Here I am stuck with a relationship problem and I have no were to turn.

Anybody there? hellooooo.....

Ah well. I'll post it here.

I feel trapped in my current relationship. I wake up in the middle of the night and stare at the face of my SO and I get this over whelming need to scream 'GO AWAY! GET OUT OF HERE! YOUR CRAMPING MY STYLE!" et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

I have also started toying with the idea of picking up a pillow and holding it over his face until he stops that hideous 'loud breathing' (Aka snoring).

I don't, mind you. But I feel like it.

Is this normal? is this just a phase I am going through? Or is 5 years together the limit of long term relationships in the GLBT community?

Please let me know.

Thanks

David
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05-23-03, 01:21 PM
honilov
David, this is the right place to ask your question. Whenever you feel like this about a relationship, I think it's time to get out of it. It sound like you are not happy, and life's too short to spend it unhappy. Try to explain your feelings to your partner and he should understand that feelings 'do' change. You don't need to become enemies, just because things didn't work out, so try to part as friends.

It is totally normal to want to get out of a relationship. It's being done every day, and who knows, he might be thinking the same thing about you, but don't know how to say it. Communication is the key factor. Good luck.

05-23-03, 03:02 PM
methos
I think the relationship boards were removed because they were being abused.

It's hard to judge a relationship based on so little, but, based on what you've written, you do seem to have reached the end of this relationship.

Before you decide, there are a few things I think you should think about.

Is it really him or are you unhappy about something else and projecting onto the closest target?

If it is him/the relationship, is there something the two of you can do to make it work?
 Is it worth making it work?
 Are the necessary changes reasonable?
(asking someone to change drastically for you or
 changing yourself drastically for someone else
 will only cause problems later on)

Talk it over with people who know the relationship, and talk it over with him.

05-23-03, 03:05 PM
Lydia
David - looks like you woke at 3:00 a.m. with these thoughts - - do you do that often? Sounds like you definitely need to have a discussion - you can't just stay because you feel that you are supposed to. I don't think it matters what type of a relationship you're in - feelings are feelings and you've obviously had this building up for a while.

Discuss things with your SO and see where you both feel things are headed - Honi is right, he may feel the same way. Even if he doesn't, it's no reason for you to accept things the way they are.

Oh - and FYI - - holding the pillow over his head until he stops breathing is frowned upon by those darn law officials!!! Roll Eyes

Good luck!

05-23-03, 04:11 PM
MrsS
How long have you been feeling like this? I have days when I wish I had never laid eyes on Craig, days when I'd give my right breast to be free of all the constraints of being in a relationship....but they pass, I can't really imagine NOT being in this in the long view. If this trapped feeling is persistant, it's time to change something....maybe go off alone for a weekend and find out how you feel about coming home? I have done that twice, when feeling suffocated....the first time, I moved out the day I got back...the second time I came home a day early, and I'm still here.
Perhaps counseling(both for you alone and as a couple) is an option, maybe speak with your clergy about your doubts...I know you to be a sensible person and have every faith that you'll find the solution...best wishes, my dear!

05-24-03, 10:14 PM
Curt in Visalia, CA
Having been married to the same woman for years, I can vouch for the strain that time and change puts on a relationship. Both people change but not usually at the same rate or the same time.

The resilience of a relationship, in my opinion, is measured by how both people adapt to the changes that make each seem to be a very different person than that ideal partner that existed at the beginning. Breakups and divorces are nothing more than those "irreconcilable differences" that are really maladaptive behaviors on one side or the other (or both).

05-25-03, 12:47 PM
DvdGStwrt
Lydia: I suffer from insomnia, I either wake up at or around 3:00 nearly every-night, or I lay awake until then. This has been an issue for about 10 years and is not caused by my relationship.

Mrs.S. and Curt,

I suspect that you both have hit the nail on the head.

I do not get these feelings every-night - just sometimes. I just wondered if they were normal, and from what both of you said I get the feeling a bit of angst with our spouse is in the normative range of feelings.

Thanx all of you.

Cheers

David

05-29-03, 09:38 AM
Texan-In-Exile
Argh! I couldn't have said it better myself! If you think 5 years is long, try 28! And I STILL don't know what my future holds!

It's true - people change as long as they live. Curt has a good point about resilience playing a big role in adapting.
And Honi is right-on about communication. That's probably the biggest factor.
And she and Lyd are right - don't stay in the relationship for the other person or because you don't want to hurt him. Staying and being miserable won't do anyone any good.

