The Merseyside village of Lunt has considered changing its name as signposts are so often amended by passing wits

According to the concierge at a posh Lindon hotel,men who ask for 'an extra pillow' to be sent to their room are understood to be using code for 'a prostitute'.

A bow-legged man has been convicted of burglary in Manchester. John Rigg was wearing a mask to hide his identity but an expert who analysed CCTV footage and compared it with film of him was able to identify him from his distinctive 'John Wayne' swagger.

A church is threatened with closure because great spotted woodpeckers have been pecking its wooden spire to pieces.Dozens of male birds have been drumming holes in it, in an effort to attract females by their housebuilding skills. St Thomas' Church, Navestock, Essex,now has over two hundred holes in the spire.It's 1,000 years old and withstood a German bomb in 1940.

Police conducting a drugs raid in Manchester smashed their way into a house at 6.30 am, using sledgehammers.The only occupant was school dinner lady, Kathleen Oldham. On seeing her they said " Sorry love. Wrong house" which indeed it was. Never mind, they may be improving. Last year they sent armed officers to raid another house on reports of a gun-toting figure in the sitting room. It turned out to be a life-size figure of Lara Croft, complete with her trademark outsize pistols. A computer shop owner had taken it home to sell on eBay.

Two men were fined in Dover for frolicking with a dolphin.Michael Jukes and Daniel Buck were going home after an all-night party when they decided to strip off and dive into the sea. They stroked Dave the wild dolphin, something of a local celebrity since she (it is, in fact, female) arrived last summer, while yelling "People pay hundreds of pounds to do this in Florida!" at startled observers.The events were filmed. Expert evidence was called by both sides, the defence one saying the dolphin was enjoying herself, but the magistrates ruled that the men were reckless although they had not deliberately disturbed her.

A conman, Tony Lee, who is a truck driver from Yorkshire, "sold" London's Ritz Hotel to an unsuspecting "buyer", persuading the victim to part with £1 million as a down payment.

Drunks ransacked a police car in Gloucestershire while the officers were attending an incident.They pilfered stab vests,fluorescent jackets and stop-and-search forms. A police spokesman said "They also ate the officers' ham sandwiches" A man of 25 has been charged with the theft.

The boss of Birmingham City soccer club, Karren Brady, is married to a player, Paul Peschisolido. She has now sold him twice to other clubs, he (or she) having made the mistake (?)of signing him again after his time at the first buyer's.That's one way of controlling the family finances.

For the last six months, Exeter dairy farmer Rob Taverner has been performing Tai chi, the ancient Chines martial art, in front of his cows. "Tai chi is all about leaving your worries behind and getting into a comfort zone. The happier I am, the happier the cows are. And the happier the cows are, the more milk they produce" he said.

Michael Leventhal wanted to celebrate his girlfriend's birthday in the longest champagne bar in Europe, at St Pancras international railway station. He asked whether he could put a 4 inch children's candle on a cake and have it lit and surreptitiously brought in. The management refused because a lit candle would 'require a risk assessment' but unfortunately the head of station operations, whose job that was, was on holiday. (St Pancras was built in the C19 to accommodate steam trains. Their coal fires would have meant a 'risk assessment' several times a minute.)

Another dairy farmer, again in Devon, took government advice to 'diversify his business' and has done so in style.Roger Stanbury has opened 'Club Vanilla' a club 'for mature swingers' in a converted barn. The club has an 'exotic floor show', whirlpool bath, dance floor and free condoms. Customers will be encouraged to make their own entertainment 'but only with consenting partners'. He says it will be less trouble to run than discos for teenagers he used to organize. A villager said that villagers would be unlikely to join: "It would be awkward walking into the village shop in the morning and bumping into someone you'd been frisky with the night before"


Three villages in Scotland are having a self-imposed blackout because they are suffering an invasion of swarming millipedes. The creatures are attracted by light and move at dusk.

Housework is good for you. A study in the British Journal of Sports Medicine says that just twenty minutes of housework boosts mental health and reduces the risk of depression. The study was authored by a man, Dr Mark Hamer. A (woman) letter writer to The Times said " Twenty minutes may be enough for me, but is it enough for the house?"

A sheep shearing competition at Kent County Show will not now take place after protestors, supported by the Royal Society for the Protection of Animals, complained that the sheep might get cut by the clippers.

A Cambridge company has invented a 'Post-it' note with a built in alarm which bleeps or flashes to remind users of appointments etc.

Wild moose are to be introduced to the Scottish Highlands (almost a Canadian story)

All policemen in London are to be 'microchipped', fitted with personal tracker devices, when on patrol so their police stations know where they are.

And finally,it has now been reported that pupils at some of our "Public Schools" still have certain ancient privileges. At Felsted School the Head Boy or Girl may grow a beard ('or Girl may' ) smoke a pipe and keep a goat at school. At Eton College one privilege is to be allowed 'to furl one's umbrella'. At Malvern College the Head Pupil is allowed to 'walk out with a silver-topped swagger stick'. The school which is best of all, and would be top choice for any boy of mine,is Blundell's School, in Devon. Their Head Boy's privilege is 'to keep a pig at school and a mistress in town'.

