Ok, a little background :

My sister and a good friend have constantly been in contact with each other without me around, this has been happening for years. I recently learned they considered each other boyfriend and girlfriend.

I am asking if its wrong to find this strange and to feel weird when I am around them, I have confronted them both and said how I feel and they really seem to be stressing that I am at fault for not accepting it and dealing with it. Is this the case? Is it wrong for me to feel weird around them?

Also, after voicing my thoughts on the situation the two have continued to see each other despite telling me they were just going to be friends. With this latest development should I cut my losses and end my friendship with my good friend due to the fact that being around him or her makes me feel very strange??
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03-26-06, 08:02 AM
frankvan
For a sibling and a friend to become romantically interested in each other is not at all unusual. It happens every day, and more often than not, the one sibling is pleased by the implied compliment. If my good friend finds my sister attractive, and my sister approves of my choice of friends, that is something I, and most people (?), would find serendipitous. I remember how my sister was always picking out potential girl friends for me from among her personal friends, unsuccesfully in most instances.

What is conspicuous by its absence in your case is the lack of gender identification. You are 'Mad' ? Are you perhaps romantically interested in this 'friend' you consider dropping? Are you harboring feelings of guilt because their attachment to one another produces this "weird" dsiscomfort in you? The only possible explanation for what you describe, seems to me, is either an unbecoming possesive attitude toward either your sister or your friend. I think there is a factor or two that is not included in the equation as stated. At any rate, your feelings are yours, welcome to AnswerPool, and do come back. Smile

03-26-06, 08:38 AM
MrsS
It is not "wierd" that you felt initially uncomfortable with the situation, but is a little unusual that you have remained so.
What exactly bothers you about this? Do you know something about your friend that makes him bad boyfriend material? Or are you just feeling like your sister "stole" your friend? Is there a REASON they should not see each other?
Besides the lack of gender identification, you also give no clue about the ages of the three of you.
Darlin', as far as I can tell, they've done nothing wrong except to tell you what you wanted to hear and then continued as they were when what they ought to have done was say "We're sorry you're not glad for us, but tough stuff, we like each other."
You absolutely have a right to your feelings, but I advise you to get over it.

03-26-06, 10:37 AM
juanruiz
As pointed out above, you have not given enough context for any fruitful advice. Was their some previous understanding you and your friend were to become serious? And was there a specific reason why you posted this in the College forum? Does that have something to do with your situation?

03-26-06, 02:06 PM
Mad
Sorry for all the ambiguity, I am male, I think my profile shows that?? My friend is male and my sister is female. My friend and I are 21 and my sister is 18. I posted in this section because the three of us all go to the same university.

I wrote the post quite late last night and I now realise there are some important details I left out, for example my friend and I are flatting together along with another friend of mine (not one I have known for as long however). I am not romantically interested in my friend. The name 'Mad' doesnt reflect my feelings, its just an online username I have been using for some time.

I am sorry I was unclear, I dont want to stop them doing anything, I understand they can do whatever they like, but what I want to know is if I should learn to live with it or should I let them have what they have and find a new friend? The friendship between my friend and I has already taken a big hit due to the secret nature of their romance for over 3 years, should I bother picking up the pieces or invest the time with another friend who might not do something like this behind my back?

03-26-06, 03:01 PM
juanruiz

quote:
a big hit due to the secret nature of their romance for over 3 years,


I get the impression that this is the bottom line: they kept their relationship from you. Or is it that you are protective of your sister since something started between them when she was only 15? Do you feel uncomfortable that your friend and your sister are having a physical relationship? You can always choose new friends, not much you can do about choosing new sisters. And as long as they are together he will be in your life. So, I guess you have to make the best of a bad thing, or find a new place to live, or change your perspective on the whole thing.

03-26-06, 03:05 PM
MrsS
Darlin', you should ask THEM, seperately and privately why they felt like they had to hide it from you...the answer is very likely that they figured you'd react negatively.
If your only issue here is that you feel decieved, let it go and keep your friendship.This is obviously a relationship of long standing, so it would be a shame if it ended because your sister sees the same appealing qualities in the fellow that you did when you became friends....just from a different angle.

03-26-06, 03:35 PM
Mad
juanruiz your right, its about the fact they kept it secret, I dont feel I can trust what they say. I had a long chat to my sister about it a year ago and afterwards she made it seem she had nothing to do with him, then I find out whats been going on and I feel like neither of them have been open about it and they wont be again!!

This kind of brings me to MrsS point, I dont know if I can keep the friendship going without trusting my friend anymore. Also, I dont understand why after explaining how I feel they continued, shouldnt it be reasonable to have friends that respect your feelings?

03-26-06, 04:12 PM
juanruiz

quote:
I dont understand why after explaining how I feel they continued, shouldnt it be reasonable to have friends that respect your feelings?



I think you expect too much. If they love each other, your preferences are not part of their equation. At this point I would say that you either can be happy for them, or drop your friend. This may well mean finding someplace else to live, seeing you are roommates.

03-26-06, 04:13 PM
frankvan

quote:
Also, I dont understand why after explaining how I feel they continued, shouldnt it be reasonable to have friends that respect your feelings?



