This is my second semester in college and i still have not made a single friend! I don't get it...i talk to people, i try to get out..but then the people that i think will be friend all they do when the go and hang out is go and party and get drunk..i don't party i hate parties. And there aren't any clubs that i'm interested in joining at school. i just want a friend..but i don't know how to make one? can i get some help on this?
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10-31-05, 04:21 PM
Sherasi
What is your major? There are not hangouts for people in your major?

There are often some clubs like chess clubs or book clubs, etc that emphasize the social aspects of college life and not the party attitude.

Maybe there are others like you who DON'T want to party that you can find and start some sort of entertainment with. Colleges are notorious for having student commons where you can post signs and advertisements, why not write something up about an event you want to host.. bowling night, movie night, anything fun.
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10-31-05, 07:38 PM
aminator2002
ummmm.... I think you need to join clubs. If you can't go out and just drink soda while socializing with people and not judge them then you'll need to find different people and those people are in clubs. Hang out at coffee shops, go to places that have live music, go to book stores. Look for activities that you'll enjoy, look for community service projects... at any school there are tons of things to do if you look hard enough.

Part of making friends is finding good in people and being able to just let them do their own thing. I don't know exactly what you're acting like in front of people but I would never tell another soul that you turned in your roommates... that's just not good. And people who complain a lot are not good to become friends with so when you do meet people try to focus on just talking about positive things. Talk about things you like and try to avoid discussing everything that you don't like... join a club or take classes for fun that you will enjoy and you'll find the quiet and non-partying folks that don't come out of hiding very easily.

Good luck and keep us posted!
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11-01-05, 07:59 AM
juanruiz
A key to your dilemma is contained in your post: you have told us what you don't want to do (parties, clubs). Lamentably, those are two of the most fruitful places to meet people on campus. (And no, I am not endorsing drinking). What are you willing to do? Most universities have religious organizations (Campus Crusade, Newman Centers) which have a lot of nice kids as members. If you aren't into religion, try sporting events. Call someone up and say "Let's go to the ___________ game." Or look to voluteer in the community (food pantries, animal shelters, retirement homes). You have to be proactive in this, and perhaps become a bit more flexible in what you will participate in.
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11-01-05, 11:56 AM
DvdGStwrt
The problem with making friends is that most people do not understand the different nuances of the word “friend” compared to “acquaintance”. I’m certain you have many acquaintances who most people would call friend, most people who claim to have lots of friends actually only have a lot of acquaintances.

The number of friends I have and had though my whole life I can count on the digits of one hand – though I have had many (thousands) of acquaintances, there is only a few tried and true individuals who have attained the label of ‘David’s Friend’. I met my friends through acquaintances, such as helping an acquaintance move who had other acquaintances helping and I and one of them struck up a conversation and started down the road of friendship.

Friends – like lovers, are not something you can shop for – this means you can not force a friendship to happen, the either do or they don’t. I believe that a friend is an individual who comes closest to being a lover without the strong passionate love. It’s a chemistry thing as much as finding your partner in life – most likely like finding that one perfect match for yourself as a lover there will be many false starts, many failed attempts – however sooner or later you will make a friend.

I know with myself that I am not a social-butterfly – meaning I do not mingle at parties, I tend to either stand holding up a wall or sit in the farthest removed seat from the action. I dislike meaningless small talk – However I do have a few subjects that I will talk about for hours. In my party days I also drank and used which helped to limber me up and made me more of a social person that I am clean and sober. Coming to grips with that reality I have settled or found my level and know that I am a person who sets high standards on friendship.

I do not stint on acquaintances I do cultivate those, I do lend aid and a supporting ear, such as helping my acquaintances to move because I know that sooner or later I will meet a person who will become a friend.

* * * * *
From your other post (Roommates are Terrible) I think that you have a serious issue with alcohol – one that is not too far removed from those who have alcohol problems (alcoholism). I suspect (Hey I can be wrong, I’m just throwing out a theory) that either you are in recovery (having drank before but have decided its not right for you, maybe drinking is a problem for yourself) – OR – you were raised/around an alcoholic and drinking brings up other issues with you.

If it is the First (you being a former drinker) I suggest http://www.onlinealano.org/links/ whick gives links to AA related organizations, in particular interest to you may be Alano clubs many of those tend to have dry bars (soda, coffee, juice, water), meetings at specific times, dance nights, party nights – all clean and sober offering a safe clean and sober environment to have a social life.

If it is the latter I suggest Alanon: http://www.ola-is.org/ and http://www.alanon.org.za/ which are meetings for friends and family members of Alcoholics and Drug addicts – people who are dealing with the issues that arise from another’s problems. Again they too offer some social benefits. Many Alanon Members also have drug/alcohol problems themselves and are into clean and sober social scenes as well.

