Did anyone on hear ever had a fear of comitment? And how did they deal with it.
Lora ********************************************************** 03-04-06, 02:46 AM tsaeb What kind of commitment: for example, commitment to another person or commitment to a psychiatric facility for treatment?
03-04-06, 03:34 AM clarebear
quote: Originally posted by tsaeb: What kind of commitment: for example, commitment to another person or commitment to a psychiatric facility for treatment?
I think commitment to a psychiatric facility would be nice some days. Wink
Lora
Comedian Julian says:
quote: I have such a fear of commitment, when I go on a date, I pick the girl up in a U-Haul. That tells her, "No matter how well this goes, I'm probably moving to Wyoming."
Most people have experienced a fear of commitment at some time in their lives. I think this fear is fueled by the inability to be sure of making the right decision. Too many questions come into mind: What if I'm making a mistake? What if he/she isn't the one? What if this doesn't last? Am I ready for this? How do I know? What if this turns out like my parents? Is this right thing to do? Do I still want to be single?
Its so hard to know what the right decision is. I think the way to overcome these fears is sit down and have an honest and open talk with your partner. Explain your fears, desires and dreams.
If you determine that your fears are based on the unknown, fear of the future, fear of your own abilities, fear of your partner being "the one" or a fear of abandonment then you can work your way through them.
If your fear of commitment is based on unhappiness in your relationship, drug or alcohol abuse, obsessive jealousy or a constant compromise in who you are as a person then you seriously need to reevaluate your situation.
Only you can decide whether to bail out or take a risk. Its not an easy decision. Talk with your close friends about your fears and get their input. Remember that your friends have your best interest at heart. Smile 03-04-06, 11:00 AM
Lora316K I never dated anyone for very long time (my longest relatiomship was one week,) hardly appropriate to talk about my commitment problem. It has relly becoming a problem for me right now as I keep pushing people away from me. People is not the only thing that I am scared to commit to, it's colege and religan, and I don't know there might be more. I think it's the idea of forever, of making a wrong choice, loosing my independence.
03-04-06, 12:54 PM clarebear If you give up your right to decide anything then you have already given up your independence. If you don't make your own decisions then you will be a prisoner to your own fears. That isn't living- it is existing. Don't let society make your decisions for you.
Its hard not knowing if you are making the right choice. It can be scary making decisions. I think you need to take small steps so you can gain some confidence. Instead of committing to a college, take one class to see if you like it. Instead of getting a lifetime membership at gym, get the 30 day membership. Its ok to try things out before you commit. Don't feel as if its all or nothing. Everything doesn't require a life time commitment. You need to trust yourself one situation at a time. I suggest you stay in school and involve yourself in some extra school projects. Smile
03-04-06, 01:02 PM babthrower Try taking baby-steps. Commitment to college is a lot safer than committing to a boyfriend, or (gulp!) to marriage.
Don't worry just yet, all it may mean is that you take commitment very seriously, which is a 'good thing".
But if it gets worse, you won't agree to plan a lunch with friends, for example, you may need to see someone about it. It will be a sign that your general anxiety level is getting too high.
We all need anxiety - it's a survival tool - but if it gets too high it can spoil our quality of life.
03-04-06, 07:43 PM Lora316K I am curently geting help for my anxiety, so that might be why I have such a problem with commitment.
Thanks,
Lora
03-04-06, 07:58 PM Lora316K I had tried going to college before. In the beginning things where fine, but after a while I just get anxious.
Lora
03-05-06, 08:41 AM Sherasi I totally agree that taking small steps with small choices is a good way to meet the anxiety. A single easy college course during the summer for example. The summer courses are shorter than standard semester lengths, you can choose a course that is an interest to you and that you are good at so that it is an easy path through the class.
Choose to do small volunteers for a limited time. Say, a nursing home, volunteer to help for an hour a week with activities.
You are seeking help for your anxiety and that is a terrific decision. Keep us posted on how things are going.
03-05-06, 11:32 AM babthrower I like Sher's advice, and volunteering would be good.
As a volunteer, you can commit to things that
- offer you a low-cost "out" if things don't work out By "low-cost 'out' " I mean the chance to opt out of an activiey without a high cost in money, self-esteem, reputation, or anything else.
- you can understand up front, so you can assess the risk. By that I mean you can join a group who walk dogs for the elderly, and enjoy the companionship, and feel good doing it; but if it gets stressful, you're not letting anyone down badly if you need to drop out.
- make all choices very consciously, and even keep a checklist. This way you will learn whether your predictions are reliable. By that I mean, for example, someone asks you to lunch, and you say, "I'll get back to you within the hour." Then you think about it, decide 'yes' because you like the person, go to lunch, then when you return write up the experience in your diary, including the outcome. If you decide not to go, the outcome might be that you feel lonely during lunchtime, and you regret not seeing your friend (not-so-good outcome). Or that you're releived, because you only would have talked about problems, and that would have depressed you. (Good outcome.)
Over time this will build your confidence. I predict that you will find that most of your predictions will be accurate! Smile So then you will realize that, armed as you are with good assessment skills, you can take bigger chances.
Odds are you are somewhat shy as well.
I think it would be wise to avoid commitments such as boyfriend, religion, and so forth right now, so you see, your judgement is good! Smile Later you can re-assess the situation.
