I guess before I started posting I should have introduced myself. I'm having a terrible time right now. I feel like the world is crashing all around me and will never stop. Frankly, I've always felt this way. I've been in and out of counseling my entire life. On so many meds I can't even count any longer. I've been through just about everything you can imagine. My father commited suicide when I was very young, and my mother was not really available after that. She was busy trying to feed us etc. No matter how much therapy I've ever had, I don't think I'll ever truly recover from this, but I don't know. I recently turned 40, and truly feel that I've accomplished absolutely nothing in my life. Everything I've ever started I've either quit doing, or been rejected from. Jobs that I've loved I've been laid off from or fired from. I was married for 10 years to a man who ended up being gay. I have 2 children from that marriage who are truly beautiful but have their own pandora's boxes of issues - physical and emotional. If it weren't for them, I wouldn't be here at all. Between their diagnoses, my divorce, a fire that occured in my mother's house - the list just never ends - it's been one tragedy after another. Failed relationships, failed jobs. I feel as if I have nothing to show for 40 years, and little hope that I have a reason to be here. Has anyone felt anything like this for so long and still come out of it feeling half human?
If nothing else, focus on your children. Most days, that works for me. Look at recovery as a very long walk; all that is necessary is putting one foot in front of the other. Take life one day at a time, and remember that there is an end, and when you get there, you will probably feel a great deal better and will have accomplished much more than you think you have.
"Has anyone felt anything like this for so long and still come out of it feeling half human?"
I can only answer the first part of your question, and yes, many of us have felt that way. As far the second part, I'm still putting one in front of the other.
Good luck, keep in touch, and keep moving.
Posts: 16558 | Location: Lincoln Place, Granite City, IL, USA | Registered: 06-03-02
Let me first say Welcome to Answerpool. I want you know that I admire your courage to post here today. Answerpool isn't like any online site that you have been to. We are a family who really cares about one another. You will find support, laughter, tears, bickering, hugs and love. Just by registering today you are now part of that family. Its your turn to clean the bathroom on Tuesday.
quote:
How do you find it within yourself to take another step?
You have to have faith. You have to believe and know in your heart that things will work out. You have to be strong for your kids. They need you. Sometimes its difficult to see a brighter side but its there. My father died when I was young and I too have been divorced. I know it may seem as if everything leads to nothing but that just isn't so. People who have been through far worse than you and I end up finding a way to keep going. Look at the blessings in your life and you will find many. If you can't change something in your life- change how you look at it. (Thanks Ghandi). I agree with Dorian that you have to put your focus in your kids. They need you. You say that your mother abandoned you when you needed her most. She may have been feeling the same way you are yet only dealt with it different. It sounds to me as if you are a loving mother who is trying to do the right things who has gone through some bad times. The doctors medicate you, your family ignores you and you feel worthless like you have nowhere else to turn. Goldgirl, please don't give up. You need to find peace within yourself. You often hear that expression 'what have you done for me lately'. Well.. what have you done for YOU lately? Do some of the things you enjoy. Read a book, take a long bubble bath or call that old friend and go have coffee. Do you have a half done cross stitch you have been meaning to finish? Finish it up and give it as a gift. Rent a funny movie. (Better off dead or Fried Green Tomatoes are great ones!) You have to take care of you. I think part of your problem may be the holidays. It is a tough time for many of us. Stay strong and stay focused. Laughter does wonders for the soul. I figure that in life you have to laugh or cry. I'm done crying so I'm following Ghandi's advice: If you can't change something in your life- change how you look at it. It really works. Hope to see you around the pool.
Posts: 5267 | Location: The Motor City | Registered: 06-03-02
I think about what my absence would affect my son and the few who love me. Please don't misunderstand me; it isn't easy. At least, it hasn't been for me. But I'm still here, and tomorrow I'll try to have a better day.
