Its been a very wonderful, then very rough week for me. Last Friday morning, I received an answer to an email I sent on Myspace to someone I thought was an old friend from Michigan who I'd flew up there to see back in '86. I had met her at the KOA campground I was working at in Maryland, became penpals with her, then decided to go see her. Needless to say, we really hit it off great! I even went back a couple weeks later for another visit! I wanted to make a relationship with this girl, she was 17 at the time, and I was 21, but the distance was bothering me really bad. Therefore, I made the mistake of telling her I didnt think we could make a good relationship due to that distance. Well, it hurt her really bad, I never knew how bad till recently, and for 20 yrs, we didnt hear from each other. Well, after finding her on Myspace, and receiving an answer, we started to catch up. We talked on the phone, we exchanged pics, and really were hitting it off well. Then suddenly, in the middle of an instant messenger session, after mentioning she was getting butterflies in her stomach every time she talked to me on the phone, she said she had decided not to talk to me anymore.
I was shocked to say the least! We were having so much fun being reunited, I guess I didnt see that coming at all. I'm thinking she was realizing that she was starting to feel the same way about me again, and didnt want to get hurt again. I cant, and dont blame her for feeling that way at all, I just tried to explain that I wanted to be great friends, especially since we're both married, and have her in my life again in any capacity. She, unfortunately, didnt want that. She said she wanted to cut all ties completely! So, now I'm feeling depressed, and extremely guilty that I made her feel that way again, even though it wasnt intentional. I'm sorry to get on here and just rant like this, but I guess I needed to just vent some. I've done alot of very stupid things in my life when it comes to women, I have a tendency to let the good ones get away from me, and keep the bad ones for some stupid reason.

Thanks for lending your eyes!


chris

Hi Chris,
I'm sorry it doesn't seem to have worked out for you. I'm no expert on relationships, having made some not very good choices throughout my life. But it seems to me, that if I were in her shoes, it would help to hear something along the lines of what you have written here. It's honest and comes from your heart.
If you haven't done that, it might be worth a shot. Just tell her how you feel in an e-mail. That way, she gets the chance to consider what you have said, before replying.
I wish you the best of luck, and I'll be thinking of you. dg

Actually dg, I did just that right before I posted here. She responded to it with pretty much the same as before, tho saying she was wondering if maybe I was being a bit of a "player" because the majority of the friend's I have on Myspace are female. But at least, she is responding, so we'll see what happens. Thanks for responding, and the good wishes!

chris

Chris, please keep in mind that she may be in a happy marriage, with children and all that comes with a good marriage, and that you, in any capacity, may represent a risk to her

Dg,
She says she's not happy at all, and has no interest in her hubby anymore. My marriage isnt much better, we're still in a kind of limbo, and I'm not sure where its going, if anywhere. We seem to be just existing. For now , this gal and I have agreed to keep it as friends, and just keep in touch. It seems to be better that way.

chris

Well Chris...from one of "your women" on MySpace, you can tell her I'm definitely harmless LOL. (Holy cow I'm glad my MySpace pic isn't the same as the avatar here!)

I'm sure that if I was just getting to know a person (again even), it would concern me a bit if that persons page had a vast majority of friends of the opposite sex.

Out of all of the MySpace pages connected to mine, I think mine is pretty unique because most of MY friends ARE women!

I'm glad that you'll be friends - that is best for now until everyone figures out what they want in this life. Good luck my friend!

I think Dorian hit the target. Even if her marriage is not happy, it doesn't change the reality facts. There are risks in any kind of marriage if someone else get involved, and that mean online, too. Not to be rude Chris, but I think you should just respect her decision and move on. Good luck.

Start with friendship, and you have to think about the possible consequences of that friendship on both your marriages, of course.
I tend to take the view that life is too short to live with mistakes, and if your marriage isn't working, that needs to be addressed one way or another.
Get to know her as a friend, and you'll both have a better idea of where things can go from there.