Coming up...

quote:

A planned strike by workers at a giant oil refinery will lead to fuel shortages from next Friday and could cripple supplies for a month, its owners have warned.

Up to 1,200 workers at the Grangemouth site in Scotland will walk out on April 27 and 28 in a row over pensions.

The site's owner, Ineos, said that the industrial action could mean no fuel supplies in Scotland and the North of England for at least a month, although the Unite union has warned that the whole of the UK would be hit.

Ineos said it had been left with no option but to begin shutting down the site - Scotland's only crude oil refinery - immediately. And the company warned that fuel shortages were likely to start as early as next Friday. 25th April

quote:

The company said the stoppage would also effectively close down a large proportion of North Sea oil production as well as some gas production which goes through Grangemouth

Meanwhile 3 major retailers (From the Merseyside area) have Announced Big Cutbacks and Shop closures (2 Nationwide)
They are JJB Sports (From Wigan) Ethel Austin fron Liverpool Fashion stores and also from Liverpool Sayers Confectioners (who have the Monopoly of Cake shops in and around Liverpool)
Trade also as Hampsons in Manchester

Well, Bedstor, we'll believe all that about fuel supply when it happens. It's not news yet.

Theft of policemen's sandwiches and sacrilegious woodpecker attacks are very serious and have happened.

Hum
...Did you smell it, or have you a country Nose? The South East of England was swamped by a Mystery Pong From abroad(due to a strong unseasonable East wind) which I couldnt smell being Based in the North. The smell was allegedly "Manure". The BBC did their Duty and Got the "Expert" out...A Snob wine Taster with a Keen nose who came out with half a dozen ingredients, and a "Bouquet of Silage".(Typical snob comment !)
Like to see what He makes of rural Ireland (His nose would cave in with the Pong there!) The people who live there and many of the Townies are switched off to the rural Niffs.
Love to to see his Face if He sniffs Silage,Dairy churns with stale sour milk and of Course Manure full on especially at "Muck spreading Time"
BTW There is an unique Irish smell the Irish People never tell you about, that even he cannot ,and most people in the UK cannot understand, and you can only smell it in a few isolated parts of mainland UK and that is the smell of Genuine Fresh air .Down at the seaside(on the Strands) is the Best place to be for the Full effect .
I'm overdue for a recharge !

Fred? Comment please (with your legal head)
Man gets a criminal record for having his Thrash Bin lid ajar by 4 inches!

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/cumbria/7360147.stm

I think I'll go up there and open the lids of every wheelie Bin in the area and see how the Hitler Jobsworths react?

Quite right too !

'Alligator lids' are the curse of British society .

Do you have spying microchips in your wheelie bins up there in the North yet? They've certainly been tried down South

To think that Americans make a fuss about something they call 'civil rights' when somebody 'spies'on them by installing surveillance cameras or tapping their phones. They don't know they are born! Heavens, 'don't they know there's a war on?'

(By the way, what's 'four inches'? Whoever prints that must have got a very old readership.I vaguely remember something called that. Isn't something like 'groats' and ha'pennies' and those 'oz' things that Americans talk about?)

It's really simple, Fred. An Oz is a unit of time/distance.

4 totoes = 1 dorothy

4 dorothies = 1 Oz

1 Oz ≠ Kansas

Fred they did the microchips in Liverpool But they Have been Pulled off ...and where this incident happen they are no expected to put 2 weeks worth of trash in here ...and a young family will have it overflowing in No time
And On the local news the Council said they were having problems with this Family They wouldn't give them another wheelie Bin
Bet the gave them several recycling advice Leaflets and advice to the same effect I think it'll end up with a garden full of Trash if they(the Council) carry on like this. Is Happening in Our town.The council have forgotten About the recycling initiative and Have this petty scheme of collecting their grey trash bag Anything else is left for the street cleaner....Only collect Newspaper...Mags are not wanted...Plus many other Petty conditions besides
They are Building a recycling site on Farmland! and from what I can see from the Plans its a sort of Sewage farm and Several of these have been Planned in Lancashire.
Conclusion, what does it Produce?
A sort of sludge that can be used as "fertiliser!" I'm No Methos but Thats a Lot of stuff the Male cow produces! Buyer Beware!

quote:

Originally posted by DorianGreyed:
It's really simple, Fred. An Oz is a unit of time/distance.

4 totoes = 1 dorothy

4 dorothies = 1 Oz

1 Oz ≠ Kansas

Right. No wonder my memory was vague

From boyhood, I remember having to learn strange measurements. One was :

A drink = 2 pints
2 pints = I quart
4 quarts = 1 drunk
2 drunks = 1 fight
1 fight = 30 days

And there was some strange thing about a pole= a rod= a perch, which must have been something to do with fishing with a pole, or maybe it was a Pole fishing with a rod, catching a perch, a common coarse fish in Britain. But that was also the length of a cricket pitch (= 22 yards). Never did work that out. And chains came into it somewhere No, hang on, a chain was a cricket pitch. That was before cricket was played in leagues.

Interesting results as Labour gets a message in local elections.

quote:

Originally posted by juanruiz:
Interesting results as Labour gets a message in local elections.