ARe you telling your anxiety therapist this? Would be a good thing to do that.
03-05-06, 12:07 PM aminator2002 Hey Lora... take it easy on yourself. A lot of people go through tough times and you'll find a way to work this out but don't let it get you down about yourself. Could it be that you need help making some friends? And perhaps you need to find an outlet for your anxiety like exercise.
It seems like you are a young woman so I hope that you don't think there is something wrong about you. It seems like you might have an anxiety problem that should be treated with a professional.
Take things day by day and don't worry about the big picture... you'll make friends and find more enjoyment in each day if you don't put the pressure on yourself about making committments. Sometimes there is a lot of comfort knowing that you can change your path at a moments notice. Go for a walk... that usually helps clear the mind.
03-05-06, 08:14 PM Lora316K Yes, I have talked about my problem with the therapist. We will work on it.
I will look into volunteering in my area.
Lora
04-05-06, 01:34 PM Lora316K I have figured out why I have the fear of commitment. It is just the fear of being abandoned. I do not know why. I will be working on this problem now.
04-05-06, 03:25 PM aminator2002 Everyone has a fear of being abandoned. It sounds like you are making progress just by realizing what your feelings mean.
04-05-06, 04:20 PM Sherasi That is a fear many people share... the fear of investing in an emotional relationship and getting hurt by being abandoned (left).
Tell how things are going... what sort of volunteering are you thinking of doing?
A good idea is to volunteer in an activity that is sort of what you are interested in doing for work in the future. If you like the idea of teaching, maybe teaching adults how to read at a local library (or whatever) would be good. Or if you want to maybe be a nurse or a nursing assistant, you could help feed elderly people, or work as a candy striper volunteer (I don't know what they are called other places) at a hospital.
Anyway, keep us up to date with how you are doing.
04-06-06, 02:12 PM Lora316K I am interested in computers. I don't know what kind of volunteer job I can have where I can work with computers. Also I would like something close to home, I don't have a car.
04-06-06, 04:13 PM Dwight Answer people's computer questions online. Here at AnswerPool you can go into the Computer section and just start answering questions. There are many other sites that try to assist people with their computer questions. Here are a few
You can also build a Website that provides answers to questions people who are new to computers have. My site and Jan Smith's site are examples. Put an email section in where people can email you with their questions.
I hope something here will help!
Dwight
04-06-06, 10:07 PM Lora316K Thank you very much I will check it out.
04-07-06, 01:24 AM Lora316K I like this idea. I will give it a try.
08-20-06, 01:13 PM Lora316K Hi.
Sorry for not posting for a while. I am working on being more responsible right now. Hopefully having cats will help. I also planing on bulding self esteem.
Lora
08-21-06, 02:37 PM Tulula Fear of comitment I have a tremendous fear of committment, comittment, commitment, ???sp????? what was that word again?
08-21-06, 03:05 PM DorianGreyed Tulula, if you double click on a word in AnswerPool, you will see either its definition or get spelling help. Try it.
08-21-06, 10:18 PM Lora316K I have started college today.
Lora
08-23-06, 11:39 AM Tulula Thanks Dorian, my answer was just a joke though, but I do appreciate your effort in trying to help me educate myself. Wink
Congratulations Lora! College is tough, I graduated a couple of years ago -- Valedictorian (go figure - since my spelling is so atrocious) Big Grin As you can see, I didn't learn how to overcome my fear of committment comittment, commitment (sp?) (I just put my fear on hold for 4 years), nor did I learn how to spell it -- so if you are looking for some way to handle your lack of ability to commit, my suggestion would be to just put your head down and keep moving forward -- this is what I did and suddenly (low and behold)4 years later, I had come out on the other side Cool 09-01-06, 12:56 PM Lora316K Thank you for encouragement I need that. Having some problems in my computer class. I suppose some hepl with homework would be nice.
Lora
10-13-06, 06:28 PM Lora316K After starting the affirmation I have become even more sensitive and anxious than before. Any sugestions and advise is welcomed.
10-14-06, 09:08 PM Georgia85 Here are my thoughts, for what it's worth. It seems that your fear of committment is based on the idea that you will make a wrong decision and be stuck forever. And that idea terrifies you. Can't say I blame you. But where in life does it say that you have to stick with something forever? That's where learning comes in. You try something and if it doesn't work out or if it is outside your comfort zone, you change it. The committment you should have is in finding your own peace and happiness.
I doubt there is no-one among us who hasn't been scared at one time or another to try something different. Everytime someone applies for a job there is always a possibility it won't turn out the way they want. Do they have to stay there forever? No, they find something more suited for them. When you start college there will be ups and downs. I'm not saying to quit when the going gets tough...but you can always change the courses you are taking and change your major. You can make a committment to furthering your education but it doesn't mean you have to commit to every single class you sign up for.
And since you say you are now more anxious then ever it is quite possible that you suffer from an anxiety disorder. Discuss this with your therapist. There are medications that can help with this.
10-14-06, 09:58 PM Lora316K I have tried medication, that was the only time when I strarted to think of suicide and thought I will go through with it. I would rather feel anxious than not feel anything at all. I am working on my anxiety problem, but what I need is to know the root of the anxiety. I havent found that yet, but hope to fined soon.
