I have just recently started to write down some of my memories, mainly the ones that are about my "father" doing sexual acts towards me. Doing so is bringing on so many memories that I had thought were gone forever. Some might think that this would be a good thing, but I am hating it! I wish that these memories would remain forgotten, and I have no way of forgetting them now. Different things are bringing them back, and it seems like they are coming faster than ever. Even if I am thinking about something that has no relation to those memories, my mind seems to wander off back to them! It's driving me, literaly, crazy! I am getting more and more depressed, self consious, and suicidal. And it doesn't help that so many things are happing around me to loved ones! All I want to do is start smoking again, drink, and take more and more percocet and flexerol....It seems that they are the only things that will make me not think... I know that I am not addictive to these things, and am not dependant on them. I only take the pills when I needed them for pain (back), but when I do......I don't drink, well because there is none in the house, and I am not of legal age to go buy any, and my husband won't buy it for me. I don't want to go out anymore, nor do I want to go look for a job. I am not normally one to want to sit at home all the time, and am known by my family as a work-a-holic. I don't know why I have just told you all of that, I guess I just wanted to tell someone. I don't want to tell my husband this, because he worries about me enough. (I tend to black out and act out memories of my past or say and do things, none of which I remember afterwards, and they usually happen when we getin an argument). I also find myself acting in ways that are not of my mormal character, such as I will regress, and be back to when I was 3 years of age. I know that I am doing so. I want to stop, but I don't know how. And I also talk to myself (in my head though) like arugumenatively. All this worries him enough.. That's why I am coming here... My question that I wanted to ask is , does anyone know of a way to forget memories for good, with out having to deal with them.. I know that that might be an impossible task, but I just had to ask.

Aw grumpybear, I am so sorry you went through/are going through this.

The best advice I can give is to seek counseling. You probably should talk about these things with a professional. I don't think you can block these feelings/memories without causing more harm.

email me if you need to talk

Oh my grumpybear. You are going through some tramatic stuff here. I do have some websites that can help you, but you need to physically go and get some counceling. You can't self medicate, or you WILL become addicted to those and many other drugs.

Here's some tips on coping with flashbacks.

Tell yourself you are having a flashback and that this is okay and very normal in people who were traumatised as children (or as adults.)

Remind yourself that the worst is over - it happened in the past, but is not happening now. The "child" inside you who was abused is giving you these memories to use in your healing and, however terrible you feel, you survived the awfulness then, which means you can survive and get through what you are remembering now.

Call on the "adult" part of yourself to tell your "child" that she is not alone, not in any danger now, and that you will help her get through this. Let your child self know it's okay to remember and to feel what she feels and that this will help her in healing from what had happened to her. However hard it is for you, she is communicating in the only way she can.

Try some of these ways of "grounding" yourself and becoming more aware of the present:
- stamp your feet, grind them around on the floor to remind yourself where you are now.
- look around the room, noticing the colours, the people, the shapes of things.
- listen to the sounds around you: the traffic, voices, the washing machine etc.
- feel your body, the boundary of your skin, your clothes, the chair or floor supporting you.
- have an elastic band to hand (or on your wrist) - you can "ping" it against your wrist and feel it on your skin - that feeling is in the now, the things you are re-experiencing were in the past.

Take care of your breathing: breathe deeply down to your diaphragm; put your hand there (just above your navel) and breathe so that your hand gets pushed up and down. You can also count - to 5 - as you breathe out and in. When we get scared we breathe too quickly and shallowly and our body begins to panic because we're not getting enough oxygen. This causes dizziness, shakiness and more panic. Breathing slowly and deeply will stop the panic.

If you have lost a sense of where you end and the rest of the world begins, rub your body so you can feel its edges, the boundary of you. Wrap yourself in a blanket, feel it around you.

Get support if you would like it. Let people close to you know about flashbacks so they can help you if you want them to. That might mean holding you, talking to you, helping you to reconnect with the present, to remember you are safe and cared for now.

Flashbacks are powerful experiences which drain your energy. Take time to look after yourself when you have had a flashback. You could have a warm, relaxing bath or a sleep, a warm drink, play some soothing music, or just take some quiet time for yourself. Your "child" and you deserve being taken care of, given all you went through in the past.

When you feel ready, write down all you can remember about the flashback and how you got through it. This will help you to remember information for your healing and to remind you that you did get through it (and can again).

Remember you are not crazy - flashbacks are normal and you are healing.


http://www.healthyplace.com/communities/abuse/
safeline/flashbacks.htm

http://www.healthyplace.com/Communities/Abuse/Site/
transcripts/sexual_abuse_memories.htm

And this is an excellent artical.
http://www.aaets.org/arts/art31.htm

I hope this helps you honey.

Edited to correct page distortion caused by lengthy continuous text.

[This message was edited by Karrow on 12-14-03 at 05:56 PM.]

It's funny, I did my senior term paper about sexual abuse, and the teacher did nuthing, though she knew that I was the reason that I wanted to do the paper in the first place. The reason I brought that up was because the 3rd link that PB gave sounds a lot like my term paper..Heh...

Thank you for your comments Puppy and Shelster.. I really do appreciate it.. [On the 3rd link(the article) it list some symptoms that an adult might have that was sexual abused..I have always wondered why I did those things, Thank you Puppy]

I am afraid of going to see a professional. I don't know why either. I know I need help, but I don't want to get it for some reason....Strange huh? I guess that's why I came here. To get help and support from people that I know, yet I don't know them and they don't know me, if that makes sense. I wish they had an inexpensive online shrink...heh..

My husband did read my post..He said that he was here for me for whatever. And if I wanted to get help, he would do whatever to see that I can get it.. I guess that's all that I can ask for.. His support is all I need I guess..

Never the less, thank you Shelster and Puppy! I truly appriciate your love, concern, and support. It means tons..

grumpybear, I'm sooo glad that you let your husband read your post - AND I'm very glad that he is here for you!!!!

Anytime, grumpybear. I'm glad they helped. I'm also glad you let your hubby read them. It's always helpful to have family by your side.

Could part of the reason that you don't want to seek professional help is because you don't feel like you deserve it? It's common for people with your history to feel like they don't deserve anything...therefore they go a lifetime without any sort of help.

Bite the bullet, see someone and just see how it feels. You never know, a month or two from now you could be well on your way to recovery.

((((((((((grumpybear))))))))))

That could very much be it Puppy... I never think that I am worthy of anything..It drives my husband crazy....I think if things get worse, I will go to see a professional...Thank you again!