The Monday roundup:

A teenager went to a cashpoint [ATM] and discovered his account had £2 million in it.Pleased at his sudden good fortune, he promptly withdrew the maximum cash allowed, £300.Sadly, the error was corrected within minutes.His 'explanation' to his mum was that he thought that the credit might be something to do with his student grant.His mum was not impressed.She refused to reimburse him the £300 and he's now having to pay it off.

Chichester District Council bugged a binbag at a fly-tipping site by fitting a miniature camera to it to catch miscreants.They forgot to tell 'waste operatives' ( ).The bugged bag, complete with its £10,000 camera, was promptly thrown on to the back of the operatives' lorry and carted away.

When neighbours reported that Billy Verity, a retired bus driver from Nelson, Lancashire, was keeping chickens in his home, his landlords sent staff to investigate.It turned out that the sound of cocks crowing was coming from his novelty alarm clock." I thought it was a joke", said Billy.

A physicist from Sheffield, Yorkshire,had spent £5,000 to contest his wife's £60 speeding fine, claiming that the speed camera was inaccurate.She lost.She was ordered to pay £15,000 costs when the case failed both at first instance and on appeal.

A smell of "poison gas" grounded a Belgrade-London British Airways flight.The "poison gas" smell was traced to curry powder in the cargo hold.

Olympics news: The authorities in charge of the Olympics in London are to spend substantial sums to build a mountain bike course in Essex. Well, Essex is adjacent to London. Snag is that Essex is about as 'mountainous' as Iowa. MPs are asking why the venue for this event couldn't be in, say, Wales which already has international mountain bike courses and is mountainous.

And a bald journalist had his passport photographs rejected because his head was too shiny. 'Rules is rules', as we say.The current rules are amusing, if you don't fall foul of them. One is that no photograph showing you smiling is allowed.(Who smiles for a passport photograph ?)

PS. Just checked. Essex is less mountainous than Iowa ! The overall impression is the same, but Iowa does have one point of over 1,000 feet above 'sea level'.Essex does have one high point: it's at 485 feet above sea level on the Hertfordshire border, at the farthest side from London

Wales has the highest point in England and Wales, in the Snowdonia range, being Snowdon itself at 3,560 feet.

Fred, say you had to promote Essex as an Olympic venue, what positive things could you say about the county? I was thinking about it after I read your post. I couldn't think of anything. I've been there a few times, and the 'Essex Girls' reputation isn't a myth.

quote:

Originally posted by dg:
Fred, say you had to promote Essex as an Olympic venue, what positive things could you say about the county? I was thinking about it after I read your post. I couldn't think of anything. I've been there a few times, and the 'Essex Girls' reputation isn't a myth.

Er..............................................as an Olympic venue, you say....um........

weeeeell they could always ask the Olympic Committee to introduce new events.

How about the "women's 6 inch heel boutique dash"?

Or the Frinton-on-sea nannies' pram race? Don't mock: nowadays there could be quite a big foreign entry for that, Eastern European states being particularly strongly represented.

Or the Stansted airport to Basildon taxi rally?Team of two: Starter to process a credit card in less than ten milliseconds, yell 'It'snumber74outsidesecondleftfromthiscounter' in one breath at bemused foreign passenger, driver to throw passenger and bags onto back seat in one action and drive at 90mph plus, except when within twenty metres of speed cameras, all the way there whilst conducting uninterrupted rant about slackness/excess of business, speed cameras, and all other drivers (bonus marks for yelling at anyone overtaking on inside/not allowing cab driver to overtake on inside).

And they wouldn't have to construct a special course for any of those .

And you are right about Essex girls. They are bred to become wags (not 'wags' as in 'wits' but wags as in Wives And Girlfriends to soccer players and the like)

Further thought on Essex as a county, not just as a sporting venue:

It's really two counties. There's the bit near to London.Some of those bits have been taken in to London's local government e.g Ilford and Romford and other bits might as well have been e.g Basildon.London's influence extends to all towns within the Essex commuter belt and with it comes East London thinking and attitudes. The people themselves are Londoners or descendants of Londoners, nearly all from the old East End of London. These people are descendants of those who moved eastwards after the bombing of World War Two;these are the majority; as well some who went East as they got better off. It's these people who have given birth to "Essex girls". Essex is the home of the 'chav'.