Lora
10-16-06, 02:29 PM dodgecity you need profesional help.
REALLY you do 10-16-06, 03:25 PM Georgia85 Why do you think finding the root of your anxiety problem will help?
10-16-06, 03:36 PM Lora316K Dodgecity: I am geting profesional help.
Georgia: I don't think that finding the root will help, I know it will help. I want to know why I feel this way. When I have the answer to that I will know how to deal with anxiety.
Lora 10-16-06, 04:05 PM Georgia85 I hope that is true Lora. Best of luck with that Smile
10-16-06, 05:09 PM Lora316K Thank you.
10-22-06, 11:52 PM Wildflower63 There is nothing wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with the men you date. You are the one who apparently has guys that adore you, but you back off, every time.
I have to assume to from this, nothing works out. You go to the opposite type of guy when things don't work. It's never going to work until you decide what it is you want out of a man. I have serious doubts that you even know what to look for in a man right for you.
Give the dating game a break for a few. Take this time to learn who you are and what you want. Understand, there is no crime in choosing to be a single. Think about the guys you date and why.
10-23-06, 12:52 AM Lora316K My dates never whent further then first date and with man that it did go further then that. Well they all treated me like I owe them something. If that is adoration, than I guess I am just an idiot or blind.
10-23-06, 03:22 AM Wildflower63 Who paid? Guys never ask you out and pay for dinner and movie without wanting to be asked to your apartment for a drink, which is polite, no sex, if you enjoyed the date. You really do have three choices:
1) A total lie. "I enjoyed the evening." go to your place and don't kiss him goodnight.
2) You like the guy, but need time to get to know him. That doesn't mean sex. It can mean inviting him for a drink and goodnight because you are 'really tired'. It doesn't mean sex if you like the guy, but just aren't ready to go there, especially first date. Guys understand this!
3) Have you ever thought about a relationship with a woman? It's not all about sex! It really is about the bonding of relationship between two people.
I'm putting my bet on #3. I think, for you, this is an option worth exploring. You just may find yourself relating to another woman and there is nothing wrong with that. Obviously, you are not relating to nice men at all.
I do not mean this as an insult, just an option to explore. I think you should. This may be for you, since men just definitely aren't working out for you.
This message has been edited. Last edited by: Wildflower63, 10-23-06 03:40 AM
10-23-06, 08:09 AM aminator2002 OR... you could ignore the above post almost entirely and focus finding what makes you happy and content as a person and find new friends. Finding friends with common interests and compatible personalities can give provide you with happiness such that a relationship will have much less pressure to be the absolute perfect thing for you.
Most romance happens when you are happy and content with yourself. And making new friends is an excellent way to get over your fear of committment. With a friend you can gain comfort by committing to stick by them through thick and thin and helping them through ups and downs. When you are happy with yourself and your friendships then I suspect that you will find a relationship with a man very natural, easy going and fun.
Trying to force yourself to find the right guy is probably just not the right path for you. Establishing a solid group of friends is the best thing because when your relationships with men come and go, you can take some comfort knowing that you still have a great group of friends that love you.
Once you get there then your friends can help you navigate the dating world and can offer you the support that you'll need because it really isn't easy.
As for committing to a religion - take that pressure off yourself and just work on being the best person you can be.
10-23-06, 04:41 PM Lora316K Hi Aminator,
Have been going to college for awhile now, but no sign of making any frinds. I don't think I am any good at it. The problem is I had missed out on a lot. I never had frinds and now I just don't know how to communicate with people, men or women.
Thanks for help,
Lora
10-23-06, 05:18 PM Tulula Lora, I used to be painfully shy -- I still am a little shy, but not so much that anyone else would know.
At anyrate, I was attractive and smart, but still I didn't get much attention -- except from men who acted like they were interested and then only tried to have sex and when I said no, made me feel like it was my fault, and that I was tease etc., etc., etc. Anyway, I began to watch other people as I sat on the outskirts being treated as if I were invisable and I noticed that the groups that I found most attractive were usually laughing and carrying on in a way that would make me die of mortification if someone saw me doing those same things. Now this was rather confusing to me, why would I find the groups doing the things that I could not possibly imaging myself doing as being the groups that I found most appealing -- after noticing that my eyes and interest kept drifting towards people doing what I could not do because I thought other people might laugh at me or make fun of me or think I was stupid or whatever -- I realized that I wasn't laughing at those groups or wanting to make fun of them or thinking they were stupid -- I thought they looked like they were simply having a good time -- that's when I realized it was my own lack of self-esteem and my own shyness that was holding me back and if people did make fun of me it was because I was so boring and nerdy -- so I learned to force myself to do some of the things that I was previously embarrassed to put myself out there to do and you know what -- the more I did things that went against my intoverted side -- the more I realized people begin to laugh with me and not at me -- now when I take those personality test the tell you you are either introverted or extroverted and are you thinking or feeling, etc. I always, always get an even score on being all things -- mainly because I am a nerd - I can and always and will always be an introvert, but I have learned also to be an extrovert -- if I so choose -- but I had to overcome my own fears to do this and I had to step out of my safety zone and then I had to learn to not worry about what others thought, but only what I thought.
People really don't pay that much attention to you anyway -- you'd be surprised at how little people notice -- especially the ones having fun.