Your friend was 18, your sister was 15, you have misgivings, objections (?) which you express. Three years down the road these 2 young, normal people have formed a more romantic attachment - in spite of your feelings ? I think you need to get real!
What exactly do you propose to do about the situation? Move out? Kick your friend out? Disown the pair of them? What right do you think you have to control either your sister or your friend and their romantic liasons? Pardon my bluntness, but I think you need to grow up!

03-26-06, 05:22 PM
Mad
frankvan, I think you sum it up well, nothing I can do about whats already happened, I cant stop them so I might as well make things as confortable as possible for myself right?

Seeing as I feel uncomfortable around them I guess I am going with disowning them? Just wanted to check that was the best course of action, thanks for the help all Big Grin

03-26-06, 05:56 PM
juanruiz

quote:
Seeing as I feel uncomfortable around them I guess I am going with disowning them? Just wanted to check that was the best course of action,


No, not the best course of action, the most convenient one for you. You have a choice of being accepting of them, or of concerned with yourself. The decision is yours.

03-26-06, 06:00 PM
Mad
Thats fine with me, I dont feel I owe them the respect of acceptance when I had to wade through all the lies to even find out what was going on in the first place.

03-26-06, 06:08 PM
juanruiz
Did you ever ask yourself that there may have been a reason why they were less than candid with you?

03-26-06, 07:49 PM
Mad
I have asked myself that, and even after hearing their reasons I still am not 100% sure why, I gather because of the actions I am considering now probably.

Regardless of the reason, I dont want a friend that keeps secrets of that nature anyway! There are enough people in the world that I dont have to put up with people like that as friends. I am sure that sounds worse than I mean it, but surely I can find enough people to spend time with that I dont need people like him around.

03-26-06, 09:27 PM
MrsS
May I urge you not to cut ties in haste? Now that all is out in the open, you all have a chance to repair the damage. That chance may very well be lost if you insist on holding your pose as the betrayed party. There is a chance these two people may wind up married and you just can't have this dog in the manger attitude regarding your potential brother in law and still hope for familial harmony.
You really must put your hurt feelings in perspective and look at a bigger picture here. All I'm hearing here is that you think you should have been told and I can't argue that, but your reaction is way out of proportion
Is your wounded pride really worth forcing your sister to make a potentially heartwrenching choice?
Be angry if you must, but don't act in anger...give it a month or so, cool off, then see if this is really so serious a matter.

03-26-06, 11:14 PM
Mad
But in a months time I cant end the friendship if things go back to normal for now. Also I dont think I can deal with either of them properly anymore anyway, how do I know if what they are saying is true??

It is also the case that this is kind of a second chance gone bad as it is, there have been two major times when actions have differed from what was said with regards to this matter, the event a year ago when my sister and I talked and she claimed she had nothing to do with my friend AND much more recently when they said they would cut back to just being friends, its clear now this was just more lies!! How many times am I expected to be the fool who kept putting up with the lies?

I think both other parties have shown they cant be trusted and hence I dont want to associate with them.

03-26-06, 11:32 PM
DorianGreyed
It sounds to me that you had your mind made up before you even posted the first question, and all you wanted was someone to tell you that you are doing the right thing. It is no wonder why your sister and her boyfriend didn't want to tell you. It's my guess that they assumed that you would react in an unreasonable manner, somehow claiming to be a victim. They were right. If how you are behaving now is any indication of your general behavior, your sister and her boyfriend may be better off if you do shun them.

03-27-06, 12:22 AM
Mad
Its true I was certainly leaning towards taking the action I am, and yeah I wanted to hear that my actions make sense.

Is it really unreasonable to suggest I am a victim as you put it? I had a really awesome friendship going and then an outsider came along and through her actions made me feel uncomfortable around both her and my friend which has ruined that awesome friendship. From start to finish how have I gained anything from the choice I am making, I havent, I have simply been robbed of a friend.

But, that aside, I understand I cant control what they do, I accept the situation isnt mine to control in that regard! However there are things I can control, how I spend my own time, is there anything wrong with avoiding the weirdness I have connected to them by not having contact with them? Thats what I really want to know.

03-27-06, 07:03 AM
MrsS
You're asking if it's okay to drop your SISTER because you don't care for the way she's conducting her love life? You want to know if dropping a friend of longstanding because he didn't want to deal with the wierdness of telling you he was seeing your baby sister?
Seems to me ALL three of you are creating a lot of tension trying to avoid wierdness.
Yes, they should have been up front.
Yes, it was wrong to tell you what you wanted to hear when that was not true.
But nothing unforgivable.
What d'you have in mind...moving to another flat, avoiding parties they might attend and family gatherings and generally making a prat of yourself and being a pain to your folks?
Your self rightious attitude is a pretty extreme reaction and if you're this unyielding at 21, I'm afraid you'll be very lonely at 42.
Lighten up.

03-27-06, 08:48 AM
Mad
Sister and Good friend "dating"
I intend to make things as normal as possible for everyone else, if that means pretending I am ok with my sister and my friend, then so be it, I intend to take any steps I can to lessen the impact to all the people not involved, making them suffer is just unfair!! But that doesnt mean I have to be around them at other times.

I am willing to be lonely if it stops me being in other peoples way, I cant be around them without feeling weird, so rather than make that anyone elses problem I will distance myself from them. So if it helps me seem a little less self righteous then think about it like that.... its less trouble for other people this way.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: DorianGreyed,