I have been trying many things
to deal with those down days, those
days that my mind just refuses to
see good in anything, but lately
every effort seems in vain. I
cannot find the energy to fight that
darkness and wonder if it is worth
the effort. What do you do when you
find yourself just "out of it" and
at a total emotional low ?

I spent many months and years in serious depression where I felt death was almost the only alternative to the despair I felt.

I got counceling and was put on medication to help me manage these feelings. I am still on them but the counceling did help me quite a bit. I am likely to remain on the meds until Sagus is done with college and we have some stability in our life.

Spit in addition to what Sherasi just said i know ive found a few things that help me is talking to all of you. Making friends and posting and doing just what you are right now. Ive sure done alot of this in the past year.

Just remember you have lots of friends here and we all enjoy hearing from you.

Dog, it's definitely worth the effort to fight. I'm really sorry that you are feeling down, and mere words might not make you feel much better, but please try to find some comfort in what we say to you here. We are your friends and sometimes just communicating can open doors.

I sure hope that you are feeling better today. Sometimes life seems more meaningless in the darkness of the night, but you will feel uplifted at the sight of the sun.

Dog, the reason I am up now writing is because when I went to bed the feelings I'd been fighting and denying lately just overwhelmed me and I had to get back UP out of bed in an attempt to shake off the sudden and terrible dispair.

I'm in one of those moments too, at this time that I feel like I am in a place where real joy may never touch. However I feel emotionally right now I know mentally that this is a lie of depression. I've been through darkness before and I got through and found happiness, however brief. You will too, eventually.

Is it worth it? I think so. I think that the people who suffer the most have the most to offer others. Empathy, compassion, understanding...these things are most sincere from those who know the blackest depths of sorrow. Pain makes great listeners and loyal friends. I don't know if that makes sense to you, but I hope it does...

Anyway, what I do in my worst moments is write a really really ***** depressing poem. It's my release.


For example...

Something I Deny
Katanya TruthSeeker 3-26-03

the shock of pain is like a thrill-drug
the rush of wetness
so high

tonight I feel dangerously
tonight I love oblivion
tonight, tomorrow seems
sad and distant
and I've got the key to escape

I want to wake
to embrace nothingness
the cold darkness
silent over my head

the shock of pain is like a thrill-drug
and no one knows where I am

a moment of quiet
a moment of bated breath
a crimson splash
on a tile canvas...
the artists will rave like mad

this tiny pain is like a thrill-drug
and no one knows
just how lost I am



anyway, no one likes these poems but me...but I keep writing them. Afterwards I feel purged...sometimes I even feel better.

My advice for anyone who is really down is to find a way to express it somehow creativly. It can help.



[This message was edited by Sherasi on 09-08-03 at 07:33 AM.]

Thanks everyone for the answers.
Katanya, I also used to write some
really dark poetry when I was
depressed, lately even that seems
to be impossible.

Dog

I also dealt with serious depression and was suicidal for a long time. The best way to deal with it is like Sherasi said--get help. When you are in the depression it's really hard to see a way out by yourself. Eventually most people stop trying. Please don't let that happen to you.

You may be feeling like an inconsequential dot on a thick black line. When getting our positive motor running is difficult, we need to look for one good thing which will happen over a period of, say, 20 days. Usually, something good happens, however minor. Then, look for one good thing which will happen over a different period of time, say, 34 days. Again, something good happens. Eventually, we find that we have become too busy as a result of the good and the bad happening to have time to dwell on the bad. In any case, sometimes we have to remember to think practically instead of emotionally. Why be our own worst enemy when in time someone will come along to effect a big kick in the arse? Be ready, and reduce the other person's satisfaction--a real self-emotion booster!

It's common knowledge that I am not a proponent of taking medications for depression. But I have my own unique formula for dredging myself out of the doldrums. I merely take a walk down memory lane when times were happy. This might involve going through a photo-album, listening to music from a happy era, or watching a favorite movie.

Just this weekend I watched Rex Smith (remember that 70s heart throb ladies?) in "Sooner or Later" and enjoyed the rush of endorphins at seeing someone I had such a crush on when I was 14. Then I watched the musical Chicago about 4 times and somewhere in the middle of all the viewing decided to play dressup and sing and dance along with the movie. Silly? Absolutely! But it works for me and in no time I am feeling foot loose and fancy free again!

Dog... I don't think I even need to say it...

I do yoga.

You know I'm a big believer in the connection between body and mind. It has worked wonders for me to get myself in shape and I haven't been shy about urging people to do the same. I hope you can pull yourself out of the dumps my friend... you got a lot of people thinking of you.