Also, don't forget that this moment and every other moment is your moment - there will never be another moment like this for you -- and it is your responsibility to seize it -- do not allow someone to take it from you and do not allow yourself to shortchange yourself -- this moment will never come back for you to re-live. Take it and when you're scared -- don't forget everyone is scared about something -- and as far as men treating you badly -- you are obviously picking the wrong type -- or the wrong type is picking you - probably because you are so shy and you project a weakness that they feel they can overpower. Why don't you work on your own self-esteem for a while and see if you don't begin attracting a higher caliber man at some later date.
10-23-06, 05:38 PM Lora316K I am working on my self-esteem right now. I just wnted some sugestions.
This message has been edited. Last edited by: DorianGreyed,
Are you gay or have interest in same sex? It really is that our expensive therapy to 'find out who you are', which you should already know, at your age.
I feel like you are hiding something about yourself that you don't want others to see. That's why you are not willing to be close to a man. I would understand if you were gay and were not willing to admit this.
At your age, I don't think it's the guys at all. I think it is your unwillingness to be yourself. I have to guess gay.
Don't let members get away with their excuses for your behavior. Obviously you have a problem relating to others, both sexes. Gay would explain why you can't tell your girlfriends and family, who you feel a social distance from. Gay would explain why there is no attraction to men.
You either need professional help and I do mean extensive talk therapy or admit to yourself and others that gay is the real issue and deal with the concequences. It may be a shock, but people love you for who you anyway. You will not be alone in life, but tell the truth about yourself. ********************************************************* 10-24-06, 12:27 AM Lora316K Wildflower,
You are wrong, I am very much attracted to men. I had always liked men and will merry a man. My problem with men is because of my father. He was an alcoholic. I had always tried to pleas him, no I was never raped, no I am not suppressing it. Nothing I ever did was ever good enough for my father. No mater how good or how quite I was. I am afraid that I will end up like my mother. You are right I am not saying something. I think I should just say it. Hope it will not get me in trouble. I hadn't had sex in a long time, I would like to WITH A MAN.
Lora
10-24-06, 11:54 PM Wildflower63 Lora, thank you for honesty, which I know was hard for you to say. You made no mistake at all. You only gave members facts to help you, not to criticize or judge you in any way.
I believe everything we are is a genetic mix and we get to choose what to do with that. I noticed that fact after having kids of my own. They are older now, but so much like their parents, but not exactly like either one of us. I see things I hate about myself in my son. I see my husband's 'weird' in my daughter. I also see our strengths in them, which are many good things.
Finally, I understood my parents a lot better after seeing my kids be like us, but do make their own choices and live in a different world than I grew up in.
Obviously, you understand something about yourself that took me years to get. You should be afraid of it or would make poor choices. You shouldn't be so afraid to make no choice at all.
I think that you are enough like your mother and know it, but not exactly like her. You are probably a very understanding and compassionate person, but don't want this to be taken advantage of.
You are afraid and anyone can understand that. I have asked my kids how many people they know that live with their real parents, not a single parent household or live in situation, or step parent. They really have to think about this. It really is fact that so many relationships don't work out and if that doesn't scare you, it should.
You appear adult enough to know how dysfunctional and bad a relationship can be. You lived it. I want you to understand that parents came from a differing culture than you did. It may not be in your mother's belief system, for religious reasons maybe or her own personal belief, that you walk from a marriage that is bad.
I think you know the difference. You seem to find similarities with your mother and yourself, which horrify you. I believe you have her understanding and compassion, but don't want to be used and abused for this trait.
My advice, after understanding what the real problem is, trust yourself, not your fear. I'm not saying any relationship will work out, but I do feel you know when it's time to leave it.
Yeah, it hurts bad. In time, you will have good memories with the bad. Often, there are too many good memories, which are the ones that really hurt and confuse.
To put it my way, I love dogs. I can't imagine life without one. I know that I'm going to outlive my loved dog. I know the pain I will feel when my beloved dog dies. I also know the pleasure in life that dog gave me. I choose to get another dog and take the pain when they were never intended by nature to live as long as I can.
I know my adored dog is going to die before me. I cannot know that a relationship with a decent man isn't going to work. Don't let that fear of pain rule you or you will never know what happiness is possible in your life.
Take small steps. Use your good judgment, which obviously you have. You don't have to end a relationship with a guy that seems decent and treats you well. You definitely should tell him to slow down because you want the time to enjoy each other's company and see where it goes.
10-25-06, 02:03 PM Lora316K Wildflower, I have been thinking a lot about what you have said. I do need a lot of help. I feel so confused and angry. Sometimes I want to cry, but no tears come. I don't know where this anger is coming from. I have been thinking about anger management, but not sure if it works. Thank you for advice.
10-26-06, 09:26 AM VelvetVoice Lora316k - By the sound of things, you can't be that old. So the men you choose can't be that old either. Most men have a fear of commitment, that's the way they are built.
In my opinion, you should avoid relationships altogether until you are out of school. Concentrate your energies on your studies, and invest in yourself. When you value yourself, others can feel it and see it in you, and that is very attractive.
Also, your priorities change when you get older. You no longer pick men with looks or their ability to provide or their popularity. You will be naturally attracted to men who have common interests, and they will have a natural attraction for you for other than looks or sex. Brain power is a complete turn-on for me.