I would suggest checking out these resources – you do not have to relate to the issues and problems, but it may open up social doors to you where there is no alcohol or drugs.

I know plenty of “normies” (Non-alcoholic/drugs users) who go to Alano club and/or meetings – they go in support of friends they have made who are clean and sober, or they go because they want to help out – most likely many have an ulterior motive, such as wanting to be around clean and sober people.
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11-01-05, 06:31 PM
dragonbright
Well, thanks for the suggestions...maybe i'll be a loner like i am now. I'm happy being alone and hanging out by myself the majority of the time. I have a few friends left from high school..that's all i need, even if i only see them once or twice a year and talk to them on the internet. whatever. and DvdGstwrt..i've never drank alcohol and there's no one in my family that's an alcoholic or that has done drugs. I just don't feel comfortable around alcohol and the such, it's just my own personal comfort level..i just don't want to be caught for guilt by association either...whatever life sucks and it doesn't appear it's going to get better anytime soon.
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11-01-05, 06:43 PM
Sarai
It may just be that you're shy. Do you think that might be possible, and that you're hiding behind the disapproval of alcohol and drugs and parties and clubs as an excuse to remain shy?

I think it's great that you've decided not to make drugs and alcohol a part of your life, but that doesn't mean that you have to avoid parties or even people who drink. I suspect you know that, but perhaps you feel uncomfortable because you don't know how, exactly, to behave - which is just another way of saying that you're shy.

It's okay to be shy. I'm shy, too, and it's something I struggle with a lot. You may not even realize you're shy. Since I can get in front of a group without breaking a sweat and generally appear confident, most people would not believe me if I told them that I'm shy. But my shyness is very situation-specific. Basically, any place where I don't have a specific role to play makes me shy. Parties, bars, chit-chat in the morning at work - they're all situations that make me want to run for the door. I'm terrible at small talk.

For a long time I thought I just "didn't like people" or something, but over time, I realized that my misanthropy was actually just a form of a sort of secret, hidden shyness. Sometimes, people who are not obviously shy come off as aloof or snobbish, when really, deep down, we are just a bit insecure and unsure of how to behave, afriad of being judged and unsure of what other people expect of us, and so we hide behind this wall of confidence and judgment (and I think shy people are sort of critical - highly critical of ourselves, and also critical of others, to make an excuse for our own shyness).

My shyness first became apparent to me in college, too - probably because that is the first time in life when friendships are developed in exactly the sort of loose situations where there aren't the kinds of clear social rules that we secretly shy people so like to hide behind!

I don't know if that applies to you, but if it does, maybe some of the links on this page might help you.

It's okay to be shy- more people are shy than we realize. But be careful not to let it rule your life.

Good luck to you!
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11-01-05, 06:43 PM
frankvan
"I'm happy being alone and hanging out by myself the majority of the time."

".... life sucks and it doesn't appear it's going to get better anytime soon."

Does it strike you, dragonbright, that there is something contradictory in the above two statements?? Confused
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11-01-05, 06:53 PM
Sarai
P.S. I just found this page about shyness and it looks really good.
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11-01-05, 07:01 PM
Sarai
By the way, I just read your situation with your roommates, and while I agree that you shouldn't have turned them in, I can really empathize with you - and I'm sure hearing so many people say you shouldn't have turned them in is painful, too. The first year of college can be so hard. Not to be corny, but here is a hug. ((dragonbright))
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11-01-05, 07:26 PM
Sarai
Okay, I'm probably starting to get annoying Big Grin, but I had to post just one more site for you. This site is a free course about coping as a freshman and it has a good 10 pages about making friends. I hope that helps!!!
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11-01-05, 07:27 PM
dragonbright
hahaha i see my contradiction..funny.
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11-01-05, 07:34 PM
dragonbright
haha,i should stop posting so much myself. But i must say your suggestions and those links are quite intersting. I know that i'm shy and its something i've tried to overcome for a while now..and i'm still working on it. I try to get out and try new thing but i go to a small college (community college) and there's only like 3 clubs and they're major specific and natural resources just doen't have a club..but i hang out with the natural resource students all the time at school. it's just hard to find someone to hang out with when the people that i talk with are older than me and have families and children...but yeah..i'm done posting on here tonight..i'm missing my tv show lol..Smile
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11-03-05, 09:48 AM
DvdGStwrt
Dragon,

Its ok to be a lone wolf - Really it is.

Society frowns on it though, society appears to measure worth by odd standards, one being how many freinds you have.

Make certain that your quest for freinds is what you want, not what you think society demands of you.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: DorianGreyed,