So talk to him and see what can be done.

PS - Get him some of those snore strips for the nose - there are several kinds! Wink

Godspeed! --Mitzi

05-31-03, 12:48 PM
Sherasi
Even the best relationships get that trapped feeling. Sometimes I wonder what the heck I am doing with Sagus even though he is the sweetest guy in the world and extremely supportive of me and our sons.

Most of the time it is related to MY feelings and not anything HE has done at all.


When that happens (and it happens to BOTH of us) we get away for a little while... go off and do something without the other person.

I don't know if that helps, but, from my experience, it is normal.

Another thing to realize is that men are biologically designed to spread around their genes, women are biologically designed to remain in one place and raise their kids (how we are wired mentally), when you have same sex pairings, emotionally it is a much more challenging sort of relationship.

06-01-03, 09:19 PM
dogspit
I think that is a fairly normal
way to feel in almost every
aspect of life some times. There
are times when solitude is a
great blessing. I would not worry
about it too much till you start
actually planning on suffocating
them, then get the heck out of Dodge
before you do. Perhaps some regularly
scheduled social activities which do
not involve one another would lighten
the tension some. But, if you
continue to have these feelings, then
I would advise couples counseling or
moving out. It is difficult to find
someone worthy of spending 5 years
with, so obviously you might be a little
more attached to this person than
you let on in this thread. If they
have been worth 5 years of your life,
then certainly they are worth a little
time in counselling to see if this is
a problem you can overcome.

06-01-03, 09:27 PM
Gin
David, had to laugh at the pillow comment. I know it well, only I would be on the receiving end! Smile
08-03-03, 01:15 AM
Silver Thunder
David you're not alone in having problems with your relationship. Its a natural part of being involved with another human being. Its like life it has its ups and downs. I have been in two relationships. One was the mythical one, you know love at first sight, soul mates and all that. He died in a motor cycle crash some ten years ago now. It was a drunken driver who killed him so it was not his fault.
It took me a long time to get over that so I threw myself into my work. I only started dating a year ago and met a nice man soon afterwards. It lasted eight months and was fine at the start of things. I am an esay going guy with a good nature and a heart of gold so I am told. I like to think I am strong willed and can hold my own in life.
This man tried to take over life and tell me what to do etc. To cut a long story short I was wondering why I stayed in this relationship in the end. I was very unhappy though he was content and saw nothing wrong and no reason to change. I was stuggling because I thought I should work at it and it deserved a chance. I even belived in the end that I could find no one else but him.
My problem was I had a relationship which worked but then he died. We just clicked it was as simple as that. It was life at its best as they say. I then had a relationship at its worst. I was trying to find out how much you had to be willing to give and take in this relationship. I kept think your making comparisons with the guy that died, but in the end it was me who was making the concessions and not him which was wrong.
My final piece of advice to you David is to follow you heart and your instincts. If it feels wrong walk away, if you can work it out give it a go. But make a decision based on your personal happiness. Living a lie is no good for you or him.
In the end my mind was tortured with this question leave him or stay. I woke up one morning and felt at peace and then I realised I would have to see him again that night. I decided there and then to end it. It was right for me but you must think before you act.
Good luck in this David.

08-03-03, 11:08 AM
DvdGStwrt
My Porting of this subject was On 23 May. Today it is 3 August.

I'm not feeling 'that way' about the relationship today. I was a fleeting momentary thing I guess. All is well today. I will assume (from all the posts) that these ups and Downs come with the territory - I will also assume that outside as well as inside situations have their affects. I was under a little more 'stress' In May than I am now. ups and downs.

Thanks again all.

David

08-04-03, 08:26 AM
MrsS
David, I'm so glad! Yep, the ups and downs come with the territory whether you are gay, straight or completely twisted, and Oh my, YES, Stress levels play a huge role...nothing happens in a vaccuum.I am very pleased that your personal stress level is down a bitBig Grin...Anytime you need a "reality check" know that we're here for you.

08-07-03, 04:18 PM
grumpybear
David, I am also glad that you are no longer feeling that way. I also have to admitt that I have had the very same feelings, I would do it in reverse though, if that makes any sense. I would get so agrivatted (did I spell that right?) that I would do stupid stuff to see if he would end the relationship, because I couldn't do it. And that was in a 3 year relationship! Now everything is better, and in fact we are married now!! So Hopefully I won't do that anymire, because know I live with the S.O.B!!! Just Kidding!! I love him!!! But I am glad that you are feeling better about your relationship!

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