How does the family of a child molester deal with having their family torn apart? Protective services takes both a girl and her brother into foster care granting no contact with the family while it is under investigation. During the investigation Child Protective Services find enough evidence that the father molested his daughter and the mother didn't protect her. He admits it. The courts terminate both of their parental rights. This in turn immediately results in the termination of grandparent rights.(interesting fact- its true) For the family, hiring an attorney or taking custody of the kids is out of the question for financial, health and other reasons. How can the family support a family member who commits such a horrible crime? The I'm sorry- I love you- I need you- Don't leave me letters from jail keep coming in the mail. Do they just let the man rot in jail and act like he is dead? What about when he gets out of jail? Nobody really thinks about the families in these situations. What are your thoughts on this?

I think that you have touched on what too many individuals in society have turned into a nonissue: stigmatization. If you have any doubt believing me, then I attest to the fact that 30 people viewed this thread before I decided to answer.

Every day, individuals are considered "guilty before proven innocent" (it's supposed to be "innocent before proven guilty") regarding acts which they deny having done. Justice is elusive when packs of people turned away in either avoidance or condemnation of one falsely accused.

In the present situation, a man has confessed to his guilt for having committed one of society's most disdained crimes: child molestation. Yet, the man, living in the U.S., must have his due process, whether or not he survives the stigmatization enacted as violence of other criminals in jail. A half-decent lawyer, whether or not paid for by the man or his family, will try to raise as an issue (to mitigate the man's sentence) that he himself experienced abuse or something else which caused him to act as and even turned him into a sociopath. He will be tracked if he ever gets out of whatever will be, only hopefully now, his last institution. It does appear that he will not continue to be as ignored as he had been for him to go as far astray in behavior as he sank; instead, he will be continually vilified for what he did, but not for what others did to him and still others failed to do for him. If he gets any mercy while he yet lives, it will have to come from society's angels who visit him for the purpose of imparting him mercy while he is in one institution or another.

Little has dared to be revealed to a condemning society about what happens to the wife who knows what is happening but for whatever reason or confusion is unable to spill the beans on the predator.

The children are supposed to get counseling, but we never hear that therapists are so successful in treating mental disorders that droves of mentally disturbed individuals are reveling in their restored lives. The children may be misdiagnosed and mistreated some more.

So the predator will be the only one finally monitored by a society afraid of him or afraid of itself for never having stigmatized him long ago and for continuing to never have to stigmatize his wife and kids so as not to have to ever monitor them.

Society heaps shame on whoever is vulnerable, even if undeserving, of drowning in it. Society does not compassionately study, assess, and report what are the causes, consequences, and, most importantly, recommendations for prevention of interhuman disasters. People are weak so that they do not know their true challenges--not before a disaster, not during a disaster, and usually not after a disaster. The whole topic of child molestation has not improved society's awareness one bit: just get the horse out of the barn, close the door on the horse when you catch him, and barely bother with the affects on those whose lives the horse trampled when wild. Society's dogs take care of such horses, but they still do not know how to take care of themselves.

The mantle of shame must be thrown off, and individuals must begin--at whatever stage of any disaster--to try to act differently. At best, we will begin to hear more from the victims willing to address society with their stories about overcoming. There is much for anyone and everyone to overcome.

I know some people who viewed this want to answer but can't for their own reasons and others just don't know what to say. I know its a tough question- to ask and to answer. My question is based on a real situation. It is quite sad.

Thank you very much for answering. It helped.

I know of a couple of online support groups for family members of sex offenders. Send me an email if you'd like specific information about such groups.

I don't think a family member should just let another family member rot in jail regardless of the crime. That doesn't mean that they approve of the crime, or are trying to defend the criminal.

In a case where a mother knows the father is molesting the child, and does nothing, then she should be jailed also. I still think both their familes should stand by them...not in a defense mode, but just morally. The legal system will handle the criminal part.

Thanks Sarai and Honi.

clarebear,

Whomever it is going through this situation, if you know them and have any contact, please tell them they are not alone out there.

It is one of the most devastating things to happen to the victim of the sexual abuse, as well as the rest of the family.

My father started raping me when I was 13. He came into my room one night and molested me. He didn't rape me that night. The next day, I told my mom what he had done. She confronted him. He told her I was dreaming it. She believed him. And so the story goes, I was raped, got pregnant, lost the baby at five months, my father went to jail and my mother still will not even speak his name or anything that happened those 35 years ago.

When this happened to me, you just didn't tell anyone because the shame it would bring upon the family. People just did not talk about things like this happening.

So, I kept it inside. My dad went to prison for a year and a half. My parents divorced. My mom finally realized I was telling her the truth when she nearly caught us in the act a few times and I guess she just couldn't deny it any longer.

I had no contact with my father for 16 years after that. It nearly killed me. I had questions. I needed answers. My mom to this day has not talked to me about this. I'd say it's safe to say she never will. The thing is, I still loved my dad because he was my dad. But, contact with him was pretty much forbidden by my mother.

In 1988, My mother called me and told me my dad was dying of leukemia. She said I had a right to know. I had a right to know. I got to spend a few hours with him before he died. He admitted what he did and explained to me why it happened. Of course, it wasn't right and he said it wasn't but I at least got an answer to my question of why.