10-26-06, 07:17 PM Lora316K How old do you think I am? I am just curios. I do not choose men based on looks, I have dated men who where not very good looking, and I don't care about popularity. I am not sure what you mean by "ability to provide."
10-26-06, 09:45 PM Wildflower63 Lora, I'm going to talk about the real problem. I'm ok if you go off on me. I'm listening to you. Here are a few of my 'guesses':
I guess that you have friends, but keep them at arms length and never let anyone close to you. I'm guessing from the outside, everyone thinks you totally have it together, which is the act you put on, keeping people at bay. I'm guessing that you aren't going to trust again only to be betrayed and hurt.
Boyfriends are much more demanding of intimate conversations than your friends are, which makes men a problem. I have serious doubts you have poor judgment with men and only date decent guys, then dump them.
There was no singular thing that caused a problem for you, it was a series of many things. You were hurt deeply and now want to know why you feel the anger. Anger feels better than pain.
Anger, that's a topic I know too well. I know what it is to resent parents. I also know what it is to be a parent and have this mutual 'hate' thing going with my son. I understand the confusion that goes with it.
First, I resented my mother, as she dislike me. I was treated vs. my brother who looks like her and acts like her. It goes deeper than that, but the entire topic of growing up with her, as my mother.
Now, I get to deal with the same problem out of my son, but he really is a problem. You didn't pay his lawyer, I did! I feel no guilt, as my mother does. I am the only parent he had. That brat isn't going to manipulate me further and I didn't raise a monster, as my son chose to be. Of course, he sees it differently, which is why he hates me.
That's how family works. Family members are put on this pedestal of being better than human. They don't come close to living up to it, to be hated and resented. Your dad was probably too drunk to know what he said or did, yet your mother allowed this to occur. You are the kid, with no control.
What is it that you think and feel about this? You don't want to think of it as anything to do with you at all. You want to deny you are anything like your parents at all, but you are and know it.
I do think you are almost there, but, like me, you just can't go there yet. You really are going to face facts that you hate. After that, comes understanding and forgiveness. Anger just feels better than pain. That's why you want to cry your eyes out, but no tears, anger takes over the pain. You have no anger management issues at all. I know what it is to feel the pain, as a daughter and a mother. Anger feels so much better than how your own family hurt you.
It really is that bad between you and your family. Your parents really don't know how serious the problem is, until you tell them. You just may understand their explanation, as an adult. You don't know the words to say to them, how much they hurt you. Once you find those words, don't be afraid to say them.
It's not like this problem hasn't existed for years. You will find yourself not exactly on speaking terms also. You might even be scheduling yourself to work on Christmas day, just to avoid family, as I just did to avoid my son. I can get away with this because I am a nurse, so I use it as an escape.
It took me years to figure it out what to do with my mother. It will take a lot of time and pain to deal with my own son. I love him so much, but I doubt he knows it. Why? That's his immaturity and ignorance, as I see it. Keep in mind, you parents think there is no problem at all!
We all want to think of our parents as people that have our best interest at heart, will always do the right thing towards us, and they are above expectation of any breathing human alive. Then you get older and wiser. Parents are human too and they let you down, in grand form.
If you can't trust family not to hurt and take advantage of you, who can you trust? That really does leave us with no one at all. You keep wondering what it really is someone wants if they are a bit too nice.
You will know when the time is right and what you are angry about. Believe me, you are not a person with anger issues at all. You are angry because people you trusted hurt you deeply and that doesn't go away too soon.
I believe that your problems with trust begin with your own family. You couldn't trust those who were supposed to love and protect you, no matter what, so why trust a friend, even worse, a man? You can't go there yet. Your anger is towards your own parents and I know how that feels. Get as far away from them as you can or do the better thing, but hard, deal with them.
Honesty is hard, but it really works. You just need time to think about it all. I know, everyone has their opinion and so do I. Do what you think is right for you.
10-26-06, 10:16 PM Lora316K I have no problem with my mother, at least not anymore I can talk with her about anythink. I do not blame her for what happened she was too young. My father is dead, so there is no way to resolve the issue with him. There are only two people that I truly angree with, bouth of my grandmothers, but their not the type of people to talk to. They will deny everything I will tell them. I will have to deal with it without their help.
10-27-06, 08:40 AM VelvetVoice Lora: Let me tell you what I think the facts are, and then tell me how close I am. I'm guessing you're about 27. Maybe younger. You didn't go right to college after high school, but now are looking for the meaning of life, something fun to do, and to find a man or at least a decent friend to hang out with. You live in a pretty small town, and have to look outside of your area to find something to aspire to, and this is enhanced by the fact that your immediate family has a very low standard or set of values. You realize you can be so much more, but don't know how to get there. Is any of this correct?
10-27-06, 01:20 PM Lora316K You where not very far of about my age. I live in a suburbs, not a lot of fan here. May be my family does have a low standards, hard to tell as we are from different culture with different standards and values. You are right I do think that I can I can be much more then I am right now, but don't know how to get where I want to be or where to start. It seems that there is one problem after another. Don't want to bore you with details.
10-27-06, 10:18 PM Wildflower63 Don't back out now, Lora. You have anger issues and you stated it. Is it more than you feel like dealing with? Do you like spending your life alone, trusting no one?
