Is there a way to learn to be more patience, any books or meditation I can do??? My father is so so forgetful it drives me nuts and I need to be more tolerant and calm....He is going next week for Alzheimers testing and hopefully he is JUST forgetful and not sick...any suggestions? Thanks

I'd say don't sweat the small things; most of them you won't even remember a week from now. I used to be impatient about a lot of things. Then I came to the conclusion that all it gave me was a stomach ache. So relax, let it go. If you have a roof over your head, food on the table, and can pay your bills, what else is all that important? Many impatient people are that way because they have no other real worries in life.

I can't answer your question, so I passed it on to my husband, who is Mr. Calm, Cool and Collected. He says he thinks it's congenital. But he did tell me he was pretty stressed out after his divorce, about 35 years ago, and then one day he just decided not to worry any more, and just try to do his best every day. So he didn't, and he did.

Sorry, Kittypal, Alzheimer's is hard to deal with. I wonder if big notes taped here and there would help?
"Don't let the cat out, please."
and beside the door,
"Have you checked that the stove is switched off?"

Sorry if this sounds dumb, but I just don't know. I wouldn't even have posted, except that only JR posted (although his advice is good).

Oh, maybe one thing. Just before you fall asleep at night, try and remember one positive thing that happened with him. And make a plan to do a specific positive thing the following day. Maybe give him a backrub. That will act on the autonomic systems of both of you. When I give hubs footrubs I use lavender oil. It's a good lubricant, so the skin is not bothered by the friction, as well as smelling pleasant. If he doesn't like lavender, baby oil is nice.

Thanks guys, I guess I just really do need to relax and not be bothered by it...I just want to make sure it is easy for him...The note thing is a great idea...The only trouble is even though he DOES leave the water running after getting a drink or washing his hands I know right now a note would just annoy and embarrass him, he has been in denial for the last couple of years even though I have asked time after time to talk to the doctor, finally it's gotten so that he can't remember simple stuff and gave in and told his physician...I just know that is it is Alzheimers it will get much worse and like I said I want to keep him happy, not embarrassed or upset...Thanks again.

One more thing, Kitty, and this is serious. If it is Alzheimer's, recognize when you are no longer able to deal with it. There comes a time with that condition, that one has to give the person over to professionals.

Right. Our friend EWood27's wife died of a very fast-acting form of it. She could not understand what she was doing, and he had to physically restrain her quite often, for example she would try to leave the house in the night, or try to cross the street into traffic.

Finally he had a serious heart attack and was in hospital, and his daughter came to care for her and literally physically could not cope. So they had to put her into a chronic hospital. She died shortly after. Ewood told me when I was in Britain that the guilt was very painful, even though he had done all he could.

I tell you this sad story so that you will know that sometimes the best intentions are not enough.

So if the diagnosis is confirmed, his safety, and the well-being of you and your family come first. It may be he will have to learn to accept that he has a limitation.

You can take care of him. But you can't make the world perfect for him. It isn't. And that's not your fault.

I have always been forgetful. Something I have found that helps when I start getting too forgetful is to say aloud the action I am doing to reinforce the neccssary action to end the task. It works. (And I once misplaced a spoon I was using to taste a few sauces I was making. It seems that I left it in my mouth when I needed to get two pots off of the stove at the same time. It took a minute or two to realize that the reason I couldn't find the spoon was because it was literally under my nose. Who looks there?)

Kitty the most important thing for him is to do what he is going to do and that is to go to the dr. If it indeed is this they have new drugs out to help make life alot better for him and the family. It does help delay the onset of this. I hope all goes well for both of you!

Thanks so much everyone...I know there may come a point where he will need care I can't provide...I will take care of him as long as I am able, the last thing I ever want is to put him in a home...I'm not sure if they will have any diagnosis on Thursday, I'm sure a lot of testing takes place to determine whats wrong, but I'll let you know what they say. Thanks again everyone for your support and kind words.

Kitty...having been involved in this before...I just want to say, BE THERE as much as you can for him. YOU are his life....IF he is suffering from Alheimers.

Patience is earned through practice – sometimes it takes a lot of practice to get patience. My grandma always told me that the more impatient I was the more life would foist upon me to learn patience. She was 110% correct on that.

I do not know if you have the time and energy to “get away” and just do something for yourself – be it take a long walk, go to the local café and have a latte or take time to read a book – however a little “me time” may make things easier for you.

Being focused on a problem does not usually make the problem easier to deal with. If anything it gives you time to build up more resentment, frustration, etc to the problem. I think that you may be singling out this one thing as the cause of all of your frustration – usually there are many other little things unrelated to an issue that are adding to the frustration – humans can only handle so much stress – doesn’t matter if the stress is from one source or if its from a hundred tiny sources. Sometimes we can not see all the stressors in our lives and we pick on the big obvious things that are causing stress thinking that the little things don’t matter and are not causing that much of a problem to actually need to be dealt with.

Say you are currently also dealing with bills, mechanical problems with a car, children, etc – although you may see these as “minor” stress points in your life the combination of all of these can have a huge impact on your total outlook on life.

This site: http://www.coping.org/growth/patient.htm gives some useful tools to learning patience.

If you feel the severity of the problem is beyond your handling a therapist could be of great service. S/he will most likely direct your attention to many more tools like the site above to help you work through the problems of impatience.

