I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this but it fits better here than the other forums...

Before I was born my dad lefted my mom. Then a year later, after I was born and a bit older, he requested to see me and my mom agreed. He met me and spent the day with me from what I've been told.

Growing up I've had probably 4 step-fathers...one after the other. My friends all have fathers and mothers who are together and they have had the typical upbringing...mother AND father. I missed out on that and now Im starting to wonder about it. I want to know what my dad is like. I want to know about his life and my grandparents and the whole side of my family I have never known. I know that he has other kids that are older than me, so out there somewhere I have brothers and sisters. I want to know them. I want to know this side that I've never gotten the chance to meet or see. I've never seen a picture of my father, I've never heard him talked about. I wonder why he doesn't find me and I wonder if he doesn't WANT to find me or know me. I wonder if he did know me, what he would think of me, would he like me and be proud?

I desperatly hope he is still alive, if he is he would be anywhere from 50-70 and I'm sort of running out of time, see what I mean? Each time I think about this, it takes up more and more of my thoughts, everyday I'm thinking about this whole side of my family I've never been able to know. And I'm sick of it, I want to know them and I want them to know me. I guess I'm asking on advice about how to deal with these thoughts and feelings...before they consume my time and energy totally.

Thank you.

BlueJewel, first, try not to feel so alone. Someone does want you. Talk to your mom about this and let her know how you feel. Talk to your friends about it. Your mom and and friends love you and will listen. Talking to people that you trust can make you feel a lot better. Maybe your father want to find you too, but he could be feeling guilty, and don't know what your mom told you about him. I hope somehow you can find him, but in the meantime, don't depress yourself over it, because that will alter your your ability to find him. Please, try to keep thinking positive and don't give up. Remember to talk, talk, talk. Don't keep it bottled up inside you. Your mom might want to talk about it too, but don't know how to approach you. This kind of situation seem to be a growing trend nowadays, so you are not alone. There are ways to locate people, but I'm not familiar with how it's done. Maybe someone else here can assist you. Good luck, and we love you here on AP.

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Originally posted by BlueJewel06:
I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this but it fits better here than the other forums...

Before I was born my dad lefted my mom. Then a year later, after I was born and a bit older, he requested to see me and my mom agreed. He met me and spent the day with me from what I've been told.

Growing up I've had probably 4 step-fathers...one after the other. My friends all have fathers and mothers who are together and they have had the typical upbringing...mother AND father. I missed out on that and now Im starting to wonder about it. I want to know what my dad is like. I want to know about his life and my grandparents and the whole side of my family I have never known. I know that he has other kids that are older than me, so out there somewhere I have brothers and sisters. I want to know them. I want to know this side that I've never gotten the chance to meet or see. I've never seen a picture of my father, I've never heard him talked about. I wonder why he doesn't find me and I wonder if he doesn't WANT to find me or know me. I wonder if he did know me, what he would think of me, would he like me and be proud?

I desperatly hope he is still alive, if he is he would be anywhere from 50-70 and I'm sort of running out of time, see what I mean? Each time I think about this, it takes up more and more of my thoughts, everyday I'm thinking about this whole side of my family I've never been able to know. And I'm sick of it, I want to know them and I want them to know me. I guess I'm asking on advice about how to deal with these thoughts and feelings...before they consume my time and energy totally.

Thank you.

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I seen your post and I don't really have the same problems you have but I was adopted and just found out this summer. I wish I had known when I was younger because I found out my mom died along time ago.I hope you do persue finding your dad and that you get to know him before its too late and you become fast frineds. I don't know how to tell you to deal with your feelings other than maybe finding your dad or making at least the effort will help you to deal with them emotionally at least...knowing you did all you could to find him. im still trying to find away to put my life back together again after my shock but its not easy. So I do understand what your going through..Samantha

One day after one year? I can think of many circumstances for why he left and all. At least he did show some interest to come back after the year. With 4 stepfathers in succession it seems your mom was not lucky in picking guys. The life situations may not have been conducive to him being as involved as he may have wanted. Your friends are lucky but not the typical. Seems most kids are in a split home. People tend to value the prt of life that they do not have. A missing father is a big hole. Your mom is obviously the best source of information for you to start with. Hopefully she will provide some background. If not any legal records starting with your birth certificate and hopefully his city of birth or social security number. You can search on the net for companies that will find people. Same are fairly inexpensive and i have no idea if they are worthwhile. Maybe try one of those first before going to a more expensive one. Social security deathe records are supposidly fairly up to date if you have some info on him. Oprah has had two guys on who claim to be able to find anyone quickly. You could write to her for their names. Thereis also a database of people who are looking for and willing to meet lost relatives. Sorry I do not have specifics on it.

You seem to be clear in your desire to find the missing side of your family. Wether they are also wanting to meet can't be predicted. You can not lose for trying. Keep your expectations realistic and know that he should be proud of you. Good luck.

