My oldest son is 10 and beginning to complain about the way his dad is, "He's always negative and thinks everyone is bad", "He doesn't care about my side of the situation (sibling rivalry with his brother)" and "He says bad words". Here I am caught in the middle. I am confused about my role at this point. I am glad he is confiding with me and don't want to squash that by making excuses for my husband or telling him 'now, you will respect your father, do you hear me?' I have mentioned a few things to my husband when it could be received in a positive light and it went okay. I want my son to be okay with their differences and respect his father and I want my husband to try harder to be a compassionate dad. I am looking for ideas on the best approach to take. It doesn't sound like such a serious problem, but it's definitely stressing me out.

Of course it is stressing you out!
My course would be to tell my son that "Even Dad's aren't perfect people, and I can't promise he'll change, but I don't blame you for not liking it when he does _______" You might encourage him to keep a journal so he can write out all his frustrations and then be better prepared to express them clearly, explaining that it's very common to have a hard time sorting out big problems from little ones while you are angry, frustrated or upset and that writing down things that bother him can help him figure it out.
Also, EVERYONE with a younger sibling feels that the "baby" gets favoured....later, it will be the little one saying "That's not fair! Jimmy gets to stay up til ten!!!!"
Then have a chat with your husband, ask him to cut out the swearing in front of the kids and develop a "family policy" where, when there is a disagreement, everyone gets to speak their piece, and get listened to without interuption... I know one family that uses an egg timer to make sure everyone gets equal time.
I would not approach this with a "You're doing this wrong" tone, but as a family problem that needs a solution.... I'm concerned that if he hears "You're doing thus and such" he'll get defensive, so try to avoid that. in general, men are way better at "Fixing things" than they are at examining their role in a problem.
I hope some of that was useful.

It's tough (verging on impossible) for an outsider to make healthy suggestions based on a few words only from only one of the parties.

Here are a few points to consider.

1. When an intelligent young person ( and your son surely is that) can go to one parent with non-specific complaints ("He's always negative...") this can generate a kind of false basis for an alliance. (Clearly your son is trying to make you his ally against the disciplinarian. You are his only chance to prevail -- the only one able to stand up to dad.)

2. You as a nurturing mom naturally want fair play for son, and want him to see family discipline as rational and justifiable.

HOWEVER...

Parents must support each other consistently. If you want to know what happens when they don't , watch Supernanny.

In another four or five years, when your sons want only to be with their peers, and think all discipline is irrational and arbitrary, household chores are the parents 'job', school work is irrelevant to their interests, ane the family car is theirs on demand, your home life could be totally chaotic.

A clever child is totally happy when every attempt at discipline "Do your homework; stop hitting your brother; No you can't have french fries and ice cream for supper; eat your vegetables" can be countered by some argument: "You're always picking on me; You never care what I think; He started it; Mom said I could,"

in which one or both parents can be confused and diverted. Result: the original issue is forgotten, the parents focus their attention on each other instead of on the behavior, and the kid is off the hook.

Time to assess the situation very, very carefully.

First assess yourself. Do you follow through with the children when problems occur? For example, if screams and cries of dismay are heard from another room where the boys are watching television, do you go to see, observing before listening to anyone's 'story'? Or do you just call "Now stop that or no TV!", and the noise lessens, and you're satisfied that the problem is resolved?

Good parenting is hard work. Eternal vigilence, Julia, you bet. Consistent follow-through.

1. Check the details.
"He changed the channel I was watching."
"He wasn't watching. He was playing with ..." whatever.

There should be a rule about who decides what to watch. (You don't want a television in every single room. This is too indulgent, plus the kids miss the chance to learn to share resources.)

2. Resolve the problem decisively.
"John gets to watch until the show he was watching is over. Then you pick the next show, Paul. You know that's the rule."

"But it's not fair, he..."

"No further discussion. The subject's closed, Paul, or there will be consequences. Use the time while you're waiting to put your bike away."

"I'll do that after."

"No. Now. After, you'll be watching TV, remember?"

"It's not fair, you always take his side!"

At this point there needs to be a consequence. He's been warned. He's just dragging it out, because he's still ticked off that he wasn't allowed to 'bump' his brother off the TV.

"You have just lost your television privileges for today."

"AWWWWWW! You..."

"Want to try for lost privileges tomorrow too? One more word."

And stick to it. Once a penalty has been assigned, DO NOT be talked out of it. If you do, you will ALWAYS be confronted by a legalistic argument on EVERY SINGLE decision you make. It's the gambler's "random reward" motivator at work. If that kid can guilt or argue you out of a penalty just once, he will never quit trying to see if it will work next time, and you will be tied up in endless justification, rationalization, and talk, talk, talk, with your kids.

