I have major family problems. My family does not tend to see me as an adult to make my own decissions on major issues. I'm sure alot of it is from years of my issues with my ADD that I have. Now I am off of my drugs from it and doing fair without them. I still have not yet been able to go back to work as a nurse but am seeking help on my focus and issues with my ADD.

I have had major family emotional problems in the past 6 months also, which I know alot of you are already aware of my finding out about my adoption. Recently my parents were involved in a car wreck so more now to worry about. I know their biggest issue with me is my being off of my drugs that they don't think I can make major life style changes and decissions on my own right now. They are really driving me crazy lately with their lack of trust in me to handle this. So I am about to the end of my rope with them all, to the point of not getting along very well, and constant arguing with them.

I know not being able to work right now has made me more dependent on them with having to live at home. I have gotten to the point lately where I don't sleep well and don't eat alot. I have lost about 25 pounds now. I also need surgery (hysterectomy) and I am not sure right now if that is what i want to do. I have never wanted children but, still for some reason am hesitent on the surgery and the long term effect.I feel like I am just major depressed anymore. I do not want drugs to handle this issue. I just feel like everyday is such a battle to live and try to stay out of their way so we can all get along.

So I guess my question is where would you suggest I start at to handle this? Any suggestions at this point would be helpful. Thanks Sam

Samantha, if your problem is severe dysmennorrhea, there are new drug treatments available now. You should look long and thoroughly into this before you decide on hysterectomy. Consider the option, too, of putting up with the symptoms. It is an option.

You must bear with parental overmanagement. They love you and have cared for you and taken you into their home. You live with stress. Well, so do they, obviously.

Six months is not a long time for getting adjusted to living without drugs.

I would suggest the first step is to learn to manage your present difficulty: getting along with your parents.

That is a lot of what life is about: getting alone in current difficulties, whatever that difficulty is. Each one is a step in the difficult task of building one's own character. And sometimes we just must endure a difficult time.

The best way to convince them that you are strong enough to handle the problems of independent living and job stress is to show them that you can handle the problems in your life right now. And show yourself that, too.

When one returns to one's family home, for any reason, there are bound to be tensions. You are again 'the child'. You are expected to clean your room and help around the house. Parents want to oversee your social life, pass judgment on your friends, worry about drug and alcohol abuse, and so forth.

However the 'child' has experience with living away from home, and expects the same impersonal tolerance which he/she has grown accustomed to there.

So returning home is really tough for everyone. Neither side's expectations are very reasonable, really.

For example, if the returning child expects to be treated with the unfailing courtesy with which a guest is treated, this is not going to happen.

These people are not your friends or your landlord. They are your parents. You are neither an actual child nor an actual guest. No friend or landlord is likely to take you in for six months when you are out of work. You have accepted their help. That puts you under obligation.

Here is an example to illustrate the difference:

Mary used to live in an apartment. She would occasionally bring a male friend home and he would stay overnight. Her landlord did not object because he/she has no right to.

Mary went home to care for an elderly parent. Also, she is banking the money she would otherwise be paying for rent. Now if she brings a male friend home with her, there is a big scene. Mary says it is not her parent's business, she is an adult. Her parent says that strangers coming into the home and staying overnight is just not on.

They can either keep on fighting over this forever, which is doing neither much good, or Mary can decide to conduct her friendships off the premises.

Sam, you are dealing with some major issues right now. Your finding out some of things that you have is such an effect on you. Your dependent on your family right now because you are not able to work, therefore, it's easy for them to think they can make decisions for you. How long do you think it will be until you can go back to work?
You are 25, not 55. You need to remember that before you go getting a surgery that you might later regret. You are so confused right now that it's not a good idea to make a decision that will ultimitely decide if you will go the rest of your life with or without children.
I think you should just sit your family down and tell them that you are an adult now and you need to make your own decisions, good or bad, in order to grow on your own. If they don't respect that, you may have to lean on them less financially to get your point across.
As for the losing weight, Sammy, you know this is a huge problem for you. You can't let yourself get so thin. You need to eat, drink ensure (no matter how gross it is!) to get the vitimans you are lacking by NOT eating. You will never be well enough emotionally or phycially to go back to work if you don't take care of yourself.
Now take charge of your own life. Show your parents that you are infact a grown up and make good choices for yourself.

NOW GO EAT YOUR VEGGIES

Sam...what advice can I offer that Bab and PB haven't otherwise touched on (great answers, btw).

Fortunately, or unfortunately, I don't think children will ever be viewed as 100% adult in their parent's eyes. They only want the best for us and it appears that they are concerned for you on many levels. It will take time for them to see that you are functional without the meds. And perhaps if you attended some support groups that might put them more at ease. I don't think it is an issue of them not trusting you - but more like they think you may still need some guidance. And who amongst us doesn't need guidance from time to time?

From just my reading of your post it sounds like it has mirrored my life in so many ways. Even down to the surgery decision. PUHLEEZE feel free to e-mail me (you know the address) and perhaps I can offer more support that way!

Samantha, it's very tempting in life to look for the 'quick fix'. If we're in pain, take a pill. If a doctor tells us the pill has side effects, take it anyway, and then take another pill to cure the side effects. If we can't get along with someone, move out.

What this response does is prevent us from maturing.

Mature people have learned to deal with pain, and endure unpleasant situations if there is a reason to endure them.

(Of course I'm not saying you pop pills. I'm just speaking generally.)

But the point is, until we mature (become fully adult) we cannot -- CAANNOT -- be personally happy or even contented.

Maturation is always painful. One has to face the fact that one is no longer safe and protected. One has to find out that decisions ALWAYS have consequences. One must learn that decisions often cannot be deferred until we know what we need to know to make the right one. And so on.

Still, it's well worth it. As you mature, you begin to take pride in strength and independence, and find new confidence in making decisions.

To try to repair the rift between yourself and your parents, why not do some generous little thing for them?

It doesn't really matter what it is. Take out the garbage. Mend a pair of your dad's favorite socks. Offer to wash and blow-dry your mom's hair. (And DON'T immediately ask for a favor. This will REALLY throw 'em!)

This gesture is a good way to lower the tension between you all, and allow you to get along comfortably for the time you are with them. It suggests to them that you do appreciate the personal sacrifices they are making by having you in their home at this difficult time.

And it doesn't involve anyone making complicated verbal apologies or explanations, which can sometimes lead to further arguments!

Sometimes I think families are just supposed to be problematic. I have family problems that upset me a lot also. I never talk about it much except to people I know very well. The story is different. The result is the same, poor family relations.

I don't even know what advice to give you that will give a lasting solution. The only one you can change is yourself. I feel like I can't be around my family much anymore because I can't tolerate their behavior. It's too upsetting to me. That's the decision I made for my own family problems. I removed myself from them.

thanks guys for your help on here. I appreciate all you said..Sam

And Sammy? Although everyone has said everything, I just wanted to remind you that I'm here if you want to talk...don't hesitate

Sam -

You didn't mention if you are going through any counseling. If not I urge you to check it out.
It would also be great if you could get your parents to go to - work through it all together.

If this is not an option, perhaps, as Georgia mentioned, you could find a support group to help. These are usually free and they are often listed in the newspaper.

Godspeed, Sam! And e-mail me anytime. --Mitzi

Yes Tex, I am in therapy with someone who handles alot of ADD people and I have a support group I go to also...so have done that for three or four months now.. Thanks for the advice