I appreciate ALL the advice given here. For now, we're remaining friends and chatting for a little while nearly every evening. It seems to be working out better that way. Neither of us really wants to completely lose the other, as we've already decided we can be great friends.
Now if something develops later on, and we're both available, then so be it. I wont run from it, and neither will she. Thanks again all!

chris

Sometimes a hurt is very difficult to get over, no matter how long it has been since it happened. She may remember most vividly that you abruptly ended a blossoming relationship, for reasons she did not necessarily agree with. She may, as you suspect, feel old emotions welling up and want to nip them in the bud before things go any further than words. Whatever her reasoning, you must respect her decision and not impose yourself upon her, regardless of how you may think you feel about her or what sort of relationship you may imagine. Especially considering you are both married. While the marriages may not be ideal, you have to keep in mind that it is not just the two of you involved in this, there are spouses and perhaps children who may get hurt as well.

She deserves your honesty, your respect and understanding. If you want to maintain some form of contact with her, you have to do it on terms that are okay for both of you. Start with friendship. But I would be very cautious about how often the two of you chat, and what you chat about. Even IM’s can be monitored. You may be “just friends,” but if your marriages are unhappy to begin with, you could just be asking for trouble. I would just caution you to be careful.

Well, there's no longer any need to worry, we've decided to end it permanently. She was getting too neurotic for me to stand anyway, one minute she wants me to meet her halfway between us for a weekend, the next she wanted to stop talking altogether. So, the next time she mentioned not talking anymore, I took it, and now we aren't. Thanks for the advice people, but its no longer an issue for me to deal with.


chris

Neurotic? Surely not. Women are never neurotic! Now I'm wondering..maybe we are..

Sounds like she had a lot of doubts and troubles of her own, and you made the right decision, Chris.

"Women. What do they want?" - Sigmund Freud

Given the circumstances, my guess is you made the right decision.

quote:

Well, there's no longer any need to worry, we've decided to end it permanently. She was getting too neurotic for me to stand anyway, one minute she wants me to meet her halfway between us for a weekend, the next she wanted to stop talking altogether. So, the next time she mentioned not talking anymore, I took it, and now we aren't. Thanks for the advice people, but its no longer an issue for me to deal with.

The best thing for two married people to do. For better or for worse!!!

Uncertainty as to how to deal with a complicated relationship is not necessarily neurotic but rather perhaps caution and realism.
Regardless, I hope that you are both able to continue your lives as well as possible and hope that whatever is meant to happen, does.

Would you believe she actually tried to get in touch again? Now thats what I call neurotic! cant make up her mind at all! Anyway, I said no, I'm not going thru it anymore.

chris

Attention-starved, lonely, sad, maybe. Suffering from a mental and emotional disorder, probably not. But it's probably best to distance yourself from the situation, as you have, rather than suffer the rollercoaster.

You all need to search for some info on the narcissistic personality. I have been attracting these creeps in the opposite gender lately. One man kissed me on the sidewalk one minute and pushed me away, yelling what faults I have, which are his faults instead, the next minute. Another man out of a clear blue sky started yelling, "I am not in love with you" not once but twice. It is commendable that I usually have the patience of a saint and am thankful to God that I have a sound enough mind to realize that I am blessed enough to play these characters by ear. One sees me on the street occasionally and talks normally to me, as long as I act nonchalant. The other still calls me, and I suspect that he was putting on an act to see how I would respond. Nonchalantly, of course. I know how to play poker, how to work the hole cards, showing them when my opponent puts some money on table. Let others make their moves, but be prepared for anything, even what you cannot imagine.

You people need to engage in some role playing, or including in your thoughts how new people in your life could possibly act, and prepare yourselves for the worst. If an apartment or a job is available, it may not be because it is all that desirable, and the same holds for people who you hardly know or recall from the year of the flood when you were even more naive, gullible, and way too readily trusting.

P.S. I have one business card with my telephone number and another without it. Needless to say, when the fellow in the supermarket was acting overly friendly and was claiming to be divorced but was wearing a wedding ring, he got the card without the telephone number. Sometimes I manage to save myself grief, instead of giving into mere wish fulfillment.

"You people"? Why, I never.