Here's the latest hot news from Britain:

Stuart Kennedy, "Eros", a male stripper in Aberdeen, Scotland whose act involves him (un)dressing as a policeman, was charged with possessing "an offensive weapon, to wit, his truncheon, in a public place". Two female 'undercover' officers in plain clothes (i.e without truncheons) testified that he had stripped from his uniform and waved his truncheon [ a nightstick] suggestively.It was,evidently a weapon per se.The magistrate dismissed the charge, ruling that Eros had reasonable excuse. The appellate court upheld the ruling.

Havant town issued a letter demanding local tax for one penny. They helpfully offered the householder the opportunity of paying by instalments. The stamp on the letter cost 34 pence

A giant owl has been frightening villagers and children (who can't be Harry Potter fans)in Yorkshire, while looking for food.The European eagle owl "may be drawn to children if it's been living in a house with children", said an expert, soothingly, adding "in the wild it would kill deer, so anything up to the size of a Labrador could be prey".

Researchers in East Anglia University are hoping to find women who like chocolate. The Belgian chocolate has been provided free,in a variety of mixes, by a chocolatier. The researchers intend 'to see whether it improves the women's health'. Anyone?

"May contain nuts". A chef in Cornwall is offerring squirrel on his menu. He is selling 80 such meals a week.

A builder in Sussex was dismayed when his clients, Mr and Mrs Dovey were stalling on payments for their new conservatory. Nigel Gray sent his workmen round to demolish the new building, which they did.The property's landlord said 'tenants are allowed to improve properties.Unfortunately this private arrangement went wrong. Mrs Dovey will be billed for the cost of putting the property back to its original state' (Some days you just can't win)

Three singing Catholic priests in Northern Ireland have landed a £1 million recording contract with Sony, who say " The quality of their singing is scary" .The contract allows them time off to attend to parochial duties.The trio is called 'The Priests'. (Makes a change from the Grateful Dead )

The latest 'must have' watch has appeared in London. It's unique feature is that it costs £150,000 but does not tell the time.It's made from steel salvaged from the Titanic, is encrusted with sapphires and has a crocodile skin strap.Its face is divided into two sections, a dark half to signify night and a lighter half for day.It's described as ' a new interpretation of time' by its makers,Romain,whose chief executive, Yvan Arpa, says " Anyone can buy a watch that shows time, but only a discerning customer can buy one that doesn't". The limited edition did, of course, sell out within 48 hours, one of the first buyers being Ronaldo, a Brazilian soccer star who plays in Europe.

This week's parrot story: Kent Police are planning to use DNA testing of a parrot and feathers in a cage to resolve ownership of Pickle, an African Grey,who was abducted when the buyer brought it home.Mrs Sue Parsons alleges this is the same parrot seen in a local pub. The pub landlady claims it's hers, she having got it 'from an uncle who bought it from two men, two months ago' Hmm. Sounds like an 'open and shut cage'

A blackbird is nesting in a Police 4 by 4 (SUV) in Wymondham, Norfolk. Police can't drive the vehicle, for fear of breaking wildlife protection laws. (You may gather, correctly,that there's not much crime in Norfolk )

Inflation latest: Caspian caviar has risen 60 per cent in a year, reports the national press here.There goes the cost of living.(Priorities, see? Americans make all that fuss about 'gas' but the British worry about essentials)

A benefits fraud investigator in Kent has been jailed for..... falsely claiming benefit. Stephen Norwood cliamed tax credits etc to a value of £75,000. 'Gamekeeper turned poacher'

A man is claiming discrimination at work because workmates kept calling him Paris. He is Mr Hilton.

British Children are now twice as likely to be injured by falling out of bed than by falling out of a tree. Seven years ago the incidence was about equal.A spokesman for the Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents said this was bad news:" Climbing trees allows kids to interact with nature.We have asked ourselves whether it is better to break a wrist by falling out of a tree than developing Repetitive Strain injury from playing computer games".

A farmer, Chris Murray, in Buckfastleigh , Devon, is breeding miniature pigs, the size of a springer spaniel.They sell for £250 ($500) each (cheap compared to a dog)."Even at a year old they can sit on your lap" he says. Not much bacon on one, though.

Charlie, a retriever who retrieves stray bowls at Ash Bowling Club, Canterbury, has been made an honorary member of the club because the club "wanted to show its love and respect", said a committee member.

An eight year old boy stole a dumper truck from a building site in Lancashire. Beats Tonka toys.

Badgers are to be evicted from St Lawrence's Churchyard in Cheltenham.They have been digging under headstones and upsetting relatives. The Rev David Eady has promised the badgers shall not be removed until the end of their breeding season (the badgers', not the relatives') Game sett and match to the badgers.

An intending robber at a newsagents in Lowestoft, Suffolk, fled empty-handed because George and Mavis Gillett, the couple who own it, laughed so much. They thought it was a joke, poor old souls.

A five year old is thought to be the world's youngest inventor. Samuel Houghton has been granted a patent for an improved broom. Interviewed by The Guardian, he said he'd come up with the idea when he was three. Perhaps it took two years to be taken seriously, the fate of many a great inventor.

A cab driver using a satnav to direct him in the dark drove 200 metres up the River Nar in Norfolk, after mistaking it for a road .(An easy mistake to make after a lot of rain)

And finally, career mistake of the week. Dan Hill, 32, gave up his £80,000 ($160,000) a year job in banking to become a carpenter.After finally starting work he had to quit because he found he is allergic to wood shavings." It had been fine when I was on my own, but it all started to go wrong when I was doing it all day"