Over the last few months my husband has complained of pain, he is never specific and when I press him,he tells me not to worry. He's lost weight and his color is almost ashen , he attributes this to being over worked. A few weeks ago I went into the bathroom after my husband and saw blood in the toilet and asked him about it, he refused to talk . I have been very upset because he absolutely will not go to the DR. even though his dad and an uncle have died of colon cancer.I have cried , begged , and finally the other day I became furious , he will not listen . How can I make him understand ? What are the magic words for this stubborn man that I love? How can I get him to the Doctor?

[This message was edited by wlmwallace on 11-14-02 at 09:58 AM.]

[This message was edited by wlmwallace on 11-14-02 at 10:01 AM.]

I am so sorry you are going through this! My dad was the same way - hated doctors and refused to go.

I hate to be blunt about this, but maybe it's what your husband needs....my dads problems went undiagnosed and untreated for years, and he died at age 42.

I know you've tried and tried, begged and pleaded, but if he can be made to realize that what's happening to him is not normal and could be life threatening, he could be convinced to have it checked out. Be sure he knows that your motivation comes from the fact that you love him and want him around for years to come.

He's probably just very frightened, and this fear is keeping him from realizing that if he DOES have a problem, early diagnosis could make a huge difference.

Have you become friends with any of the doctors you come into contact with through your work? If so, talk to them - tell them what's going on, and maybe they would be willing to speak to your husband at your home, in a more private and non-threatening atmosphere than the doctors office or hospital would be.

Your husband is obviously a very proud and private man, not wanting to burden anyone else with his personal problems, but I cannot imagine that he is not concerned himself.

I'm sure you'll receive other suggestions from our wonderful people here, and I will be thinking of you, hoping that somehow he can be convinced.

First of all my prayers go out to you. Speaking from experience there are those people who absolutely will NOT go to a doctor until they are on their death bed. It is a choice we all make as to how we want to maintain our health. Your pleading, anger, pushing will probably only keep him further away from a doctor. The only thing you can do is let him know that his life is as important to you as it is to him. That if he neglects his health and dies he is not holding up to his end of the bargain when it comes to "taking care" of you. He needs to realize that his life affects more than just one person. There is you and I'm sure other family members and by ignoring his health he is sending out the message that he is not concerned for the lives of his loved ones.

He is understandably scared. Who wouldn't be. But being an ashen color is NOT symptomatic of being over-worked. Perhaps he would be willing to purchase a stool sample kit and submit the results to a lab. Or perhaps you could just go ahead and make an appt for him and then firmly tell him you are handling it and you will drive him there. Sometimes people like him (an myself) need someone else to push us in the right directions.

Best of luck with this and please keep us informed of the results!

Love him, help him, be there if he needs you. This is my advice.

Pride goeth before the fall.

This might be a pretty direct method of letting him know how you feel. Get a will and a Living Will (2 separate things), fill them out, take them to the lawyers and then when everything is all set up, take them your husband to sign beneath your signature. Also, take out a life insurance policy with a burial plan and ask him to co-sign it. This may make it very clear that you are afraid for his future. Sit him down, with the PRINTED list of symptoms of what may be his trouble and high-light what you feel he may be experiencing. I hope this helps, sometimes shock therapy is the only way it works.

Sherasi is absolutely right. You don't need to pay a lawyer for this, though, there are forms online you can use. Once you've signed them, you give a copy to your doctor and your hospital to put in your file.

You must be absolutely serious about this if you want him to take it seriously. I believe strongly in "confrontation" because I have seen it work. If you have relatives, or he does, that know about this, ask them to come over and help you persuade him. Ask him where he wants to be buried and what his service should be like. Don't let him laugh it off, keep pressing him until he agrees to see a doctor. And go with him when he does.

"Ashen" does not sound good. Blood in the stool is nothing to mess with (was it bright red or black? Makes a big difference) especially if there is colon cancer in his family. Isn't that right, Sherasi?

I have heard that some doctors in some areas are making house calls. You might check into that. Meanwhile, best of luck to you and your hubby. Let us know what happens, we care.

Catty (who will pray for him)

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"Ashen" does not sound good. Blood in the stool is nothing to mess with (was it bright red or black? Makes a big difference) especially if there is colon cancer in his family. Isn't that right, Sherasi?

I have heard that some doctors in some areas are making house calls. You might check into that. Meanwhile, best of luck to you and your hubby. Let us know what happens, we care.

Catty (who will pray for him)

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Catty, you are absolutely correct. An ashen appearance along with blood in the stools (other than blood from hemorrhoid's) is a significant marker for trouble in the GI system. This is not a matter of months to follow up.. but days.. it is THAT critical for immediate attention.

Just to add it could be something fairly simple to help him. But if he keeps losing blood he will get weaker. Tell him to just talk to a Doctor. My guess the will want to do a lower GI or scope threw the mouth to see what is going. Alot of times on our patients we have in the ICU they scope them and they are able to cauterize the area and the problem is resolved. They give you something to relax you when they do the procedure. Ask him does he really want to die? Good luck!

I agree with all the above responses. You don't want to wait around for whatever is going to happen. It could be just a simple lesion that he is loosing blood from, but you need to be sure and the only way is to have tests done. Sherasi is right, that sometimes the shock treatment is necessary. I echo all sentiments. Good luck with influencing him to seek medical treatment. Our prayers are with you both.........