If your father is suffering from Alzheimer’s I would strongly urge you to get involved with a therapist. There will be a great deal of emotional issues that you will need to work through. Although you may ultimately be the one to take care of your father, you will also have to take care of yourself a therapist will provide you with an unbiased sounding board who will listen to you – further s/he will provide you with tools to work through any an all issues.

If in doubt as to where to find the right therapist, talk to your doctor, or if your father is ill, talk to his doctor. There is counseling out there for every subject under the sun and there are groups that deal with specifics like dealing with Alzheimer’s in loved ones.

If you can't change something- change the way you look at it. I'm sure it is frustrating and annoying that he keeps forgetting things. This is probably giving you some guilt to feel that way but you do. Its normal to have those feelings. Try looking at him with more sympathy. Its hard to have patience with something so frustrating. Just work on changing how you see it. He probably is a little embarrassed and frustrated that he can't remember things. He knows something isn't right. While watching it is bad, living it is even worse. Buy him a little notebook to write down important events or things he has to do. This may help him to remember if he can write it down before he forgets. You could always get a big calender or dry erase board for the kitchen that both of you could use. If you say that you need help remembering too, then it may not hit his pride as much. Many times people get defensive when they realize they aren't on top of their game as they once were. This causes sadness and anger. He needs you to be understanding.

A therapist or a group of people who will allow you to vent your frustrations would probably help a great deal.

If it turns out that he has Alzheimers then I suggest you make sure that you have scheduled "away" time from him, so that you do not feel trapped by his condition. The hardest part isn't necessarily dealing with the feelings of loss on his behalf, but the feelings of resentment that will creep up on you and probably make you feel badly. We all want to think that we can deal with this type of situation with grace and that we'd never have hostility towards the victim, but when dealing with people that are really close to us... it can bite you in the butt that you get angry and have feelings that you didn't expect or welcome.

Talking to friends who've had to deal with grandparents who had Alzheimers, I think the most disarming thing is that they have heard their parents make cruel comments at times because there is just so much aggravation, frustration and pain involved in caring for someone going through this horrible disease. I think it hurts their parents to be so cold about the situation, but it must be somewhat natural to divorce ourselves from the situation by making light of it.

I hope your dad doesn't have it... I'll be thinking of you.

Thanks everyone....I have never had patience with anything, that has to be my worst personality trait, but I will do better, for his sake....He IS very embarrassed about this, I think that's why he waited so long to go see someone about it...Knowing he can't help it (even if it's NOT Alzheimers) makes me more tolerant, I can't stand to think of him feeling bad about something he can't help...I told him not to worry and that I would take care of him no matter what and that he should never feel bad or uncomfortable around me, I love him no matter what....I know I will need "me" time IF he has it and am lucky to have a good brother...Also since I have no children or anyone else to worry about it makes things easier...In any case I will get by, others have. Thanks again, I'll keep you posted.

Hi, he went to the neurologist today and had a basic physical and they asked him questions like, what day is it, who is the president, how to spell "world" and to count backwards...he passed all of that and the doctor seems to think that he is NOT showing signs of Alzheimers unless it is in the very early stages....my dad has to go get an MRI and an EEG and a doppler to see if he has decreased blood flow to the brain....this will take place in the next month or so...but thank god they don't seem too worried...I'll update again when or if they find anything...Thanks again for advice and most of all for support.

Well that is good news.

Ever think he may be just forgetful cause he's a man? I think its a guy thing. Forgetting to pick up socks, put dishes in the sink, remember special days...

Kitty, I understand exactly how you feel. My dad has Alzheimer's also. You chose one, of two coping ideas, anger. How do you deal with, your loved father, acting like this?

Fortunately, in a few ways, I am a nurse who has dealt with so many Alzheimer's patients. It becomes personal, with your own family.

My mother is insulin depended diabetic. My Alzheimer father actually thinks she fell asleep at the dinner table. It's easy for me to be angry with him. Sometimes I am. Because of my father, my mother will end up dead.

My mother thinks he doesn't care. She isn't exactly conscious when my dad finally gets scared enough to come get me. Fortunately, for them, I have not sold my house, seven houses away. My dad has even left my mother in a parking lot, while shopping. He couldn't figure out what was wrong with her or why she wouldn't get out of their van.

I have tried, so many times, telling my dad, get her sugar! He never remembers. My mom only sees him calm because he thinks I am taking care of the problem. She thinks he doesn't care about her. He does, but calms down when he get me there, to take care of this problem.

Why doesn't my dad get that 'falling asleep at the dinner table' isn't normal? He really thinks that, until my mother is in a coma, gets scared, and gets me.

I wish that I could feel anger towards my father, but can't. Instead, I see him, talk to him, knowing he is alive, but his brain doesn't work anymore. I can and do cry my eyes out.

You have to accept what your dad is. You don't have to like it. I went with my dad, to one of his doctor visits. I told the doctor I wanted the latest and best medication to slow the deterioration of his mind.

This is not the man who raised me. I love my dad. I feel like I lost him well before putting him in the ground. He screws up who is me, with my daughter. He needs his car keys taken away, but my mother will not allow it. He gets lost, everywhere he goes.

What can you do? Nothing! Once you accept that fact, you will be in tears, like I am.