BlueJewel-The best place to start is with your mom. If she is willing, ask her all she knows. Use that info and search. There are alot of places to search that will not cost you a penny. Just be absolutely sure that you can accept the outcome if you do find him. Be absolutely sure you can handle rejection if the outcome is bad. Be absolutely sure you can deal with the overwhelming change you will have in your life if the outcome is good. He knows he has a daughter, so it will not be a surprise to him. I will help you anyway I can. I know of a lot of good places to start, I found my husbands birthmom about two years ago. If you decide to take this big step and need me, I am here. Good Luck! - Donna

I think you should have some counseling before you try this. It is important that you be prepared for a good outcome -- or a bad one. You have invested quite a bit of time in imagining a reunion, with no way of knowing whether your expectations will be met or not.

Good preparation can help you handle whatever you find.

The worst thing you could do is imagine an ideal, loving father, who will fulfill your dreams of being cherished. It is unlikely that this is what you will find, since he has not followed up with you for many years, and you may be emotionally devastated when you are faced with a lukewarm or indifferent parent.

But it is reasonable for you to want to know about the other set of relatives. You have a right to know them and meet them.

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Originally posted by babthrower:
I think you should have some counseling before you try this. It is important that you be prepared for a good outcome -- or a bad one. You have invested quite a bit of time in imagining a reunion, with no way of knowing whether your expectations will be met or not.

Good preparation can help you handle whatever you find.

The worst thing you could do is imagine an ideal, loving father, who will fulfill your dreams of being cherished. It is unlikely that this is what you will find, since he has not followed up with you for many years, and you may be emotionally devastated when you are faced with a lukewarm or indifferent parent.

But it is reasonable for you to want to know about the other set of relatives. You have a right to know them and meet them.

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Good response Babs.

It is true that your father may have had reasons for not making contact with you. There are many reasons some of which may not easy to accept. Talk to your mom.. I am sure she is actually expecting questions such as these to occur some time (if she is any kind of a reasonable person she will be).

Tell her that you feel this missing connection within yourself that your father normally would fill and that you need to simply find out about him and what he was like and, perhaps, why he left.

Good luck to you. It is a hard when you have not had what you see other friends having, a stable "normal" home life... although what happens behind closed doors is not always obvious, honestly.

Good luck to you.

As mentioned, there are ways to find missing people... your mom is the first step in this perilous journey you have set for yourself.

Meanwhile, don't let school suffer, your life and its needs must come before this quest.

Blue -
You are definitely not alone in growing up in a "broken home"!
My first date back in 1966 was a double-date. Out of the four of us, only one person's parents were still married to each other!

My brother's and sister's situations were similar to yours.
They eventually did meet their fathers, but were not close to them or to their other siblings. This is not to say you won't be!
And they too endured several step-fathers.

My father was my mother's last husband. That marriage didn't last long either.
Since he was in the Merchant Marines, I rarely saw my father. We kept contact, but I rarely laid eyes on him.
After I graduated, I started coming here to Alabama to visit him and my step-mother. I also became close to several of my aunts, uncles and cousins on his side - and they were all wonderful people!

I understand about your missing your father while you're growing up. I too missed mine. I heard other people talk about doing things with him and wished it could've been me. I've thought about everyday things some people take for granted and realized I never knew what they were like. (I never even had a step-father.)
I had to accept that I couldn't go back and get the times I missed - I had to find what there was to enjoy in the present and future.
I did get to know my father for a few years and I'm very grateful for that - he was a wonderful person!

Blue - I just want you to know that you're very much NOT alone in your situation.
Please don't feel bad about what you've missed. Focus on the things you HAVE been able to enjoy - and look forward to the happy times yet to come!
And try some of the things that have been suggested - you never know what lies ahead.

Good luck! --Mitzi

PS - From what I've come to know of you - ANYONE would be proud to be related to you!

Good luck to you Blue. My heart aches for you. PLEASE remember that it is not your fault that your Dad left, and I am SURE he would be very proud of you. As most have said, the first place for you to go is to your Mom. If you find it hard to talk to her, maybe you could let her read this thread. You deserve some answers, but even if they don't come, you need to know within yourself that you are a wonderful person! I wish the best for you and will keep your situation in my prayers.

I can't say i know how you feel, but gathering from what my mother went through I have an understanding. my mom never had a dad. He left before she was born and never knew him.
She doesn't regret it, he was a low life pimp drug addict.
If you have unanswered questions and want to see your father, the time will come for you to do so. Never give up looking.

another reason you should find out who your father is is for medical reasons. his side of the family could have a tendancy towards diabetes, or a multitude of genetic disorders. its best to know if there is a family history of diseases for better diagnosis.
so do try to find your father for both the medical and the emotional reasons. good luck :]