Now I gotta go look at your picture some more... see yah later Go for a walk...

Dawg - I'm sorry you feel so bad now.

Wow! You'd think these people really knew what they were talking about, huh?
They all make a lot of sense! (Esp Kat - and I hope she's feeling better now too!)

Dawg, do this:
GET HELP!!!
I know you don't like doctors or meds, but both can help you!! Esp with a chemical imbalance!
You don't have to take meds forever if you don't want to, but try them for a while and see if you can feel the difference. Give yourself that chance!
Hey - that's what you'd tell one of us, right?

SO DO IT!!!!!
We need our Dogspit!

Dear, sweet Dawg, i'm sorry to hear you're feeling down, too.

I agree that counseling, and sometimes meds, can really help. One thing i do when my spirit is very low, is ask someone to be with me, in real life. Someone who will listen, who accepts feelings and who will let me be me. Sometimes, my tears and anger get stuck and i don't realize it. And all it takes is another human being who genuinely cares to help me get it out.

Just don't isolate, ok, Dawg? Please take gentle care of you.

Here's a (((((warm hug))))) if you want one.

Oh, can I identify! I know all the right anwers. You are supposed to go out and do things whether you want to or not. You aren't supposed to seclude yourself from others. Yeah, yeah....The more people I meet, I'm glad that I have pets.

But, it does help to force yourself out, just for a little while. Then you see why your cat is such a big deal.

How is that for depressing!

Most of the time Wildflower i can relate to that too.

I grab a bag O' cheesy puffs. lay down on the couch and watch TV while stuffing my face and staining my fingers orange.

OR I take a shower (I have a personal rule, I only cry in the shower; 1. no one sees the tears for al that water, 2, the sound of running water covers the sobs of despair).

OR I slip in a CD of hard jamming music and crank the volume and let the music sweep over me (My neighbors hate that, but then who cares? )

OR I pull out my bible and do some light reading...

OR I go back to bed and pull the overs over my head and close my eyes and think nice thoughts.

OR I jump into the truck and take a long drive.

OR I play Sim City 4

OR I visit funny sites

OR.....

I do not should myself. I do not say "I should not feel this way"

I Do not say "I should do something" We should never really should ourselves and when we are in our fragile moments shoulding is forbidden.

I have Seasonal Affective Disorder. Each Autumn the shorter days and longer nights I greet with foreboding. The last 'happy holiday' is Halloween. After that day it gets pretty depressing.

I have tried a long list of medications, none have helped. The Doctors tell me to stay outside more in winter and fall and to light up the house brightly. It helps a bit, but I still get my deep weeks of melancholia - not to be confused with mere depression. Melancholia is deeper and long lasting, persistent. Lack of interest in everything, almost a refusal to live.

On those days I force myself up, I force myself to eat and I chant to myself 'It will pass, it will pass'

There is a difference between shoulding ourself and forcing ourself. The Should-er will sit there and do nothing berating themselves for not doing, the forcer will do it, even though they do not want to.

I 'force' myself to do the common daily activities, shower, shave, eat, check the mail, read the news paper, drink my habitual 3 cups of coffee in the morning, let the dog out, feed the animals, on and on and on.

Though I force myself to maintain my schedule of events, I am the little engine who could on the inside "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can..." Through each day of melancholia.

It is important to maintain ourselves, if you are like me and have a schedule which is set in stone in your daily activities, it is far easier to keep up appearances and to adhere to it.

It is when we start failing to accomplish our schedule of events that we start falling into a downward spiral.

And Example of this, say you do a serious housecleaning once a week (If you have pets you are constantly cleaning all the time - LOL) If you skip one week when you are feeling ok, nothing bad happens, you skip a week when you are depressed and you will beat yourself up and sink lower into depression.

Through the years my spells of melancholia are not as severe, simply because I know now how to make it through them by sticking to the routine and by knowing that summer will return.

Summer does return, for everyone - granted it may not be the same time for you as it is for me, but it will return. you just got to keep plugging away until it does.

Of course if it continues and you feel you need more help, get that help. If you find that you have a need to talk, then find someone to talk to.

David

oops! My saying, "Just don't isolate" was a mistake. We're all intelligent adults and can make our own decisions.

quote:

---

There is a difference between shoulding ourself and forcing ourself. The Should-er will sit there and do nothing berating themselves for not doing, the forcer will do it, even though they do not want to.

---

That is exactly what I am guilty of, beating myself for what I should be doing with my life. I beat myself in areas of failure and can't forgive myself. I'm doing it to myself and know it.

