal.

These folks are so right -
For now, give Megan and yourself both time to grieve and accept what has happened. Don't put a time limit on it.

When the time comes for Megan to want to drive, both of you should remember -
The more she drives, the more you both will become less apprehensive about it.

That will be the time to think about all the safe trips made in cars every day that no one hears about, because they are the norm, the vast majority. Focus on the positive.

These are the things that have helped me. (I've been in fender-benders, and one bad wreck that could have been a lot worse!)

Also - some good advice:

My mother always told me to respect the driver ahead of me - he/she can see what I can't.

My own advice I give to Caitlin is - there is ALWAYS time to be safe! (Getting in a hurry and an accident sure won't save you any time!)

And yes - we're always here for you and LuckyGirl!

Godspeed! --Mitzi

I will keep in mind all the great advice you all have given me and work very hard at it.
You all are such great friends. Thank you.

When I was 23 one of my closest cousins was returning home from Florida when her Jeep lost it's suspension after hitting a spare tire on I-95 North. My cousin, Kim, was asleep in the back seat and was expelled from the vehicle and pronounced dead at the scene. Upon hearing this news, our world was ripped apart - I was supposed to go with her that weekend but couldn't due to obligations regarding my upcoming marriage.

My mom did not want me to drive after the accident. She took my car keys from me and said that she didn't want to be in Kim's folk's position. I think I knew it was a smart move, I really didn't feel brave enough to drive.

Eventually I had to. That's what it was, truthfully, I simply needed to get somewhere and no one was free to take me so into my car I went. It was scary and with every movement of the car I was thinking of how my Kimi had felt during the accident.

I really can't offer much advice on how you should handle your daughter - you know her best. I can tell you though that this is something that neither of you may ever overcome - it's been 7 years for me and my mom & I still am haunted by the accident daily. Car accidents are such a tragedy - usually a totally avoidable situation, which makes them, to me, one of the saddest ways to die.

Perhaps your daughter will come to look at driving like I have. At first I drove recklessly, like all youngsters. No seatbelt, radio blaring - young and invincible. Kim's accident knocked that right out of me. I would suggest that you impress the importance of safety behind the wheel. It's so upsetting that, just as she is old enough to drive, your daughter is faced with this harsh reality. Sadly, but honestly, this event may be the one thing to really save your own daughter one day. I'm not insinuating that the accident was her friend's fault, but coming from someone who has been there, losing someone in an accident like that really does make you more alert and aware on the road. If anything good can come out of this, I pray that it is that.

My mom was there for me, but due to her own pain I didn't ask for much help, so I advise this: She will need to talk - alot. She will need to see you express your feelings . . taking from what my mom felt when Kim died it will run from fear, confusion, anger to pity for the girl's family, to pity for the girl herself, BUT she will need to feel that you are stronger than she is. She will need to feel like her mommy can kiss the booboo away and, although you know you can't, those few moments when she is your little girl, crying to you, she will feel safe. I lived it. Additionally, I suggest you find someone to be the same refuge for you. Definetly discuss your feelings with your girl, but I'd leave recieving most of your own emotional support to your best friends or someone who knows you deeply. That was one mistake mom made with me - just when I needed her most she was a bit weaker, so I ended up not really sharing with her for fear of making her hurt more.

My heart goes out to you. You have a hard job ahead of you and I'd love to say it'll be ok. The pain won't really go away - the accidents on the news, crashed cars on the highway - they may very well bring it back to you and your daughter like they do to me to this day. The pain will change though into something more, shall I say, manageable?

If you would like to email me, please feel free to do so... same for your girl - It's a long road back but you're not alone. Kimismommy@msn.com