Posts: 16558 | Location: Lincoln Place, Granite City, IL, USA | Registered: 06-03-02
Thank you Clare. I love that quote! I'm not good at faith. Things DON'T work out. I swore that I would never do to my kids what my father did to me, so the fact that I have them keeps me here. But it's not that I haven't thought about it. It's not just that my mother 'abandonned' me. My mother is a very critical person and always has been. In the past few months, other than allowing her to see my kids, I have totally 'removed' myself from her life. I decided there was no reason for me to put up with her behavior and mal-treatment (is that a word??) of me any longer. I do manage to do some things for me. I have a couple of good friends that force me to. I'm an expert at withdrawing, though. I thought that life had finally opened up for me. I thought that I had found my reason for being here finally. I thought that I had found my soul mate in the truest sense of the word, and it looks like that too may go sour. Now I'm back to questioning everything. Seeing everything as a failure. Not understanding for a second why I'm even here. Even if my kids are meant to do great things (I AM a mom! lol) Could that be the only meaning in my life? I've put myself out there time and time again, personally, professionally - how many times do I have to crash and burn before it's my turn to have the chance to actually be rewarded with some peace? What have I done that is so bad that things are only ripped away from me? How many times do I have to pick myself up and start all over again? I just don't think I can do it anymore. And no, that doesn't mean taking my life, although I wouldn't mind not being here - but I have no faith left. No hope. I don't think I can muster it up anymore. I feel like all that's left for me to do, is to do my best to get my kids off to college, so I can sit here with the shades drawn. I hate leaving the house, I hate going anywhere. I hate it all. I hate that I'm not the kind of mom I wish my kids had. But no matter how hard I try, I can't be that kind of mom. So I do the best that I can, and hope they will come through without too much damage. I certainly am not proud of myself as a mother though. There's nothing that I have done in this world that I feel is worthy of feeling good about. What a catch 22 - I'm tired of not feeling good, but it's where I always end up anyway. SO isn't it easier to just stay in the pain and not crash time and time again?
I can't say "I understand how you feel" because I am not you and can NOT feel how you feel. I CAN say that I have felt hopeless and helpless as though life were tossing me around like a leaf in a hurricane.
You said you have been on medications. Are you on meds now? Are you satisfied with your medical provider? Does she listen to you?
Do you work now? Are you doing work you enjoy? Have you considered going to school and training for work you would be happier doing?
Every parent in the world has doubts about their parenting skills. I worry about it all the time. If you are there when they need you, provide support and love when they need it, then I'd say you were a good mom.
Posts: 9030 | Location: PA, USA | Registered: 06-05-02
That's a very good description. That life is tossing me around. I have tried so many meds, that like I said, I've lost count. Yes I'm on them currently, and yes, I'm very pleased w/my doc. He (lol) listens to me and is very trustful of my self evaluations. But it's very frustrating. I feel as if there is a point at which meds are not going to cut it.
I'm not currently working, no. That's part of the problem. The last job I had, I truly loved more than anything in the world. One day, I was called in, and fired without explanation. Since PA is an at-will state, there as nothing I could do. At this point, I was laid off from one job and fired from the next. I've worked myself into a phobia (if you will) about doing it again. As far as school, I don't have the money or energy to attempt it, and I don't feel as if there is anything that I could tackle if I did. I feel like the training and talents that I do have have gone wasted, yet I'm paralyzed to do anything about it. I've been trying to start up a business, but I keep stalling out.
I know I'm doing 'ok' as a mom. It's just not what I want to be. It's not what I envisioned myself being. I didn't envision myself yelling and screaming, or having difficulties. Of course I'm there when they need me, etc etc. What I feel is that I'm short on affection, and that I don't have it left to give. I hate that, but again, feel paralyzed to do anything about it. Does that make sense?
Has anyone felt anything like this for so long and still come out of it feeling half human?
Yes and I have been feeling like this most of my adult life. I have Seasonal depression, the kind that as the winter progresses I get more depressed until I am close to cleaning my gun and having a happy accident (You know blowing off my head). Add to that a life not so perfect, childhood abuses of all types, emotional, physical, sexual, etc. a life of failures, myth-conceived greater expectations, losses, and a few mistakes which did nothing to alleviate the issues but did succeed in putting off my day of dealing with those issues namely drugs and alcohol use. I have several suicide attempts, lots of day to day stressors and things to fix, and always feel on the edge of breaking. I know where you are; I empathize and understand the place where you are.
Although I most likely could win in a listing of “how hard life has treated me” contest with you, I know for a fact that that wouldn’t diminish the effects and impacts that your life has had on you and would not make any of those things you have on your plate feel any easier. I know that you are facing some daunting issues and seemingly impassable mountains in your life. These are very real and very important to you and should not be downplayed at all.
No I do not feel half human, in fact I feel like scum of the earth most days leaving me with two options:
1. Start cleaning my guns and have a happy accident.
2. Accept those things I can not change, change the things I can and try to move on.
Option 1 appeals to me a lot – To confess suicide attempts were popular attractions for me starting when I was 15 years old on until my successful nearly 2 minute death when I was 28. However after all of those attempts ( 5 serious life threatening attempts) and all the times other people have tried to kill me (shot, stabbed, hit by a car, pushed out of a second story window) I have come to the conclusion that doing a successful suicide and staying dead is not in the cards.
