Subject: History of Political Groups

Division of the human family into 2 distinct political groups began some 12,000 years ago. Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains in the summer & would goto the beach &live on fish &lobster in winter.

The 2 most important events in all of history were the invention of beer & the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization &together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into 2 distinct subgroups: Liberals &Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered it required grain & that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early human ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking & killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as "the Conservative movement."

Other men who were weaker & less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's & doing the sewing, fetching & hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement. Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as 'girley men.'

Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy & group hugs & the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to best divide the meat & beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, &French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting revolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men.

Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood & group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat & still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, soldiers, athletes & generally anyone who works productively outside government. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to "govern" the producers & decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tame &created a business of trying to get MORE for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history

Deconstructionism began some twenty years ago, but long before that humans were already laughing at those who feel a need to tell everyone about how manly they are.

I guess what many cultures have lost, historically speaking, is a formal rite of passage for young adults. Such rites still exist, of course, here and there, but they are not universal.

This leaves many young men in an awkward phase, compelled to brag about how they never wash and eat their meat bloody, for example, in order to claim manhood. Perhaps when the author of Fritz' post leaves adolescence behind, he'll be able to take a more laid-back view of things.

I'm concerned about this 'providing for his woman' idea, however. It can't mean that his partner has some kind of disability and can't provide for herself; a real man doesn't do anything as cissy as take care of the less fortunate - he'd rather push them outside the tent to die in the snow, or cull them and eat their flesh raw.

It can't mean providing companionship or intellectual stimulation; that's really icky-girly stuff, too.

It might mean providing amusement, in an unintentional way; like blowing his ear off while cleaning his rifle, and trying to fix it back on with duct tape rather than have his buddies laugh at him for seeing a doctor. But I doubt it; that would involve the author knowing about irony. If you admit knowing about irony, you might as well give up and tell everyone you watch movies with subtitles.

So providing what, exactly? Could it be sex? Again, there's still hope I suppose; once the author gets over his awkwardness and manages to lose his virginity, he'll maybe feel less need to broadcast about his studly prowess.

Here we go again!!!

Could it mean providing money? I doubt it. Why couldn't the woman get her own (unless we're subscribing to the manly idea that women have funny-shaped brains and can neither think nor throw baseballs properly)?

Money has a long history, but your average two-fisted, square-jawed lumberjack/fireman/astronaut has no use for it. Watch a few cowboy movies - the only times the hero handles money, he'll be throwing it away contemptuously. Pretty little scraps of paper and dinky coins... who needs them!

Next we'll be hearing that real men can count. I mean, where is this - France?!

I wonder if it's about providing citizenship for their women. It seems that those creepy inadequates who buy mail-order brides are overwhelmingly right-wing. Here's an advocate for them protesting too much.

But, the original piece has that word 'still'; 'still provide for their women'. Historically speaking, is this taking advantage of cultural and economic gaps, by men unable to make a decent impression on any females in their own society, a new development? I'm sure there were comparable practices throughout history - but has there been anything quite the same?