Ok, guys, you've always helped me out before and now I've got another problem. My mom (86) just had a mild stroke. She's recovered fully but was told by her doctors that it was caused by stress. It's easy to believe this as she takes care of her husband (87) who is legally blind, uses oxygen tanks -- cuz he used to smoke 5 packs of ciggies a day, and is catheterized.
This would be bad enough but he is also very demanding and has her hopping every couple of minutes with "I need water", "I need eyedrops", etc. Her doctors told her that if she keeps this up, she'll have another stroke which will be worse.
I was given a list of agencies that have nursing care with visits to the home --- but Medicare will only pay for true medical needs for only a short time whereas my mom needs someone there to give her some relief and even allow her to leave the house at times. Not to knock everyone on welfare, but she could have someone 24/7 if they were had medical cards. But they don't so it would cost them $17.50 an hour and they can't afford that!
Does anyone have any suggestions? I just wish that I could take early retirement(yeah, for more than one reason). I told her that perhaps a nursing home is on the horizon, but wouldn't it be a lot more cost effective for Medicare to pay for home care than for this alternative?

Kellygirl, as for the cost effective issue of nursing home as opposed to home care, yeah it WOULD be more cost effective. But the assistance system is NOT known for logic. So that argument will not wash with Medicare, etc.

Have your mom and dad put any notices in the local paper for informal help? Also, you, your family and your parents could query friends and neighbors for possible care-givers for occassional help.

I know a lot of people that do not use official agencies, etc but get help from people in the community.

The problem is that your mother is trying to take care of her husband and herself. Does he know what the doctors have said? Maybe it is time you have a heart to heart talk with him about your concerns. Do NOT accuse him of being the reason for her stress. This will only cause him to be defensive and feel bad. You don't want him to feel any more of a burden already does. I can only imagine how I would feel in that situation. Helpless comes to mind. He is well aware that your mother takes care of him. He is probably bossy and demanding because he has been that way for so long. The situation just is what it is. Tell him you are worried about your mother and you are afraid that if she has another stroke that you may have to put her in a nursing home. Ask his opinion about what you should do if this happens. This talk may make him lighten up a little bit on her. The last thing your father wants is for her to not be there with him. They are both very set in their ways. Your mom wants to do everything she can to take care of him even if that means putting herself second. (which I assume she has been doing for quite some time). I know it doesn't sound right and others may disagree but I think that you have "scare" him into easing up on her. Make him see things from another angle (your concerns) in the nicest way possible.

KG, I am assuming that you either have no siblings, or that no siblings are nearby, or that they are unable or unwilling to help. Look into church groups, Catholic Charities, United Way, etc. It doesn't seem as if you need an RN, possibly not even an LPN. A caretaker shouldn't cost $17.50 a month. Even if you could only afford a caretaker for 4 hours every other day, that would give your mother a much needed break.

I understand what you mean about the inefficiency of the government in this area. When my mother was dying of cancer, at home, Medicare/Medicaid/whatever wouldn't pay for the purchase of a hospital-type bed. But it did pay for the rental of the same, and made the arrangements. The total rental charges far surpassed the cost of purchase. Now for the real kicker. When we contacted the people who authorized the rental to tell them that the bed could be picked up, they never came to pick it up. It was still there when I sold the house 15 years later.

DG, He's not my father; my dad died in '83. He has four kids -- three in the area -- but they are not very responsive to his needs. Why should they be -- my Mom has been dealing with him and his needs for many years? I've told one of them that they are going to have to be more involved, but I think that it fell on deaf ears. A daughter is should to visit today and my mom said that she was going to say something to her like "Hey, why not take your dad out for a few hours?" None of them ever do.
I have one sister who lives in Florida.

Clare, You did hit the whole situation on the head; I did sit down with him and told him that he is going to have stop being so demanding of my Mom and he was in total denial--said that he doesn't ask her to do much. I said "but you do -- I've been here sometimes for a whole day and you bark your orders constantly." He just shook his head. I just want my Mom around for as long as I can, but if this situation doesn't change, I simply won't. And she's been so use to saying "How high" when he says "Jump."
DG, I will check with some agencies (& that was $17.50 an hour)-- just trying to use any and all resources that I can, including y'all.
THANK YOU BIG TIME!

Are there any church friends you could ask for help? Often there are ladies there who will provide a bit of respite.

Also, check with local nursing schools. Maybe they can hook you up with a student who may not require as much pay but needs some flexible/short work days.