Option 2 comes with some serious hard work, and demands that I make changes in myself and do things that I do not want to do, like I don’t know, staying alive to face more problems that are just bound to happen.
Option 2 is what I have been working on for the past decade and handful of years. I have tried every medications that have come down the pike, have done group and individual therapies of all sorts, and have tried on the sunlamps and alternative medicines (St. John’s Wort, Herbal remedies, “holistic” remedies, acupuncture, hypnosis, etc.) None of these have fully worked, or at best gave temporary cause for me to continue in HOPE that they will work.
How do you keep moving, though, when it only seems to lead to nothing. How do you find it within yourself to take another step?
Things that help:
1. Diet and exercise: I have removed a lot of added sugar, caffeine, added fat and take multi-vitamins. I have added long walks and an on again off again weight lifting program – both of these have a positive effect – no not perfect but together they have increased my positive attitude in life. Since I no longer suffer from sugar rushes with the consequential sugar crash I don’t fall prey to deeper depression as easily as I once did. Exercise is good for the heart and mind as well as the body – when I am on my program and working out I feel like I am “doing something” to improve myself.
2. I have learned that I should not “should myself”. I do not make a list of things I ‘should do’. Shoulding on myself is akin to doing number 2 all over myself – it stinks, it’s messy and it’s really hard to clean up. I make a list of things I would like to accomplish with the understanding that I don’t HAVE to or that I should do them. Shoulding leads to creating more negative thoughts which adds to the depressive thoughts.
3. I really try hard to not look at a lot of things in the light of “What is wrong with me?” – Especially those things like my father and his abuse of me. It is not a matter of “What is wrong with me?” it is a matter of “what is wrong with him?” – Of course that comes with the added package of not attempting to fix him or come up with a solution for his problems. Yes it is hard to take the focus off of self in many circumstances; however a lot of the time it’s not a matter of what’s wrong with me, but a matter of what’s wrong elsewhere.
5. I make realistic goals for the day and at the end of the day if I do not accomplish everything I focus on what I have accomplished. I make a list of things “To Do” for the day, I check of what I accomplish and at the end of the day I have a piece of paper I can look at and put things in perspective. Hey, when you are depressed doing the laundry is a Good Thing and is a positive accomplishment. Granted nobody else celebrates doing the laundry but when you feel like nothing in your life is done having the laundry finished (for today) is an accomplishment that should not be downplayed.
6. I pursue hobbies. I have a lot of little projects that I do. Presently I am hand sewing together the next generation of curtains for the living room. Granted they are far from perfect and are very simple in design, however the intricate hand stitching kills hours of my time and gives me something to focus on other than those negative things in my life. Yes I could whip out the sewing machine and quickly knock out the straight line seams and hems – but that goes against the time killing “do something” nature of the job. Especially when I do not have any client based jobs lined up. Since August I have been doing little money earning jobs. In August I had both knees operated on and have been following a course of “doing little” as per my doctor to heal completely so I can get another decade’s of use out of my knees. In essence I am unemployed – and that is playing some pretty nasty tricks with my mind. My hobbies may be the only thing keeping me sane at this point.
7. Learn from the mistakes of others – you will never live long enough to make all of those mistakes yourself. Seriously look back at those people who made mistakes, try to find the lesson in it, try to find a positive message one that you can take with you and build something in your life on. Depression tends to make us focus on the negative while loosing the positive messages that are in all things.
8. Schedule your life. I have been doing this for years. Yes I am accused of being anal because I have a set series of day to day routine stuff that one can tell the time by my actions. However depression tends to lead us down the road of “not doing” things. Like not eating, not brushing or teeth, not cleaning house, not making the ‘f-ing bed that nobody sees so why bother...’ Having a series of events for each day that you know will take place come hell or high water gives you a sense of control. Sure, feeding the dog every day may appear to be unimportant and may even have you singing the “Feed the Dog song” (Feed the Dog, feed the Dog, all I ever do is Feed the Damned Dog) but it provides you with a sense of control of situations and your life.
- I included my negative thoughts with the bed and the dog because in all honestly I do think some pretty negative things to go along with what I do. Its part of the problem, and is a symptom of the problem as well. I’m certain that most people feed their damned dog without singing the Feed the Dog song – maybe even get a bit of a high off of it, but for me it can be a chore that I dislike. My point is that I do it anyway – bad thoughts and all. -
All of the above has to be done by you. I can not do it for you, Dorian can’t do it for you, Clare can’t do it for you, your kids can't do it for you – you are the only one who can do those things.
These are not cures, these are steps you can take to take some of the sting out of depression and make it a little more bearable.
