A roundup of a random selection of what made the national news here:
Drugs: Metropolitan Police report that drug dealers are now abandoning their BMWs and Ferraris in favour of more practical transport. They are using 'mobility scooters', small vehicles like golf buggies for the elderly and disabled, to carry drugs around the capital.Top speed is a dizzying 8 mph for the high powered models, though a max of 4 mph is commoner.The dealers like them because these are 'anonymous' vehicles, without registration plates,which they can buy second hand.Only one snag: forgetting themselves, some of these 'disabled' have taken to blinging up the cart with jewellery.Well, you have to have some street cred!
Immigration: Foreign soccer players (including American ones: yes, there are some here) are to be required to prove proficiency in English before being allowed a work permit.The test will be applied to their wives,too. Much puzzlement over that: most of us can't understand players from Newcastle or Liverpool, though they claim to speak English.These players already have to prove that they have exceptional skills justifying their employment, which may explain why there are only a few Americans (Don't ask how: an image of some immigration officer asking them to 'bend it like Beckham' in the airport arrivals hall, comes to mind). This whizzo wheeze (='great idea, not') can only apply to players from outside the European Union. As it is, only about 80 of the 320 players regularly fielded by the top twenty teams are English, some top teams have fielded 11 foreigners of 11 different nationalities in their starting 11, one team boasts 8 different languages, and the current English
national team's coach is an Italian (who uses an interpreter) who replaced a Swede (who , happily, didn't).
Music: The Scot, K T Tunstall,one of whose songs 'Suddenly I see', is being used by Senator Clinton on the campaign trail, has told the British press that she prefers Barack Obama. She said that she had been suffering nightmares about the use of her song: " I had a dream two nights ago that I was sleeping in the same hotel room as Bill and Hillary Clinton because I was part of
their campaign"
Globalisation shock: Jaguar and Land Rover have been bought by the
Indian corporation the Tata Group.Damn foreigners, buying our hallmark British makers ! [Ah,they were formerly owned by Ford.Well, of course, in that case. Indians were part of the Raj, obviously. Honorary Britons, really.Pip Pip!]
Air news (1): Flybe, a budget airline, was reduced to advertising for actors to fill its planes' seats on the Norwich-Dublin route.A clause in their contract with the Airport required them to justify their continuing use of the 'slots', flight times and route,with a penalty of £280,000 for failure to comply
Air news (2):the UK government is hell-bent on biometric recognition at airports, so 'iris recognition' booths have been introduced. The machines don't work.Travellers miss the queues by going straight to the booths, while the rest wait patiently in the 'papers' line. After a brief while failing to persuade the machine that their eyes are, indeed, theirs,the travellers give up and leave. Here's the clever bit: on leaving they are immediately waved to the front by airport staff saying 'Don't blame us, it comes from France !'
and get through as quickly or more quickly than they would if the machine was working Pub news: The Racial Equality Council has complained that a pub has been named 'Hawkin's Meeting Place'.The mystified brewers who own it were told that John Hawkins was not just an architect of the Royal Navy but had indulged in the slave trade!The name stays.
Gambler of the week: No, not the man who sued a bookmaker here because he'd lost many millions with them and they hadn't stopped him (Fatal flaw : putting £376,000 on the US to win the Ryder Cup
) but the unknown gambler who bought the winning ticket in the National Lottery.It won £6,898,367 but nobody claimed the prize in the 180 days allowed, so this week the prize has gone to charity.
Dog tired? : Talisker, a border collie, has been prescribed Viagra by his vet. His excuse is that it makes his heart beat better, improving the blood flow (well, yes...). His owner Lesley Strong says "It causes great hilarity at the chemist's [pharamacy] when I pick up the prescription" Cynics who think the odd excuse is the owner's , not the dog's, are advised that the owner is a 58 year old pub land
ladyFrog news: This week's star amphibian is Nicholas, a frog,who has had his broken leg mended by staff at St Tiggywinkle's , an animal refuge and hospital in Aylesbury, which specialises in hedgehogs.He broke it when it got entangled in netting on his pond.His only problem now, reports the hospital, is that the patient will miss the breeding season (even if he meets up with Talisker, above, and asks for help).
Hospital news: The Royal Bournemouth Hospital is to change the name of its Accident and Emergency Department to Emergency Department, to bring it into line with other hospitals. The department was formerly called 'Casualty' but that name was dropped because of concerns that it was confusing the public, who thought it was part of the hospital for 'casual visitors' (i.e passers-by who were just visiting out of curiosity or looking for a cup of tea and a cake)
Property: A building with just 44 square feet of space is for sale at £20,000 in Cornwall. It was once a public lavatory, which means there must be room to sit, at least.It measures 7 feet 5 inches by 5 feet 11 inches. The agents are selling it as a 'an office, ideal for a small business'.
Sports: The Olympic Torch is being carried in grand style through many countries. In our capital.... it will be taken on a double decker bus through North London.The planners have allowed half an hour.What the typical London pensioner is going to say to a bloke going upstairs with a flaming torch is to be imagined (but not, evidently, by organisers who think you can get across North London in a bus in half an hour )
Education: Loans and grants, to cover accommodation, living expenses etc totalling £730,000 have been paid to 154 students on university courses.They may not have needed the money because they were already being housed and fed by the taxpayers. They were all long serving prisoners, studying in jails. The government minister responsible explained that 'assessments had been carried out in line with existing rules' (so that's all right, then). The prisoners had taken advantage of a loophole, and, presumably, had not committed any crime (apart from whatever got them in there in the first place)
And finally, it's all over now: A 44 year ban on the Rolling Stones playing in Blackpool , an big seaside holiday town in Lancashire,has been lifted. The ban was imposed after a 1964 concert in the Empress ballroom ended in a riot.The Town Council's leader said " We are writing to the group to say the ban has now been lifted and they are welcome to play again" Quite right too: the town is popular with pensioners at this time of year.
Only in Britain would they name a frog Nicholas.