And on the same day JR, London has got itself a New Mayor Boris Johnston MP who I think will be much worse(Policy wise) than the Previous Tenant Ken Livingstone
Glad I live well away from that area... the Fireworks are about to begin!
The 3rd candidate for the Post was an ex senior Policeman Brian Paddick who did not pick up many votes as he was not a High Profile as the other 2.

quote:

Originally posted by juanruiz:
Interesting results as Labour gets a message in local elections.

This is a fairly light-hearted thread and Boris becoming Mayor of London certainly fits it.Such is Boris' [Johnson] popularity as the Old Etonian buffoon (who just happens to have a degree from Oxford and was a brilliant debater there ) that the Labour Party put out an edict that their people not refer to him as simply 'Boris'. Their thinking was that they should not acknowledge that he was of such fame and acceptance by the public as to be instantly recognised and known by his first name alone If that was their best line of defence, no wonder they lost

He is our most popular politician. He seems so open and acts as though he's an enthusiastic amateur (who doesn't understand party politics , or, if he does, does not accept them as practised) who has wandered in to a meeting and been elected by mistake.(He's currently an MP and will resign now he's mayor).Barack Obama gets serious about reforming the system. Boris doesn't. He never joined the system in the first place and shows every sign of ignoring any and every convention and restraint it may have. He gives impromptu replies in which he slily pokes fun at politics, to the amusement of press and public. On the campaign he was asked 'What is your line on drugs?' to which he replied 'Ah, yes....What is my line on drugs?'.Someone else asked 'Have you ever slept with a man?' at which he paused , as though thinking not to offend anyone, before answering 'Umm...not yet'. Of his campaign to be an MP he recalled his being 'prepared' and expected to have 'a line' on gay marriage. What did he reply to his importunate party 'advisers'? " If gay marriage is OK; and I was uncertain on the issue; then I saw no reason in principle why a union should not be consecrated between two men, or, indeed, three men and a dog"

The man's a genius. Underneath he is an extremely intelligent, but witty, political animal who has his own mind, can think for himself, and doesn't believe in having 'aides' or 'spin doctors' and 'having a line' on something (which 'line' changes with every opinion poll).And it shows.He's far more astute and intelligent than the 'aides' or the 'spin doctors'. The public love it.

This article is a few weeks old, but it is very accurate in what It says about a certain Mr G Brown...and whats happened internally in the UK in his short tenure .... Interesting trivia Point(For DGs Quiz) He has never driven in His life .(yet he Increased fuel Revenue year on year in his previous Post) And, dipped into everyones pockets in extra ways to raise more funds .Latest Government Trick by his Successor Alistair Darling << was to abolish the 10 pence Income Tax Band so means the lowest pais workers must pay more tax to the Government [who also take a Meaty chunk out os wages as well in National Insurance Contributions)
The article was written Before The latest down-turn in The Stockmarket

I wonder what surprises thay are going to land on us in the next 4 weeks
The banks again last week Published a List on their Bank interest and Again they cut the Percentages Some accounts are barely earning 0.10% a month with 1000 Pounds($2000) in an Current account (Checking account in the US?)
Best is 3% If you have several million to burn?
For several years now I have averaged a return of 30 to 35 Pence per month interest (was several pounds per month when I started) and The funds I Have now, are 5 times that what I originally deposited(when the account was set up about 10 years ago)
I fully expect the interest return for next month to dip into the 20 p range!

2 Stupid banks (My own included ) Have Been blowing cash on Song and Dance TV Ads sayng you get "High interest" on such and Such an account..Smoke & Mirrors Trick Get the Glossy leaflet... and Find(In the text at the Back) its only good for a fixed term Subject to how "generous" the Bank is and they can revise the terms overnight so you may get the generous rate for 3 months on a small deposit then Its reduced to the Normal level once the milestone has been past.(and there are Severe penalties on withdrawals within that period too) Devious?

More Borisisms:

Campaigning in the General Election,asked why anyone should vote Tory: " Voting Tory will cause your wife to have bigger breasts and increase your chances of owning a BMW M3"

Being asked what was the point in being shadow [opposition] arts minister, a post to which he'd just been appointed ( something of a token job) " Look, the point is...er, what's the point? It's a tough job, but somebody's got to do it "

and his pronouncement on facing disasters " As I have discovered, there are no disasters, only opportunities. And, indeed, opportunities for fresh disasters"

He always says these things straight-faced but everyone can sense the in them.

PS More good news: he was born in New York, where his father was on a work assignment, so he's eligible to run for President

A tenant has been thrown out of her flat after weeds and brambles in her garden grew so tall they could be seen from space.

Rachel McGarie's jungle hit 10ft, swallowing up a shed, children's swing and reaching the window of the flat above her.

The sprawling mass even showed up on Google Earth satellite maps. Neighbour Roy Didcott, 63, who lives above 29-year-old Ms McGarie, said: "You can pick blackberries from the top-floor flat window."

Ms McGarie had not cut the weeds for six years despite warnings and was evicted from the ground floor in Yate, near Bristol

Check this out!!!!
http://tinyurl.com/3lgfoy