We made our peace but I think sometimes what if my mother hadn't told me he was dying? I never would have had the opportunity to get what closure I could get.

I would say my best advice is the child should see a therapist. There are so many feelings involved in this. One of those feelings is love for the molestor that can't be just tossed aside. This is a tough situation. If I could go back, I'd make my mother realize that even though what my dad did was wrong, I still needed him as my dad. I needed to keep some kind of contact.

I'm rambling and I'm sorry. I hope this helped some.

Different Era deals with this in a different way. Now days such "crimes" are persecuted, hm, prosecuted to the fullest extend of the law. In my day these things just didn’t happen – we all knew that it didn’t happen – doesn’t matter what was happening late at night… it didn’t happen you understand.

I assume that in most cases there is a divorce, a parting of ways, hard feelings most likely the defendant is ostracized not only by society but family as well.

After all if parents will disown you for being gay, surely they will disown you for this. Right? Examine that question and figure out what parents (family) will disown a person for gay and you start to see what motivates people and makes it possible for them to pick and choose aspects of people they will and will not accept. Rational behavior rarely plays in these things.

Again this is different times, in my childhood this subject was never talked about. I know in my family “abuse” (all forms) in general was common, leading to my father having 5 marriages, although I doubt the 4th wife knew what was going on at night in my bedroom, she was too drunk most nights to even put out her cigarettes, many nights I was the one to take the still burning coffin nail out of her passed out hand.

Their marriage failed, alcohol, his anger, her final rebellion to the “empire”. Times moved on, women were liberated and things changed.

The Emotional impact of such an event can lead down any path. The sickest path is where the “love” continues (The emotional attachment not the sex part), even those who are not directly a victim gets pretty messed up about what ‘love’ is and is not.

I bet Mom kept believing “things would get better” or “He will change”. Unfortunately courts rarely take into account the emotional weirdness that develops in abusive homes – any abuse.

Mom may have seen, mom may have been told – that doesn’t mean that mom actually knew it was going on. She may have been emotionally locked away in the closet of denial unable (not just unwilling) to acknowledge what was going on. If this is the case she will be stuck between a rock and a hard place for a while, uncertain to go for her “man” or for her children.

Mom might be blaming herself for his behavior, in this case she will continue to enable him, sure the kids are gone, so its no like she will stand/sit quietly by, but she may “punish” herself by remaining with this man as a prison wife. Or mom may just decide to take the easy way out and kill her self.

The extended family will react in their own way. Each are individuals who have “their stake” in this – depending on how they deal with things and what they are loosing (what it means to them) may lead to rationalizations like “He’s our son and we already lost the kids” to “You are one sick, twisted f--- get out of our lives”.

In the end there are too many possibilities, too many paths that it can take.

Having been a child who was beaten and abused physically that way (not sexually), even though it wasn't sexual, the feelings of love-hate still exist. I hate my father for what he did, but I still love him at the same time. He died when I was 21 years old, so I was never really able to confront him asking "why". It is terrible to have the same memories bound up with so much emotional turmoil. Adding a sexual abuse dimension to it all frankly scares the hell out of me. My love and compassion go out to those of you who have had to face such misery and anger as you must feel.

Clare, if you feel that you want to be a support for that person, I would feel no guilt or sorrow in it. You loved the person not what they did, and what they did is only a small part of who they were.

I agree sher, you can love someone and not like what they do...I guess you also have to realize they are mentally sick and do the things they do because of it, normal people do not act that way.

Thank You MammaAngel, David, Sherasi and Kittypal.


The woman is in the process of getting the child back who was molested. Its hard to say if she will get back her son. Thank you all for sharing your stories and your kind words. I can't even read the paper or watch the news without some child molester as the top story. Its sad.

Let him rot. His need for love and forgiveness, his fear of rejection and abandonment do not trump the best interests of the child.

It's way too early to know if his remorse is for what the child has experienced, or for the consequences he is suffering. Probably the latter, because any person who could put his own momentary pleasure above the welfare of a helpless and dependent child is way, way too immature (or narcissistic) to be trusted near a child.

Jailhouse remorse seldom lasts long once their feet again hit the pavement.

The stats are against any good outcome here. They almost always re-offend, given the chance.

Problem is, the mother has major problems too. The big risk is that she will drift to the first man that comes along. And abusers have a sixth sense for spotting a weak, dependent mother, who would once again 'unconsciously' not realize what is happening to her children.

Even the granparents are suspect, aren't they? There's often a family history.

Where I grew up there was a family that everyone knew weren't quite right. The kids knew way more than any child ought about sex. I spoke to my father about it, even though I wasn't really sure what might be wrong. This was a family my parents would have nothing to do with. My father's face got a hard, angry look. "They're cattle, " he said. It wasn't till I grew up that he explained to me that everyone knew. But in those days, 'a man's home was his castle'. Such children were not protected.

I hope re-adoption is an option here. And I hope the children will not carry the behavior into a new family. Best to go to a childless couple, I suppose. But adoption of older children is always a problem.

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