Of course I suggest continue working with your doctor(s) on this issue. Medications are only half of the treatment, you also need to work on the issues that surround your “bad experiences” in life.
Posts: 3885 | Location: Leaving land, heading for the ocean | Registered: 06-03-02
Nice to meet you and thanks so much for your reply. In one of my former careers I was a drug and alcohol therapist so a lot of what you say hits a familiar nerve. I love the serenity prayer.. for other people LOL
Obviously I'm a "shoulda, coulda, woulda" kind of person. I hold on to things far longer than is productive and have worked and worked on it to no avail. Yes, I realize on a rational level it is a choice, but emotionally, my being just won't listen.
I've tried so much of what you have suggested. Yet, it all comes down to why? Why bother? I always end up in the same place. Right here where I am. Why do all those piddly little things? Why make the bed? Why feed the dogs? (Actually both of my dogs died over the spring but I do still have to feed the cats) I have functional depression. I get the bills paid, I get the kids to school, dressed, fed, bathed. What else matters? This is how I'm chemically wired and I'm tired of fighting it every second of every day. I'm just not sure that I see a purpose in it anymore. It angers me to no end that this is what my life is. I'm jealous of people that don't have this struggle. I don't feel that little accomplishments make one bit of difference in my life. So I've done the dishes... So I've vacuumed... So I've cleaned out years of toys that the kids no longer use. What difference does it make? It doesn't change the darkness. It doesn't bring joy into my life. It doesn't lift this weight. It brings me back to my lifelong question. Why am I here? Why put me here to suffer endlessly with this crippling circumstance?
Of course I realize that people have had worse experiences, and worse traumas. I don't mean to have a ****ing contest with anyone. Like you said, that doesn't affect my view of myself, or my experience. Not does it mobilize me any more effectively.
SO in coming here, I don't know what I'm looking for. I feel as if part of me is giving up. I've gone back to hopeless and helpless. Back to angry. Back to seeing myself as only a bunch of imperfections. Like a vicious self-fulfilling cycle, and I don't know what to do about it anymore.
I can't really fully understand what you are feeling, but I can offer my compassion. I know there isn't much I can do to help your situation but I can listen. Just know that I do care and I truly and sincerely hope that things get better for you soon. I know that things will get better even if you don't think so. Keep in mind that Answerpool is an online community with members who donate their time to help others. Sometimes a post can be taken the wrong way but know that advice is given from our hearts with no ill intent. You seem like a really great person who hasn't even begun living yet. Sometimes depression clouds your vision of the future. Just remember that you are not alone. For what its worth- I really do care about your situation. You are valuable and don't for a second think any differently.
{{{{{ GoldGirl }}}}}
Posts: 5267 | Location: The Motor City | Registered: 06-03-02
I didn't mean for it to sound like I took David's post wrong if that's what you meant...I never ever meant to be critical of you David.. I only meant to convey that I have tried the little things.. the little steps... and I end up back here. I certainly don't mean to belittle their importance, or value. I'm just feeling so hopeless right now, that's all. I didn't mean to offend anyone, so please if I did, accept my apologies.
No need to apologize. We are all here to help. Ok I'm gonna have to break out with my secret diet plan. It works most of the time and should make you feel better.
I made a recipe for a celiac friend recently. She loved it. Basically it's lemon meringue pie filling, but with the meringue folded into the lemon custard. Then bake it, crustless, in a bain marie, that you can improvise with two pie plates of different size, for 45 minutes.
GoldGirl, we have to sieze the day. So make yourself a lemon custard dessert.
Why? Because although most of us know the following facts:
1. We are not perfect parents. 2. We are not perfect human beings. 3. We are not rich or famous, and never will be. 4. We are not perfectly healthy, and this situation is not likely to improve over time.
Still we are way better off than our ancestors and most of the people in the world.
So why is this good news?
Simple. We can stop taking ourselves so darn seriously. We are very fortunate to be alive, comfortable (warm, dry, fed), and with loved ones. Why should we demand more of life?
Forgive ourselves for being imperfect. Cherish our loved ones. Don't expect them to be perfect, either. Treat our illnesses, first, with plain diet and exercise, not with the latest drug. Look for beauty in the sky, the sea, and the natural environment, plants and animals, human children, and not in the display windows of department stores or the flashy world of television and movies.
When you find yourself dwelling on regrets, things you wish you should have done differently, remember that these memories are themselves unreal. No one can say what the outcome would have been if you had done otherwise.
All you have is today, and the hope for tomorrow. You are truly lucky: I read in your posts that you have someone to love. The greatest deprivation is the lack of the very thing that you have.