I go circular with fears. My failures don't hit me well at all. I fear more failure. These horrible migane headaches are pretty much an every day thing. I fear losing another job that I know I'm competent of doing because I feel lousy. I'm loaded with disappointment in myself.

Then I find myself completely confused. I don't know what move to make, so I do nothing. Then, I go back to the self beating of being useless.

I'm driving myself insane! Life changes and teens aren't helping me here...

I've been fighting that for years. Medication pulled me out of it. Despite the fact that many people don't "believe in it" it does work once you get the right stuff/combination of stuff. The best med I have found has terrible side effects; I had to lower my dose to the lowest they make. Consequently I still get depressed from time to time but it doesn't last long. Just keep reminding yourself: "This WILL pass," that it's a matter of getting through it. If there is anything left you still take pleasure in, now's the time to do it. I have also found that being around little kids helps keep my spirits up. When you've got a 10-month old who is so bored with toys that she could scream (and does!) it kind of takes your mind off it.

God bless you, 'spit. I'm with you.

Catty

Spit I hope you are feeling a bit better now..was just thinking of you.

Generally speaking, I think antidepressants are very overperscribed. There are times when pharmacological intervention is a grand help to people. I have been a guinea pig on so many of these drugs over out of control stress because of life situations I wasn't adapting to all so well. I couldn't tell you how many horrible drugs I took that made me feel insane.

One that does work for me is Celexa. I'm having big life issues and problems. Unfortunately, these life changes kept up and were and are more than I can psychologically deal with. In all honesty, I'm not sure how much further I can go down. I realize that I do quite a lot of it to myself.

Depression and anxiety are part of the human experience. We can expect that. It comes and goes, usually. When depression and anxiety make you pretty much dysfunctional, medication does help. I don't suggest this as anything permanent.

These drugs make you complacent when a problem in your life needs to be solved. That is what these negative emotions are screaming for, a life change. We don't always know why or what. We don't see ourselves so objectively and very few will give you more than a feel good talk that isn't helping.

People mean well, but that isn't enough. Insight is what we need that we don't see at all. We are too close to things with a zillion emotional ties attached. Figuring out just what is wrong is the hardest part. Making changes for the best make you feel so much better.

As Catty said, they do have awful side effects. Myself, I have a poor tolerance for stress, which always turns into both stress and depression in certain life situations. Otherwise, I get off these drugs. I haven't found the latest in antidepressants all so easy after use of about a year. I drank for about four solid days. I was a mess. But, I got through it on my fourth attempt.

Why did I get off of them? I could see what it was doing to me and my life. The changes are so gradual, you don't even notice until you pull something that just isn't you. I pulled a few things. I was going through a major adjustment in my life that I wasn't taking too well. I kept taking the antidepressants.

They helped me in one sense, it did relieve stress. But, I also got the opposite reaction also, I stopped really caring about much, especially myself. I did exactly as I wanted without much thought. That got me into big trouble, which was additive of my existing problems.

The drug was no cure for my problems. It was to help me through them. It was like someone took Novocain to my emotions. They were dulled. Everything about me was, but I didn't notice it until I did a few outlandish things that were completely unlike me to do. I thought nothing of it at the time.

Later, it scared me. I wanted off those antidepressants. My efforts failed three times. I'm a lousy drinker. I get sick and pay dearly, but that was the only thing that got me through it, staying so drunk that the withdrawal, although horrible, I could at least deal with it. Wouldn't it figure, I went to jail on the fifth day of withdrawl. These drugs can and will make you so complacent, you don't care what you do even if it lands you in jail. Try explaining that to your parents what you did stupid to put you there when they bail you out. Not fun and games anymore, is it.

Due to another awful change in life, that I'm just worn out from taking hits, I'm now on double dose. The absolute last thing I wanted. I clearly know what my problems are and know what I have to do, which scares the hell out of me. I'm sick of these everyday migraine headaches over stress and the concoctions that I mix to tame it. I can't even live. I can be held accountable for nothing these days.

How do I feel about that? Self disgust would describe it. I'm giving every last ounce I have in me to my kids. I can't promise anyone that I will be there or do the slightest thing tomorrow. I have no idea how I'm going to feel. I don't know whether I'm going to sleep tonight. I have no idea if the migraine is going to be bad enough that noise and light will cause a thunderstorm in my head of sheer pain.

I know these are all symptoms. I think that I know the cure, but am unsure to make any serious decision now, so I do nothing. I lost faith in myself. What drug can cure that? None. No drug can cure your life. Symptoms of anxiety and depression are screaming for you to do something, usually of a very unpleasant.

Drugs aren't the answer. You started the post Dawg, lets hear it. How are you, really and honestly?