Your choice and quit backing out!!
10-27-06, 10:36 PM Lora316K I am not backing down. I don't want to be alone this is why I am looking for help. I am just saying that I have no problems with my mother. We have a great relationship and can work through issues together. We still disagree on many things, but that is normal. I can still can talk to her about anything.
10-27-06, 11:32 PM Wildflower63 Nice back out Lora! You are the one with relationship issues, not me! Good luck to you and every decent guy you dump. You have no problem at all, do you?
Well, that's not exactly what you had to say before, is it? Face up to your own issues. I really don't think any of us members are mistaken by you saying 'family' and you have 'anger issues'.
This message has been edited. Last edited by: Karrow, 10-28-06 04:47 AM
10-28-06, 12:07 AM Lora316K I am not backing out of anything. You don't know my life the way I do. I have let go of some resentments I had, but not all of them. I don't see what is wrong with me and my mother having a good relationship. I never said that she was the problem at leasts I have not meant to say that. I don't know why you think that I am that introverted. I can talk to people, I just don't let them close to be come my frinds. I have a lot of problems with my grandmother and I don't know how long I will be able to pretend that I don't. She doesn't think she wronged me. I am not sure why you think that I view my mother as an enemy. Just because you and you son are at odds it does not mean every parent/child is. When it comes to commitment it is only to man. I don't know you think that I dated disant guys. You must think that I am a real bitch or parannoyed or bouth. There is even better idea I think you are taking your complexes out on me. I would like to ask you something. My last boyfriend had told me that, it was the reason I had left him so many time. "I don't want to be with you unless you are always in a good mood." This is what he told me. Yes, that was dissent and I was such a bitch for leaving him breaking his poor heart. What about all the men who didn't call me after first date? Did I somehow leave them? Broke theri hearts? I said that it never went beyond first date, but I was not the one to leave they never called. I just thought it was my fault they didn't call me back. That subconsciously I had pushed them away, that I had said something wrong. I am not denying that I have a problem. I don't know why you think I do. No one else seems to think that way if they do I want them to tell me so.
10-28-06, 12:17 AM Lora316K I just wanted to add something. I am working on this problem for a long time. Don't you think that some of it should get better? I have not wrote about it before because thout I could deal with it on my own. I came hear to get some advice, to see how other people had coped with the problem I have. I see I will not be getting any suport in this forum. I can see how fullish it was to write it here. The reson I don't hate my mother, because it took me years of work to get over it. It didn't hapen today. Sometimes I still want to hit her. I have taked to her a lot about what her life was like. I can now understand where she is coming from, but it didn't hapen today.
quote: Originally posted by Wildflower63: Nice back out Lora! You are the one with relationship issues, not me! Good luck to you and every decent guy you dump. You have no problem at all, do you?
Well, that's not exactly what you had to say before, is it? Face up to your own issues. I really don't think any of us members are mistaken by you saying 'family' and you have 'anger issues'. If you still think I am backing out of something, you shoud as well tell me why. It might be just a misunderstanding.
This message has been edited. Last edited by: Karrow, 10-28-06 04:48 AM
10-28-06, 04:57 AM Karrow Wildflower, I have edited some uncalled-for remarks from your post. I would have edited it further but Lora316K has replied to some of your remarks. Sometimes there is a very fine line between being realistic and insulting people!
Lora316K, Wildflower thinks the "being cruel to be kind" approach can make people stop and think about their problems. It can, but unfortunately she goes too far at times and forgets that you still have to be tactful when doing this!
10-28-06, 03:31 PM Lora316K Karrow, Wildflower is not the only guilty party here. I should not be so bad tempered. I should have cooled down before posting. After all no one has a power to hurt me, unless I give them the power.
10-28-06, 11:29 PM Wildflower63 I have a lousy habit of posting before thinking. Hey Lora, we both have anger management issues! lol!
Don't take this the wrong way, Lora. It's like pulling teeth getting anything out of you. There is a line that no one can cross. I do think you should resolve this. Personal counceling may be something you feel comfortable with. Word of warning, you aren't going to like their questions any better than mine!
10-28-06, 11:37 PM Lora316K I am alredy in going to psychologist (got it wrong again, I cant belive that I can't tell the difference between the two words (so lame of excuse,)) I was just wandering if there is something alse I can do.
This message has been edited. Last edited by: Lora316K, 10-29-06 01:36 AM
10-29-06, 12:55 AM Wildflower63 Psychiatrist are legal drug dealers! Do counseling first or is it too late. What did he script that you are addicted to?
I went to a psychiatrist also. I'm a legal drug addict today. What drugs has he scripted you?
10-29-06, 01:33 AM Lora316K Fear of comitment Sorry, I alweys get those two confused (I confuse that I don't use often, because English is a second language.) You will not belive me and I don't really care if you do or don't. Don't take any of that stuff. I did but it made me so sick I almost killed myself, so I stopped taking it. What I was trying to say is that I am in counseling already (I know there is suposed to be spasific name for the person who gives counseling, but I could never remember wht it is.) It seems to be going well.