The greater part, in area, is the other county.This is the Essex of farmland. It's the Essex with beautiful old towns like Saffron Walden (whose name comes from the saffron crocus used in dyeing and as a food colour, which was extensively grown there) and picturesque villages like Finchingfield, commonly described as the prettiest village in England. Colchester is the oldest town in Britain and, curiously, is noted for its oysters. It's the Essex of 'the Constable country';all of John Constable's most famous paintings were painted there; a country which still stands as it was. Willie Lott's cottage and the view in The Hay Wain are as they ever were.The Stour, which runs through there, leads to marshland and an estuary which is itself picturesque and populated by enormous numbers of wildfowl.

And there are the seaside towns.Diverse and British are the words.Burnham on Crouch is a very old sailing port, with buildings to match. Clacton-on-sea was built for holiday makers from the East End. Frinton-on-sea, less than five miles away, was built for the 'refained' with money and staff. Clacton is funfairs, a pier and, once, Butlin's Holiday Camp. Frinton allows no coaches in the town, long resisted allowing a pub, has a tennis club,and is the kind of resort where a nanny in a mob cap and black uniform, pushing a perambulator would not have seemed out of place.It was once described as a cemetery with lights. (It has of course suffered in its time, none more so than when the family of a Hungarian dog bought a home there over forty years ago.They had previously had a house in Clacton,so a fall was inevitable )

Those Essex people are rural in their outlook, as far in spirit from the other Essex people as can be.

Stop press!

"Where have all the parrot stories from Britain gone?" you all ask [All right, I can pretend]

At last, after a long lull:

Herne Bay, Kent:Police Community Support Officers called to investigate reports of a man wolf-whistling at girls found that the culprit was a ten-year old African grey parrot called Charlie, belonging to a retired couple, Terry and Phyllis Burgoine. Mr Burgoine,69, said that Charlie's repertoire was not limited to wolf-whistling. He could also bark like a dog and sing nursery rhymes.

And a bat story ! Hurrah! :

Norwich, Norfolk : A hotel receptionist found a bat nestling in the padding of a bra she'd been wearing for four and a half hours.Abbie Hawkins,19, had no idea that the bat was there from the moment she got dressed at 7:30 am until her lunchbreak. The bra had been on the washing line the previous day." I did not notice anything when I put the bra on", she said. "When I was driving to work I felt a slight vibration but I thought it was just my mobile".
At midday she still felt something moving. " I plucked up the courage to investigate and I pulled out a little baby bat". Her manager released the bat in the garden of the Holiday Inn, near Norwich airport.

[Both reports: The Times, today]

One for Fred to give Judgement on

Shopkeeper charged over "assaulting" a vandal who had just smashed a neighbours shop window!

See also this from the Daily Mail

quote:

I felt a slight vibration but I thought it was just my mobile

That's a comment that covers more than one scenario in a woman's life.

I've never had a bat in my bra, thank goodness, but they have come into the house with the laundry several times.
I've found the best way to get them out, is to turn out all the lights, and just leave an outside light on. I open the door, and they fly out.

quote:

Originally posted by bedstor:
One for Fred to give Judgement on

Shopkeeper charged over "assaulting" a vandal who had just smashed a neighbours shop window!

See also this from the Daily Mail

That's his version. On his version he's broken no law. The Crown Prosecution Service lawyers think the evidence shows that he has and that it is strong enough , not just as a prima facie case but as one they have a strong chance of winning (that being their criterion).Something tells me that he is being economical with the truth when he talks to the press

quote:

Originally posted by dg:

I've never had a bat in my bra, thank goodness, but they have come into the house with the laundry several times.
I've found the best way to get them out, is to turn out all the lights, and just leave an outside light on. I open the door, and they fly out.

Intriguing.Does the laundry deliver them or do they attach themselves to fabric hanging on a line outside?