You really need to sit down with dad and talk about this. Remember that each of you can easily second-guess the other's decision at any time. Either of you could say:

"You're too hard on the boy. So what if he (does X) once in a while. He's young!"
"Your tone of voice sounded angry."
"I know you said he had to practice his double bass for an hour. But I said it would be okay if he skipped just this once, he said he'd do double practice tomorrow." (P.S. this is a no-no. Never contravene the other parent's decision without at least checking with the other parent and letting him know why there is an issue and getting his consent.)

These conversations are okay away from the kids.

And don't - don't - (I'm sure you don't!) try to be good guy with your kid, so he'll think you're more understanding than Dad. If you tend to do that, your family needs counselling.

Bottom line: Don't be sidetracked by generalized statements from your sons: "He always... He never..." Insist on specifics.

Intervene only in urgent cases. "Dad said he's confiscating my iPod because I skipped sports practice today. He wouldn't listen when I said you took me to the dentist's."

I don't mean to be hard on your kids. It's just that I know how smart they are. And we all like to get our own way.

It sounds like your son is needing to adjust his expectations of how Dad should act around him. You should probably keep on your husbands side. I heard that boys need their moms mostly until they are 7 and then they need to learn most from their fathers.

Being a compassionate dad is an idea that my parents generation had very little clue about. My brothers would get screamed at by my father, sworn at on occasion. Whining to mom would have gone to deaf ears. It worked even though it wasn't pleasant. My parents were a team that didn't have the same approach but backed each other completely.

(We need some dads to wade in on this topic.)

The only time I'd not back my spouse would be if he were being cruel or abusive. A little poke on the arm, just to get someone's attention, is not child battery in my books. But hitting in the face, unless in direct retaliation, or any violence of that sort, is not giving the right lesson.

Occasionally calling a kid dumb is just a slip, perhaps, and means 'that was a dumb thing to do'. But continually demeaning the kid is abusive.

Even abuses of this sort should be discussed with the other parent apart from the children. If the spouse agrees that he/she went too far, then a talk between the child and the parent who did the wrong thing is in order.

If the offending parent does not agree that the act was wrong, then the parents should talk to someone. Otherwise the parents will inevitably fail to be consistent, because one parent will tend to protect the child, and the other will resent that, and the child will be confused and resentful.

I love all these ideas. Love the journal writing and egg timer family talks. I know from personal experience in watching my sister's marriage/divorce and effect on my nephew, to know there has to be a united front. I have definitely slipped at times in front of the kids. It makes sense that the kid then thinks the heat is off him and now mom & dad have their own issue. But having my son complain to me during our mom/son talking time is throwing me off. At age 10, and especially all the way until age 20 - I want him to feel that talking to mom is a good outlet and even results in change when possible. If his concerns fall upon deaf ears, he will soon stop talking, which could be a bigger tragedy. Yet, he is becoming a complainer, so I am trying to help him take partial responsibility for his state of life. Now, getting my husband to change, that's a different subject altogether but I know he wants better relationships than he has.
Thanks all.

Most fathers and sons have these problems, usually starting with the teen years or a bit earlier. Discounting personalities, which only you can really know, it very well may be that your husband expects your son to act more like a "man", more adult, and is impatient with what is probably normal development in a boy. Your son both seeks his father's approval and is in competition with him. It is likely that neither is conscious of these feelings. You, of course, are in the middle; you must, as parents, be of one mind, supporting each other, and yet it is vital, as you already know, that you remain someone to whom your son can turn for comfort. Privately, remind your husband how much he loves his son; these years are hard on a father just as they are on a son.

Is your husband an oldest sibling, possibly having to help with raising his younger brothers (at least, in his own mind)? If so, this would just increase his feeling of impatience.

When you have a talk with your son, you could try engaging him in solving the problem.


Suppose dad yells at son for not putting his coat away when he comes home from school.

Son complains to mom that dad 'always yells at me. He shouldn't yell, everybody knows that'.

"What might you have done differently, son, to avoid this confrontation with your dad?"

Do this with the view to making him accept responsibility for his actions. This is what he is trying to avoid by putting blame on dad.

Meantime a soft word in Dad's ear later, explaining that the kid's smart, and he's using Dad's little slip to avoid responsibility, and that Dad can outsmart the kid right back by not yelling, may make it easier for Dad to take a criticism.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: babthrower,