10-29-06, 01:35 AM DorianGreyed Seeing a psychiatrist has allowed me to get a normal night's sleep, something I was not able to do on a regular basis for over 30 years. I am no longer going through the day exhausted or spending all day and night trying get 7 or 8 hours sleep. More than that, the prescription I get from him has lessened the depths of my depression a great deal, but allows me to still have relatively normal feelings. I am not a zombie nor do I spend each day as if I were speeding my brains out. I wish I would have found him years ago; my life would have been better, and I would have caused my loved ones far less pain.
I suppose that all professions and jobs have a certain percentage of people who are not very good at their jobs, but I can think of few that require more training to even begin than psychiatry.
This message has been edited. Last edited by: DorianGreyed, 10-29-06 02:29 AM
10-29-06, 01:49 AM Lora316K You are very lucky then. I was not so. My body does not deal well with medication, I am too sensitive to chemicals. As I said because English is not my first language I sometimes use wrong words.This was one of thouse times. Psychiatrist was not the word I was intending to use.
10-29-06, 01:57 AM Wildflower63 When you are exhaused enough, you will sleep. The law of nature!
What is your script?
10-29-06, 01:55 AM DorianGreyed "When you are exhaused enough, you will sleep."
Sorry, it's just not that simple. Millions of people have insomnia.
From Wikipedia -
According to the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, approximately 60 million Americans suffer from insomnia each year. [5]. Insomnia tends to increase with age and affects about 40 percent of women and 30 percent of men [6]. The average American get 7 hours of sleep, instead of the 8 to 10 hours recommended by doctors.
--- Poor sleep quality can occur as a result of sleep apnea or major depression. Poor sleep quality is caused by the individual not reaching stage 4 or delta sleep which is very restorative.
* Sleep apnea is a condition that occurs when a sleeping person's breathing is interrupted, thus interrupting the normal sleep cycle. With the obstructive form of the condition, some part of the sleeper's respiratory tract loses muscle tone and partially collapses. People with obstructive sleep apnea often do not remember any of this, but they complain of excessive sleepiness during the day. Central sleep apnea interrupts the normal breathing stimulus of the central nervous system, and the individual must actually wake up to resume breathing. This form of apnea is often related to a cerebral vascular condition, congestive heart failure, and premature aging.
Major depression leads to alterations in the function of the hypothalamus and pituitary causing excessive release of cortisol which can lead to poor sleep quality. -------- There are many different sleep (or non-sleep) patterns associated with insomnia. Most nights I would sleep an hour, then wake up and be awake for two or three hours. Do the math to figure how how long it takes to get 8 hours sleep with that pattern. When it takes a 24 hour day to get 6-8 hours sleep, you really don't have much of a life, and if you try to have a life, you walk around exhausted. Having sleep apnea along with major depressive disorder and congestive heart failure, I really had no chance of getting a good night's sleep unless I took meds. Now, I am able to go back to sleep almost immediately if I wake up, and I don't walk around in a semi-comatose state.
Lora, it isn't easy finding the right meds for someone. Many times, different meds have to be tried to find the right one that works for an individual. It can take time. Some of the meds I first tried stopped my depression, and allowed me to sleep, but took away any emotion and desire to do anything. That was worse than how I felt before; at least then, I had feelings and wanted to do things. It was difficult to quit, but I did.
If your counseling sessions are working, that is great. Please stick with them. If it turns out that you needs meds, discuss your past experience with your doctor. As I said before, there are many diffeent kinds, and what works for one person may not work for another or even make things worse for another. The only way to know is to try them. ---- Possibly you meant to use the word "therapist".
10-29-06, 10:44 AM Sherasi
quote: Originally posted by Wildflower63: Psychiatrist are legal drug dealers!
WF,
This is going a bit too far.
I have gone to get Psychiatric help before and did NOT get prescribed drugs.
Also, you KNOW that many times meds are used to STABILIZE a person emotionally so they can then deal with the issues that are CAUSING the lack of emotional control.
How can a person be object and alter behavior and response patterns if their emotional status is so out of control they can't even recognize problems?
You ask her to seek help, then when she says she did you harrange the poor girl for doing so saying that all the doc is is a legal dope pusher?
How about a little balance in your OWN thinking? You are a trained nurse. Learn a few THERAPEUTIC LISTENING SKILLS! There ARE a few times tact and a brake on that tongue of yours is required.
10-29-06, 11:09 AM Lora316K Dorian: I can't take any medication that has to be taken over a long period of time. My immune system starts to attack the medication or something like this. My doctor told me this when complaining how fast the med had stoped working or became danger to health. I had tried so many different once that decided that it was time for alternative. I feel better than ever now. I still have emotional issues, but I can deal with them without being medicated.
10-29-06, 11:16 AM DorianGreyed "I feel better than ever now."
This is, of course, the most important thing. I wish you continued improvement in dealing with your problems.
10-29-06, 11:24 AM Lora316K Thank you very much.
10-29-06, 12:47 PM Lora316K I think I know how to move on from feeling betrayed. If I can look at it as learning experience, something that can help me move forward and be a better person. It sounds difficult, but I can manage it.
10-30-06, 02:06 AM Wildflower63
quote: Originally posted by Sherasi: How about a little balance in your OWN thinking? You are a trained nurse. Learn a few THERAPEUTIC LISTENING SKILLS! There ARE a few times tact and a brake on that tongue of yours is required.