They used to be regular visitors inside my last home,happily clinging to any drape,but here they used to excel themselves, once setting up a roost in a wardrobe It made a change from moths.....come to think of it, what do bats eat ? Better than 'Mothaks' ! They make surprisingly noisy neighbours.If they set up home in the roof, as also happened in a house we had, they scrabble about all the time. What's more, they are squatters who can't be legally evicted. They have a helpful, if slightly messy, way of insulating the floor of the roof space for the owners too

This is from today’s running text commentary on the first day of the cricket test at Lord’s between England and South Africa. I just had to post it:

"A brief shower at lunch was a bit of a dampener for those spreading out their best picnic rugs for the mid-day feast. Asparagus, crab and claret in the Coronation Garden; Pringles, Fanta and lager on the Nursery Ground. So much for classless England..."

quote:

"A brief shower at lunch was a bit of a dampener for those spreading out their best picnic rugs for the mid-day feast. Asparagus, crab and claret in the Coronation Garden; Pringles, Fanta and lager on the Nursery Ground. So much for classless England..."

Brilliant. I'm so glad the important things are just the same.

quote:

crab and claret

I believe a white wine is proper.

quote:

Originally posted by dg:

quote:

"A brief shower at lunch was a bit of a dampener for those spreading out their best picnic rugs for the mid-day feast. Asparagus, crab and claret in the Coronation Garden; Pringles, Fanta and lager on the Nursery Ground. So much for classless England..."

Brilliant. I'm so glad the important things are just the same.

Yes, but the Coronation Garden is classless (in the sense it lacks class ). It's where all, or nearly all, the Pimms and Champagne stands are.It's where you can order picnic hampers in advance (containing asparagus etc, as above) So, if you want champagne that's where you go.If you have the money and the inclination, you go there whether you're working class or any other class.It's a simple question of cash (or credit card). If , on the other hand, you want something cheaper, you wander down to the other picnic area, at the 'Nursery Ground' ( not a creche: it's called that because that end of the property was a a nurseryman's ground before the Club bought it).

Me, I go to the Oval, where I'm a member. Surrey's international ground, the Oval, has no class at all.When I have gone to Lord's I've taken a packed lunch from Fortnum's:it's cheaper than the prices charged in the ground and the food is better.

The last time I went to Lords was for a Test match between England and New Zealand. Glenn Turner and Geoff Boycott were playing so it was a few years ago. And the last time I went to the Oval was to see India on their last tour. I travelled over from France without a ticket, found I couldn’t get in unless I bought one from a ticket tout and ended up watching the morning session on television in that pub thirty yards from the ground. The atmosphere was sadly lacking, but it made a good story when I got back to Paris!

4 stories for you of Red Faces

Worcester..High and dry: narrowboat left stranded in lock

Ambulances clamped in Hospital designated Parking bays

Essex. A woman stopped to help at a road accident - and had the roof cut off her car by firefighters!

KK used to be a greenkeeper. Bet He's never seen handiwork like this? Haywards Heath Sussex

Bedstor, I thought you meant WE had red faces.

Yes, very embarrassing stories!

Tuesday, 22nd June:

Criminal of the day:

A cash machine fraudster was caught when police visited his home in Wakefield, Yorkshire, and examined his mobile phone's camera. He had been unwise enough to leave one shot on it showing his baby son rolling about in masses of banknotes at home.Oops! Abu Bunu,34, was part of a gang using false machine fronts to collect PINs and bank details of over 2,000 accounts in East Yorkshire in just four months, taking up to £500 a time.

And today's parrot:

An African grey parrot, Bob, saved a family from a fire.His increasingly frantic squawking alerted his owner,Francis Hall, 59, and his two sons, Sam and Trevor who grabbed Bob's cage as they fled their burning home in Eastleigh, Hampshire.All three of the family suffered from smoke inhalation but Bob,3, was unscathed. Sam, 18, said " I used to find Bob very annoying with his growling and squawking, but not now. He's a legend. He saved our lives.We just got out in time"
As a reward, the family are thinking of buying Bob a mate.

quote:

Originally posted by FredPuli:

I used to find Bob very annoying with his growling and squawking, but not now. He's a legend. He saved our lives.We just got out in time"
As a reward, the family are thinking of buying Bob a mate.

Laz! Breathe easy. Its Not about you