My mother was talking to me about my father which made me start thinking about my life when he was still here. My father died of Crohn's disease when I was 10 years old. I have no good memories of him. He was very sick and I remember visiting him in the hospital. I remember him sending me to my room constantly for long periods of time. I remember him yelling at my brother. I was never allowed to play with my friends and they were never allowed over. When my girlfriend needed a band-aid, my mother let her in the house. He came home unexpectedly. (I can't remember what happened) I was so scared of him. I know this sounds so silly now. He was pretty much a jerk. I feel so bad since I have no good memories. All I have are little tidbits of my childhood that aren't very good. I would think that there must have been SOMETHING that was happy. There was just so much yelling. My mother attributes it to him being sick all the time. Why can't I remember anything good? My self esteem was shattered as a child. I hear of people blocking out the bad.. but never blocking out the good. I feel bad that I feel this way. I was never daddy's little princess. I was more of a burden along with my brother. I was only 10 when he died. I was only 10 but I knew what was going on. My life is good as an adult. I sometimes wonder how different my life would have been if he was still here. Before he died he made a cassette tape and he did tell my mother to take care of me. I really WANT to believe he was a good man. I just can't. Has anyone had someone in their family die (that they saw regularly) who felt better without them or that the person who died was a bad person? Do you feel bad about it?

My mother and I had a love-hate relationship.
Of course I loved her; but honestly - I rarely liked her. There is a difference.

I felt very tense around her - like walking on eggshells. She was very demanding. I know now she loved me in her own way. She just didn't know how to handle her feelings.
I do have good memories, too - few, but they are special.

Even after I got married, however, she exerted control.
And even after she died, her control lived on.
It took some big shake-ups in my life before I learned to let go of the past - not just concerning her, but all of it.

I wish I could have had the insight then that (I like to think) I have now. Perhaps I could have helped our communication somehow.
I wish I had told her more how much I appreciated the things she did do for me.
And I wish she had realized how much I tried to do for her.
A week before she died, she said to me, "You always have been there for me, haven't you?"
(How I wished she'd said that years sooner!)

Things just don't always happen the way we wish they had. But there's only so much we can do - others have to make their move too.

Clare - Your dad probably did care about all of you, but just didn't know how to show it. It was nothing you did - it was a problem he had.

My parents were divorced when I was three, and my father was in the Merchant Marines so I rarely saw him growing up.
After I graduated, I began coming to Mobile to visit him and my step-mother. I enjoyed getting to spend time with him.
But it wasn't until my son was born, and he sat in the waiting room that I realized he really did care about me!
(I had eight more months to enjoy that realization.)

Funny how things happen, isn't it? Funny and sad.
Just know you're not alone.

Clare - You're a special friend, and you know I'm here to talk anytime you want!
Godspeed! --Mitzi

About the illness

One of my most loved friends in high-school had this disease. When I met her she was a very strange girl with an obsession with death. She turned out to be one of the most lovely and generous people I have ever had the blessing to meet.

One thing I think I should mention is that no one with that disease gets to go a day without knowing that they are dying. There is a reminder in the things that you can and can not eat, in the horrible things your body does to you, and the terribly painful and undignified treatments you undergo.

I was there to see the devastating effects the disease had on this girl, and the drugs they put her on to combat the illness. They often affected her moods, her memory, and her ability to function. One day she was the quirky, funny girl we all loved, and the next, raving with anger and sorrow.

Your father may have been a frightening and harsh individual...but there is a very good chance that this was NOT your real father, but the combination of the disease, the drugs, and the lingering spector of death which all with the illness face.

I would talk to your mother and have her tell you about the GOOD things in your father. The things that made her fall in love with him...and why she married him. Though you won't have the joys of having known this side your father, it may put to rest some of the negative feelings you have for him knowing that he was not all bad. Also...though there is nothing wrong with being angry at someone who has hurt you...please consider that your father probably loved you very much, but unfortunatly suffered from one of the most difficult mortal diseases one can face. That doesn't excuse his behaviour towards you...but it might explain it...so you can understand why he couldn't give you the warmpth and affection you needed.

Good post, Kat.

Kat that is a very good response.

This illness is a very painful illness, being unable to control bowel functions almost at all is one of the symptoms. I've taken care of many people with it, and it is one of the less pleasant illnesses that exist (as if any illness is pleasant anyway).

Here is some information about it:

Crohn's Disease

Clarebear, don't feel bad that you feel this way about your father. You were very young when he passed and, from what I've read, he was a very controlling and demanding man. Some people, even parents, are very hard to love and it is very difficult to see the good in them. Your father may have been one of these people.
It is not your fault, though. You were just a child. If you could not see the good in him, it is likely because he did not let you. That, or there was no good in him. Not to speak ill of the dead, but there are people who are just no good. My paternal grandfather was such a person.
It is possible that his attitude was a result of his illness, but that is not an excuse -especially when he took it out on a ten-year-old child.
My point is, it is not up to you to make your father out to be a better person than he really was. Do not feel bad that you do not like him or cannot remember the good times. Perhaps someday, something will come back to you. Perhaps your mother will remember something. If not, it is not your fault. This was his problem.

And as for my grandfather: he was a terrible and evil man, and I am glad he is dead.