Oh Sher! Give me a break. For the second night in a row, a 102 year old lady has suddenly turned karate pro over a dressing change! My therapeutic listening skills work well when I get paid for it, otherwise I get overly opinionated. Sometimes I just come home tired and grumpy. It's a tough job and I'm stressed out.
I am saying psychiatrist are legal drug dealers. I want people to realize that drugs they script really can be an addiction problem. I had no clue! I'm 'addicted' to cigarettes. That means to me 'I want' that wont get out of my head, not symptoms so severe that dying and going to hell couldn't be worse.
My doc is a sweetie. He would never intentionally harm me. He is a health freak that only knows drugs from the Ivory Tower point of view. He doesn't take them. One good way of keeping an easy customer, scrip addictive drugs long tem. Some things really are all about money, like your job.
I really don't like what I see psychiatrist doing to our old people. Restraint use is a problem, so ship them off to behavioral units. They are so drugged up, they can't even think to get up or be a fall risk or how to spit out a sentence because they can't think at all. They are drugged to the hilt.
The latest, there is this old lady and she's mean. She doesn't hit people, but she is extremely insulting. More to the point, she is crazy and will argue with a fence post.
Once again, she started angering the nursing assistants saying, "You work for me!" and on. We are talking about a woman that used to run around in her wheelchair, go to the bathroom without use of a diaper. She has a history of mental illness and now a bit senile.
I have furious nursing assistants arguing with her, as I have seen nurses do. They are insisting I write a behavior notation in the chart on her. No, if they don't shut up and quit arguing with her, I write a behavior on them, including nurses! Sher, I think you can agree with me about ignoring her insults. That's her way of getting attention.
What happened is, some nurse actually had her sent to behavior unit. She came back so brain dead, I thought she had a lobotomy. She doesn't make it to the bathroom anymore. She hardly gets out of bed. She isn't sedated, more like vacant, unable to think at all. It makes me sad looking at her now. This isn't right! Medically speaking, it is reasonable.
DG, I completely understand insomnia. I have the same problem. It's horrible. You never feel ok, alert without mass coffee, but that's not good either. It really is true, when exhausted enough, you will sleep. That's ok if you don't have a job or responsibilities. That's not us! I have two sleeper scripts and a script for anything that makes me happy. Usually, I just lie and say I'm taking drugs that I'm not or my doc wants me on something else to 'help' me. He does mean well.
I want to put out a word of warning about psychiatric care. It's no science. You may go through many counselors or MDs before you find what's right for you and don't take the first opinion.
DG found something that works for him and his life is better for it. I found myself a drug addict. I see my old people so drugged they can't even think at all and this is definitely not part of the aging process.
We all have reason to fear psychiatry. It's at an infancy stage where treatment comes and goes with the same style as my daughter's clothes! Shop around and find what's right for you. 10-30-06, 03:10 AM DorianGreyed "It really is true, when exhausted enough, you will sleep."
This statement shows you really don't "completely understand insomnia." One of the many errors you have made in threads is your apparent belief that drinking coffee will make an insomniac alert.
10-30-06, 11:56 AM Lora316K DJ: Coffe does help some people, but after prolonged use coffe stopes working. Coffe never helped me, but some peole say it helps.
10-30-06, 09:14 PM Wildflower63 DG, you misunderstood me. What I said is for us people that go around exhausted and can't sleep, we drink coffee to be reasonably alert, but it doesn't work all too well.
Do you know how many times I have downed coffee, just to keep moving? It works for that, only. It even makes insomnia more of a problem, but I have to work and pay bills. I have to be reasonably alert to do that. Coffee is what keeps me going, too many times.
10-30-06, 11:53 PM bedstor
quote: Originally posted by Lora316K: Can anyone pleas tell me about Maslow's Hierarch or good book/website where I can find info? I read about it when went for medical assistent, but now I would like to know more.
Not my subject but I'm good on searchengines like most of the original members. Ps Should have posted that as a separate topic
10-31-06, 12:32 AM Lora316K Thank you for the link.
10-31-06, 02:41 PM aminator2002 Caffeine is simply a stimulant. It reacts in different people different ways. When I have too much coffee I feel depressed and anxious. I'm sure other people find it to do wonders for them. For others it is not even part of the sleep deprivation equation.
This thread has become a big mess since the last time I was online. I have read some of the discussion but I think it's most important to get the message across to Lora that friendship is the first thing to focus on developing. You may feel you want a man or feel you "need" a man, but if you doubt your ability to commit than you should first focus your effort on finding people that you simply want to be friends with. It's so much easier to find friends and get close without all the fear and difficulty being in the dating game.
I think your responses to some of the more ridiculous posts in this thread show that you are a clear thinking, well reasoned and good person that should be able to make friends. I know A LOT of people that have a hard time finding the perfect romantic companion, and it's not without ups and downs for everyone... having friends to talk to in down times really helps make it bearable. AND if you have friends that are also trying to find a companion then you surely wouldn't feel so odd or self doubting when you break up a relationship or have something simply not work out. It's not easy and you definitely shouldn't just tough it out with someone because you feel you are defective or something. It isn't easy. You may be using good sense when you push away but friendships can easily last a lifetime.
10-31-06, 10:23 PM Lora316K I will just try to concentrate on friendship write now and see what hapens.
This message has been edited. Last edited by: DorianGreyed,
