Here are some announcements culled, I have been told, from actual church bulletins and newsletters.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoy sinning to join the choir.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered.

Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 P.M.-prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday. Please use the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

quote:

Originally posted by babthrower:
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

That's gotta be the best one babs. But I think the BS continues long after the studying is done.
There are no free lunches at churches, in my experience

My fave:

quote:

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered.

Cremains, I presume; otherwise, wouldn't fit into an envelope.

Heard this in church Sunday.

A very elderly Christian gentleman (90s) was asked about reaching such an advanced age. His reply was that all his closest friends had long since passed on to their heavenly home and it pained him to think that they probably thought he didn't make it.

DD

quote:

There are no free lunches at churches,

Which reminds me of all the church pot luck suppers I attended as a kid. They are the reason god invented jello and cream of mushroom soup.

Funny jr,
So are you saying they lured you in with the jello or the soup?

How old were you when you finally managed to break the terrible cycle of addiction?

The soup was used a an ingredient in what is known as hotdish, a midwest staple. I got out at about age 14.

Well at least you saw the light..so to speak.
It took me 20 years of jello longer than that!