You're tired of fighting it every day? What is the alternative? To leave your children without a parent? Are you serious? You should be ecstatic that you are physically fit enough to care for them and give them what they need. So many are not, and would give anything to have your capability.
There is an old saying: if you want to find a friend, then be a friend. In the same way, if you want to find joy in life, then figure out a way to bring a little joy into your children's lives. Might be just a little thing, like teaching a child to plant a bulb in the autumn soil, so that in spring, a blossom will appear. Maybe just play a board game with them for half an hour after they come home from school. Or whatever your own nature leads you to share, and to try.
Guess what. When you figure that out, how to increase another's happiness, you'll find ways to make yourself happier and more contented. And then the world will open up. Because in the process, you will have become a more vital and attractive person.
Posts: 6249 | Location: British Columbia, Canada | Registered: 06-11-02
I understand the jealousy angle - I got to the point were people really irritate me, being happy and smiley and appearing to have their act together.
That was until I learned that just about everybody really is pretending. Most people have "problems", anxieties, bad thoughts, self image issues, blah, blah, blah. The only difference is that we see in ourselves our problems and we don't see the problems others have thus assume that they are problem free.
I bet if I met you on the street without knowing what you already said here that I would think of you as having no problems, or having your act all together and have a "perfect" life. I'm willing to bet that just like me you "hide" that part of your from others. That is a two way street, as much as you are hiding stuff from others (wearing a mask) they too are hiding stuff from you.
That is what the "Why bother?" question is answered with - to pretend (and protect others) to be happy go lucky and have our act together. Besides, most likely your the only person that will do those things that need to be done over in GoldGirl Land - right?
* * *
Well since you know the 12 step program and you know all of the catchy phrases, then you pretty much know what needs to be done that way For instance the old adage "One Day at a Time" - applicable to non-drunks as well
You know the Steps are easily adapted to any situation: Let's take the first three and adapt them:
STEP 1 Admitted we were powerless over depression and that our lives were unmanageable. STEP 2 Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. STEP 3 Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as I understood him.
Hmmmm what do you think, sound advice?
Posts: 3885 | Location: Leaving land, heading for the ocean | Registered: 06-03-02
Well since you know the 12 step program and you know all of the catchy phrases, then you pretty much know what needs to be done that way For instance the old adage "One Day at a Time" - applicable to non-drunks as well
You know the Steps are easily adapted to any situation: Let's take the first three and adapt them:
STEP 1 Admitted we were powerless over depression and that our lives were unmanageable. STEP 2 Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. STEP 3 Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as I understood him.
Hmmmm what do you think, sound advice?
Sound? Of course. I also found it so amazing that they are called steps when one feels so paralyzed to do anything. Step 1 is easy. I've got that one down pat. Step 2 gets me stuck. Very stuck. And as you know... that makes Step 3 virutally impossible. So again, paralyzed. For how can I believe that a power greater than myself can restore what that same power has taken away? It's a catch 22, and I've struggled always with it.
We have to get off of any self-condemnation trip, because there are so many people out there who will Lord over us and put us down simply for the kick that they can get out of it. The answer is not to retreat into ourselves but to seek out God and the company of anyone who is above putting others down or, alternately, equal to lifting others up. Then, there are the usual crutches: refrigerator, TV, computer, whatnot. (Just don't look in your wallet or, on a very bad day, the mirror.)
I continue on, because when I feel dead last, I believe the scripture which tells me that I am going to be first. I also believe that when that happens, all who have mistreated me will be fretting and regretting that they did not kiss up to me in expection of sharing my big payoff. Meanwhile, I tell myself that I live for spite, hoping to outlive my worst enemies (as though they care). When all else fails, I fantasize ****ing on the grave of my worst enemy; that makes me burst out laughing, all right.
(I know that I am in my right mind, because I know that I did not add those ****.)
Sometimes the greatest revenge is to be successful and happy.
David
My mother always said she was laughing on the outside and crying on the inside. When she is having a tough time she just says, "I'm laughing on the outside". I know exactly what she means. She also has said "Only the shadow knows". I find myself saying the same phrases from time to time.
Posts: 5267 | Location: The Motor City | Registered: 06-03-02
tsaeb... i don't understand your post. but perhaps it's just the state i am in, and my own lifetime... for i feel that the one that has most mistreated me IS God. so where would i go from there? i don't feel as if i have enemies.. only me. i only struggle with myself. which kind of leads me right to clare's post too...
i do laugh. i laugh a lot. in fact i have a decent sense of humor and i'm quite sarcastic. and i do live in the shadow. but i have no feelings of 'reve
